Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents

[Anonymous]

I wish I had gone to see my parents more without DH. I always felt guilty because he saw it as a vacation when it was more about me spending precious time with my family. Now my dad is gone and my mom has dementia so I can’t make any more good memories with them. I urge you to go by yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

Can you both go and stay in a hotel for a few days, then your DH leaves and you stay longer to visit with your parents in their home?

I imagine they want to meet your husband, but jeez, he really is acting like a jerk about this. They would also likely cherish the time with just you and them.

[Anonymous]

I’m from England so not a 3rd world country but I grew up poor and my mom is very frugal. No WiFi, no shower ( bath tub only) only one bathroom, tiny kitchen, clothes get hung on the line to dry etc. we stay with her for 10 days every couple of years but go to the grocery store and buy food when we get there. We also go away for a couple of nights in the middle with DD just to all have a break from each other. I think you should break up the 2 weeks between staying with them and staying elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had gone to see my parents more without DH. I always felt guilty because he saw it as a vacation when it was more about me spending precious time with my family. Now my dad is gone and my mom has dementia so I can’t make any more good memories with them. I urge you to go by yourself, OP.

OP, read this person's post and think about it. If your husband isn't going to be a good visitor then you should go by yourself or have him there for only a day or two. It sounds like your parents really want you to come visit them. Please go and make lots of memories that you can cherish!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had gone to see my parents more without DH. I always felt guilty because he saw it as a vacation when it was more about me spending precious time with my family. Now my dad is gone and my mom has dementia so I can’t make any more good memories with them. I urge you to go by yourself, OP.

OP, read this person's post and think about it. If your husband isn't going to be a good visitor then you should go by yourself or have him there for only a day or two. It sounds like your parents really want you to come visit them. Please go and make lots of memories that you can cherish!

I'm a PP from yesterday. Plus you might get divorced, so do you really want all your memories of them to be with him too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prep him in advance what to expect. If he is the good person you think he is, he will not care. He will likely worry about making a good impression on your parents!

This and stay in a hotel. Your parents seem like lovely people.

OP here. I keep asking him to stay at a hotel but he is insistent that we stay with my parents to save money. I think since this is the first time everyone will be meeting, us staying at a hotel would be ideal as we can manage how to have contact or when to see each other vs having some privacy. And it would lessen the stress on my parents to host us. They technically do have a guest room but I worry for them trying to buy food and feed us for 2 weeks!

Perhaps you could do one week at thier house and one at a hotel. Be honest with your husband - you think it’s too big of a burden on your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married an American man but my parents are not rich and they are foreign. We got married last year and will finally be visiting my parents abroad. They are excited to see us but keep telling me they are embarrassed to host my husband and I as they live in a small apartment and have little money.

I tell them not to worry but deep down, I feel embarrassed too. He isn't rich but his parents live in a nice house and have never wanted for anything.

You need to grow up. Richness is not measured just by how much is in your bank account. If you have a lovely family, be proud of that.

[Anonymous]

Just shorten the trip, whihc means fewer hotel nights and then it's affordable.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids yet? Your husband sounds extremely insensitive and selfish. Run.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think any of us can effectively advise OP. There seems to be a lot of things in play and I can’t get a sense of what’s actually going on in their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids yet? Your husband sounds extremely insensitive and selfish. Run.

He will make you miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family is from another country and is poor as well. I agree with telling your husband what to expect. When we go visit his family, we have a great time in spite of the difference in conditions/food etc. We do spend a few days at a hotel as well to lessen the burden on them and we buy food when we're out, very casually like, "Oh we saw this goat at the market and I always wanted to try goat so we bought it. Do you mind cooking it for us? "

As soon as I'd bought that goat I'd be naming it and making it my pet.
Id have a VERY tough time going to a live market and not freeing every animal in sight, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think any of us can effectively advise OP. There seems to be a lot of things in play and I can’t get a sense of what’s actually going on in their marriage.

Exactly.
Although the OP seems to be very sweet, doting and considerate -- I also see her being very enamored with the fact that her husband is an American, and don't foresee her ever considering leaving him due to the (supposed) shame & guilt it would cause her and her parents.
So let's be realistic guys, she's certainly not leaving him because of this, so the suggestions fir her to do so are really unhelpful.

As a foreigner myself, I completely understand the way that she feels... like she's torn between two worlds, and I totally empathize & relate to her.

OP, I echo what others have told you in their previous posts; either:

Option #1
Go for a shorter amount of time -- 2 weeks is far, far, FAR too long to stay with your parents, who are already struggling financially. Not to mention how taxing it will be -- 2 weeks is going to take such a toll on them, they'll need a vacation AFTER your vacation.
Trust me, there will be lasting residual affects from your visit for weeks or even months after you've left to go home (ie; if they're on a tight budget, they'll have to make up that money somewhere from hosting you and have it by months end, also the exhaustion they'll have to contend with, the sheer exhaustion on them will be no joke (the physical, mental & emotional exhaustion) their anxiety as they want to always say the right thing and do the right thing to impress their American SIL, etc).

I'm not sure if they pay their own electricity, water, gas, oil bills, or if it's included in their rent; but if they have to pay these bills on their own, they are surely going to increase hosting 2 full grown adults for a half a month. Their power bill will go up if they have air conditioning, or if they have their own washer & dryer in their unit, not to mention their water bill double even triple the next month with 2 more adults taking daily showers, doing laundry again if applicable, etc.

This isn't JUST about money for groceries OP, your staying with them for 2 weeks will reverberate in ways that you've never even considered.

Option #2
Stay with your parents for 2-3 days, take your husband to a tourist destination that he's wanted to see for 2-3 days (you can stay in a hostel for cheap if your husband is so concerned about money.
I always loved staying in hostels & meeting people from different backgrounds & learning about different cultures -- it was one of THE best parts of traveling abroad for me.
You can then go back to your parents home for 3-4 days.

Would your husband consider staying in a hostel for 3-5 days?

In my opinion, option #2 is the ONLY way that everyone walks away from this little meet & greet adventure with warm, fuzzy & positive feelings that you'll all be able to look back on fondly & sentimentally.

Look... the ONLY one who benefits from option #1 is your husband (who quite frankly is acting a bit like a freeloading moocher). You certainly won't have 100% positive feelings & memories; as you'll be juggling too many balls to be able to enjoy it all.

The only thing YOU will have 100% of is STRESS.
You're going to feel so much pressure to make sure that everything is perfect at all times -- you'll want to ensure that everyone is feeling good, relaxed, happy, etc. You'll want to make sure that both your parents AND your husband are saying & doing the right things at all times, in the hopes of impressing each other, you'll be trying to control everything (when most things will be out of your control) & you'll do everything in your power to keep it all together, etc.

Does that sound like a vacation for you??? I'd say not.

Option #3
I don't believe anyone has mentioned this yet, but what about staying with some other relatives or maybe childhood friends that you grew up with and are still close to for a night or two each?
That would really break up the trip nicely and you'd get to see many people that you haven't seen since last you were home.

Apologies for the long post everyone... as a fellow immigrant, my heart goes out to her, as I know exactly what she'll be facing.

Good luck, OP. ❤

[Anonymous]

You haven't said much about your dad OP.

I think your husband is being unfairly judged.

Maybe something is being lost in translation, but it sounds like you are more embarrassed by your parent's home than he is.

Allow your husband wants to spend quality time getting to know your family and is insisting because he wants to truly immerse himself in your culture.

I think you are more concerned about money than he is.

Go, don't worry so much. I would book a small trip at the end of your stay (hike to remote space , etc) and definitely buy all the groceries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had gone to see my parents more without DH. I always felt guilty because he saw it as a vacation when it was more about me spending precious time with my family. Now my dad is gone and my mom has dementia so I can’t make any more good memories with them. I urge you to go by yourself, OP.

OP, read this person's post and think about it. If your husband isn't going to be a good visitor then you should go by yourself or have him there for only a day or two. It sounds like your parents really want you to come visit them. Please go and make lots of memories that you can cherish!

I think the purpose of this trip is for her parents to meet her new husband.
And if money is an issue canceling or changing a flight may not be possible
and could result in loss of money.