Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:23 here. Just remembered something else. I used to visit my grandparents in their minuscule apartment decades ago. They were lower-income too, but kept everything absolutely spotless and cheerful, unlike my MIL, who is depressed. It was a joy to visit them.

My point is that sometimes it's not about the poverty or size of the apartment.

Yep. My mom is very poor and lives in a tiny run-down studio. But it is SPOTLESS. If it weren't for the splinters I would let my baby eat off the floors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prep him in advance what to expect. If he is the good person you think he is, he will not care. He will likely worry about making a good impression on your parents!

This and stay in a hotel. Your parents seem like lovely people.

+1 to both of the above. Also, if they will accept it, be ready to host meals out so that you don't burden your parents with the cost of feeding you all the time. On the other hand, they likely will want to have you to meals at their house but that can get super expensive. So if they won't eat out, then perhaps you can shop with your mom and then pay for the groceries.

Have a lovely time with your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prep him in advance what to expect. If he is the good person you think he is, he will not care. He will likely worry about making a good impression on your parents!

This and stay in a hotel. Your parents seem like lovely people.

OP here. I keep asking him to stay at a hotel but he is insistent that we stay with my parents to save money. I think since this is the first time everyone will be meeting, us staying at a hotel would be ideal as we can manage how to have contact or when to see each other vs having some privacy. And it would lessen the stress on my parents to host us. They technically do have a guest room but I worry for them trying to buy food and feed us for 2 weeks!

You need to put your foot down and get a hotel.

[Anonymous]

You married a tightwad, OP. The ones that were raised not wanting for anything will look down their noses at poorer people. You’re stuck taking him this time but next time, go by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

In that case tell him that you’ll have to help out your parents with expenses even if parents resist.

He says he has no problem helping with groceries or something.

God I hate cheap people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

In that case tell him that you’ll have to help out your parents with expenses even if parents resist.

He says he has no problem helping with groceries or something.

God I hate cheap people.

+1 He better not "help" with groceries, he better BUY ALL THE DARN GROCERIES. Jeez. What a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

Then go by yourself. He is showing you his true self, so you should believe him. Have a great time with your parents and send him a postcard, if he thinks you can afford the stamp.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that you are stressed and between and rock and a hard place. Would it work for you to go longer and your husband to just join for part of the two weeks? You could go in advance (with money) and help stock up with groceries. If the issue is financial, that can be addressed. If you are feeling stressed because you are embarrassed about the financial situation of your parents, then I suggest you be very upfront about that with your DH and get his help navigating.

Something like: “Hon, I just want to to know that this trip planning is hard on me. I’ve seen the way you were raised. And although my parents are amazing people and I feel blessed to have been raised by them, I can’t help but feel embarrassed as I think about taking you to see their home. Their dignity matters a lot to me so I’d love your help in figuring out how I can take you home but in a way that works for me, my parents and for you.”

[Anonymous]

Your family, your parameters. You get to set the expectations and guide the experience, knowing the culture of your parents. What do your parents want? 2 weeks is a LONG time to spend In someone's home especially for the first time. Is the cost of a hotel prohibitive?

[Anonymous]

In reality, can you end your DH afford the hotel but he just doesn’t want to “shell out”?

There seem to be some issues in your marriage reflected in this particular conflict. Why are you embarrassed? Do you feel like you have to hide things from your DH because he is judgmental and you can’t be yourself? Do the two of you have communication issues?

I can’t gauge if you’ve been very clear with him about your parents’ situation and the hardship this visit will bring them and he’s just being rigid, controlling and possibly cheap or if you haven’t been clear (due to your own embarrassment) and he simply doesn’t have the whole picture. Or a bit of both,

He needs to understand that it’s not just your own discomfort that is a factor - it’s the difficulty on your parents hosting for two long weeks when they don’t really have the resources to do so. If you don’t stay in a hotel, I would pay for food and whatever additional expenses they would incur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

It's actually quite simple. If you guys can't afford a hotel or airb&b for 2 weeks, then you cut the length of your stay. Otherwise your parents would stress themselves beyond belief.

I'm beginning to think that your DH is willfully obtuse. He's not hearing what your concerns are, that no matter what he thinks, it's a huge imposition on your parents. Instead he's presenting these stark "either or" choices. I'd be embarrassed about being married to a dolt than having poor parents.

Sorry to generalized, but men don’t have the awareness of what goes into hosting someone. Your husband is only thinking about himself in this case. If you really want to go for a full 2 weeks to see your parents, leave him at home, like he said to do. He can visit them another time, or maybe see them if they come to you. I wonder how he would feel about them staying at your house for 2 weeks. Go and enjoy your parents. If you take him with you on this trip, I don’t see how you would be able to enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP - leave him home.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a jerk. Take control and cancel all spending that could be considered superfluous to save money for trip. I’m assuming your parents can’t travel to visit often, so you need to be able to visit together. Surely he realizes that it is important and meaningful for him to spend time with your family and build relationships? Tell him he is jeopardizing your marriage by sabotaging the trip, which is important to you.

[Anonymous]

I think 2 weeks is a long visit with family under any circumstances. Can you shorten the visit to one week and either stay in a hotel for a few days, or pay for all of the groceries at your parent’s house? I think 2 weeks is also a long time to rent a hotel room. I can see why your husband might be worried about the expense for 2 weeks, but I agree you need to find a middle ground, not just stay with your parents for 2 weeks.

I wouldn’t be embarrassed, plenty of people have parents that are embarrassing but I’ve never heard of it being a money issue. More like a bad personality issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP - leave him home.

+2 Sounds like he is already reluctant to spend the money to see your folks. He can go visit his parents while you are gone if he gets lonely. You save the cost of his trip and he gets to count his money in comfort.