How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!

[Anonymous]

We were too tired. Two NICU babies both with reflux. I wanted to sleep more than I wanted to kill him and Vice versa. Also we both knew it would be harder alone so….. now we laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I love each other, but doing his share around the house didn’t come naturally. When we moved in together, 50-50 housework split was my condition for it working. I had to train him, but we got the big fights about it out of the way then. He needed extra reminders when baby came, but he figured it out. He’s still not good at everything and is possibly the slowest dishwasher on the planet, but he does all the dishes (bottles and pump parts included) every night. Have a heart to heart about an even split. Then let him figure things out. Don’t nit pick when he doesn’t get it right.

[Anonymous]

When my first kid was a couple of months old and I went back to work, DH and I sat down with a list of chores and divided them up. We have always been pretty strict with “divide and conquer.” (For example, I always make dinner but he always cleans up the kitchen.). So we went through this list and it helped me realize a lot of stuff he was doing and also took some things off my plate.

[Anonymous]

Agree with much of what has been said here (except for trying to blame breastfeeding for the inequities -- I'm not going to waste space on that ridiculous suggestion). I have a nine month old and WOW, the first six months was just awful on my relationship with my husband. OP, I have been there! My husband is not a dud, but he was such a dud for the first several months postpartum. From my perspective, he did not take the initiative to do much, he had to be told exactly what to do (and would sometimes get irritated at being asked to help), the stress/lack of sleep made him selfish and turned him into a bit of a jerk, and he wasn't particularly interested in the baby the first few months. I say that this was from my perspective, and while my husband's perspective would inevitably be different, I do not think he would really disagree with this assessment. Of course, all of this was happening at a time when I needed his support more than ever. I did question whether our relationship could weather the storm, particularly because I was not interested in a long-term relationship with this level of inequity and friction. At the 5-6 month mark, however, I do feel like things started to slowly improve. At the 9 month mark, things feel much better, though not great (it is still a work in progress, but I do see good progress).

The thing that helped me the most during this period was hearing from other now-functional couples how common this relationship breakdown is, which is also very evident from this thread. There are a lot of reasons this happens, but I think a big one is lack of sleep. Sleep training the baby helped us quite a bit. Our baby also got easier and more fun around six months. The baby also developed a personality, which helped my husband better connect. And, over time, we just got a better handle on our new life. Tons of attempts (often failed) to patiently communicate also helped us. Assigning repetitive tasks to my husband was useful. It was also infuriating because that felt like yet another task I had to take on, manage, and monitor, but it was still ultimately helpful. The first several months are such a slog. For us, I think the only way out was through, but I do think we are coming out of the other side. OP, hopefully you will get there as well. In the meantime, just know many, many couples make it to the other side of this very challenging time.

[Anonymous]

All the people on this thread calling expecting one’s husband to do basic life admin and show truly basic levels of conscientiousness “mind reading” make me want to vomit. The expectations for men are so unbelievably low it’s mind boggling. It isn’t expecting “mind reading” to expect your husband to see you struggling and exhausting and take initiative without you telling them exactly how to do it. Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with much of what has been said here (except for trying to blame breastfeeding for the inequities -- I'm not going to waste space on that ridiculous suggestion). I have a nine month old and WOW, the first six months was just awful on my relationship with my husband. OP, I have been there! My husband is not a dud, but he was such a dud for the first several months postpartum. From my perspective, he did not take the initiative to do much, he had to be told exactly what to do (and would sometimes get irritated at being asked to help), the stress/lack of sleep made him selfish and turned him into a bit of a jerk, and he wasn't particularly interested in the baby the first few months. I say that this was from my perspective, and while my husband's perspective would inevitably be different, I do not think he would really disagree with this assessment. Of course, all of this was happening at a time when I needed his support more than ever. I did question whether our relationship could weather the storm, particularly because I was not interested in a long-term relationship with this level of inequity and friction. At the 5-6 month mark, however, I do feel like things started to slowly improve. At the 9 month mark, things feel much better, though not great (it is still a work in progress, but I do see good progress).

The thing that helped me the most during this period was hearing from other now-functional couples how common this relationship breakdown is, which is also very evident from this thread. There are a lot of reasons this happens, but I think a big one is lack of sleep. Sleep training the baby helped us quite a bit. Our baby also got easier and more fun around six months. The baby also developed a personality, which helped my husband better connect. And, over time, we just got a better handle on our new life. Tons of attempts (often failed) to patiently communicate also helped us. Assigning repetitive tasks to my husband was useful. It was also infuriating because that felt like yet another task I had to take on, manage, and monitor, but it was still ultimately helpful. The first several months are such a slog. For us, I think the only way out was through, but I do think we are coming out of the other side. OP, hopefully you will get there as well. In the meantime, just know many, many couples make it to the other side of this very challenging time.

I don’t think it is ridiculous at all. Breastfeeding falls solely on the woman and sends a strong signal to the man that the baby is the responsibility of the woman. Yes, the man can still do things but the hardest job of all is 100% on the woman. The baby is essentially tied to the woman for a period of time and it’s way more of a burden on the mom. It seems to set the tone for a lot of parenting going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with much of what has been said here (except for trying to blame breastfeeding for the inequities -- I'm not going to waste space on that ridiculous suggestion). I have a nine month old and WOW, the first six months was just awful on my relationship with my husband. OP, I have been there! My husband is not a dud, but he was such a dud for the first several months postpartum. From my perspective, he did not take the initiative to do much, he had to be told exactly what to do (and would sometimes get irritated at being asked to help), the stress/lack of sleep made him selfish and turned him into a bit of a jerk, and he wasn't particularly interested in the baby the first few months. I say that this was from my perspective, and while my husband's perspective would inevitably be different, I do not think he would really disagree with this assessment. Of course, all of this was happening at a time when I needed his support more than ever. I did question whether our relationship could weather the storm, particularly because I was not interested in a long-term relationship with this level of inequity and friction. At the 5-6 month mark, however, I do feel like things started to slowly improve. At the 9 month mark, things feel much better, though not great (it is still a work in progress, but I do see good progress).

The thing that helped me the most during this period was hearing from other now-functional couples how common this relationship breakdown is, which is also very evident from this thread. There are a lot of reasons this happens, but I think a big one is lack of sleep. Sleep training the baby helped us quite a bit. Our baby also got easier and more fun around six months. The baby also developed a personality, which helped my husband better connect. And, over time, we just got a better handle on our new life. Tons of attempts (often failed) to patiently communicate also helped us. Assigning repetitive tasks to my husband was useful. It was also infuriating because that felt like yet another task I had to take on, manage, and monitor, but it was still ultimately helpful. The first several months are such a slog. For us, I think the only way out was through, but I do think we are coming out of the other side. OP, hopefully you will get there as well. In the meantime, just know many, many couples make it to the other side of this very challenging time.

I don’t think it is ridiculous at all. Breastfeeding falls solely on the woman and sends a strong signal to the man that the baby is the responsibility of the woman. Yes, the man can still do things but the hardest job of all is 100% on the woman. The baby is essentially tied to the woman for a period of time and it’s way more of a burden on the mom. It seems to set the tone for a lot of parenting going forward.

I'm the PP. To be clearer, what I find ridiculous are the posts that are suggesting that the inequities are the mother's fault because she is choosing to breastfeed and that the heavier load is, therefore, self-inflicted. I do not disagree that breastfeeding can create inequities, but it is absurd to suggest that it is the mother's fault for choosing to breastfeed and that she should simply stop breastfeeding to improve the inequity. OP's complaints are far broader than who is feeding/waking up with the baby overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with much of what has been said here (except for trying to blame breastfeeding for the inequities -- I'm not going to waste space on that ridiculous suggestion). I have a nine month old and WOW, the first six months was just awful on my relationship with my husband. OP, I have been there! My husband is not a dud, but he was such a dud for the first several months postpartum. From my perspective, he did not take the initiative to do much, he had to be told exactly what to do (and would sometimes get irritated at being asked to help), the stress/lack of sleep made him selfish and turned him into a bit of a jerk, and he wasn't particularly interested in the baby the first few months. I say that this was from my perspective, and while my husband's perspective would inevitably be different, I do not think he would really disagree with this assessment. Of course, all of this was happening at a time when I needed his support more than ever. I did question whether our relationship could weather the storm, particularly because I was not interested in a long-term relationship with this level of inequity and friction. At the 5-6 month mark, however, I do feel like things started to slowly improve. At the 9 month mark, things feel much better, though not great (it is still a work in progress, but I do see good progress).

The thing that helped me the most during this period was hearing from other now-functional couples how common this relationship breakdown is, which is also very evident from this thread. There are a lot of reasons this happens, but I think a big one is lack of sleep. Sleep training the baby helped us quite a bit. Our baby also got easier and more fun around six months. The baby also developed a personality, which helped my husband better connect. And, over time, we just got a better handle on our new life. Tons of attempts (often failed) to patiently communicate also helped us. Assigning repetitive tasks to my husband was useful. It was also infuriating because that felt like yet another task I had to take on, manage, and monitor, but it was still ultimately helpful. The first several months are such a slog. For us, I think the only way out was through, but I do think we are coming out of the other side. OP, hopefully you will get there as well. In the meantime, just know many, many couples make it to the other side of this very challenging time.

I don’t think it is ridiculous at all. Breastfeeding falls solely on the woman and sends a strong signal to the man that the baby is the responsibility of the woman. Yes, the man can still do things but the hardest job of all is 100% on the woman. The baby is essentially tied to the woman for a period of time and it’s way more of a burden on the mom. It seems to set the tone for a lot of parenting going forward.

I'm the PP. To be clearer, what I find ridiculous are the posts that are suggesting that the inequities are the mother's fault because she is choosing to breastfeed and that the heavier load is, therefore, self-inflicted. I do not disagree that breastfeeding can create inequities, but it is absurd to suggest that it is the mother's fault for choosing to breastfeed and that she should simply stop breastfeeding to improve the inequity. OP's complaints are far broader than who is feeding/waking up with the baby overnight.

Seems pretty obvious to me. Unfortunately I do think in a lot of cases the heavier load is self-inflicted. Breastfeeding contributes to inequality and women would be much better off not breastfeeding. Notice how it’s advertised as FREE like a woman’s time is free??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with much of what has been said here (except for trying to blame breastfeeding for the inequities -- I'm not going to waste space on that ridiculous suggestion). I have a nine month old and WOW, the first six months was just awful on my relationship with my husband. OP, I have been there! My husband is not a dud, but he was such a dud for the first several months postpartum. From my perspective, he did not take the initiative to do much, he had to be told exactly what to do (and would sometimes get irritated at being asked to help), the stress/lack of sleep made him selfish and turned him into a bit of a jerk, and he wasn't particularly interested in the baby the first few months. I say that this was from my perspective, and while my husband's perspective would inevitably be different, I do not think he would really disagree with this assessment. Of course, all of this was happening at a time when I needed his support more than ever. I did question whether our relationship could weather the storm, particularly because I was not interested in a long-term relationship with this level of inequity and friction. At the 5-6 month mark, however, I do feel like things started to slowly improve. At the 9 month mark, things feel much better, though not great (it is still a work in progress, but I do see good progress).

The thing that helped me the most during this period was hearing from other now-functional couples how common this relationship breakdown is, which is also very evident from this thread. There are a lot of reasons this happens, but I think a big one is lack of sleep. Sleep training the baby helped us quite a bit. Our baby also got easier and more fun around six months. The baby also developed a personality, which helped my husband better connect. And, over time, we just got a better handle on our new life. Tons of attempts (often failed) to patiently communicate also helped us. Assigning repetitive tasks to my husband was useful. It was also infuriating because that felt like yet another task I had to take on, manage, and monitor, but it was still ultimately helpful. The first several months are such a slog. For us, I think the only way out was through, but I do think we are coming out of the other side. OP, hopefully you will get there as well. In the meantime, just know many, many couples make it to the other side of this very challenging time.

I don’t think it is ridiculous at all. Breastfeeding falls solely on the woman and sends a strong signal to the man that the baby is the responsibility of the woman. Yes, the man can still do things but the hardest job of all is 100% on the woman. The baby is essentially tied to the woman for a period of time and it’s way more of a burden on the mom. It seems to set the tone for a lot of parenting going forward.

I'm the PP. To be clearer, what I find ridiculous are the posts that are suggesting that the inequities are the mother's fault because she is choosing to breastfeed and that the heavier load is, therefore, self-inflicted. I do not disagree that breastfeeding can create inequities, but it is absurd to suggest that it is the mother's fault for choosing to breastfeed and that she should simply stop breastfeeding to improve the inequity. OP's complaints are far broader than who is feeding/waking up with the baby overnight.

Seems pretty obvious to me. Unfortunately I do think in a lot of cases the heavier load is self-inflicted. Breastfeeding contributes to inequality and women would be much better off not breastfeeding. Notice how it’s advertised as FREE like a woman’s time is free??

DP. The solution isn’t for women to stop BFing if it’s something they want to do. It’s for our culture to accommodate BFing by making it easier for moms and having expectations that dads need to pitch in equally in other ways.

Telling women to stop BFing because of a larger cultural problem is like telling POC to stop dressing certain ways if they want to avoid being harassed by police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with much of what has been said here (except for trying to blame breastfeeding for the inequities -- I'm not going to waste space on that ridiculous suggestion). I have a nine month old and WOW, the first six months was just awful on my relationship with my husband. OP, I have been there! My husband is not a dud, but he was such a dud for the first several months postpartum. From my perspective, he did not take the initiative to do much, he had to be told exactly what to do (and would sometimes get irritated at being asked to help), the stress/lack of sleep made him selfish and turned him into a bit of a jerk, and he wasn't particularly interested in the baby the first few months. I say that this was from my perspective, and while my husband's perspective would inevitably be different, I do not think he would really disagree with this assessment. Of course, all of this was happening at a time when I needed his support more than ever. I did question whether our relationship could weather the storm, particularly because I was not interested in a long-term relationship with this level of inequity and friction. At the 5-6 month mark, however, I do feel like things started to slowly improve. At the 9 month mark, things feel much better, though not great (it is still a work in progress, but I do see good progress).

The thing that helped me the most during this period was hearing from other now-functional couples how common this relationship breakdown is, which is also very evident from this thread. There are a lot of reasons this happens, but I think a big one is lack of sleep. Sleep training the baby helped us quite a bit. Our baby also got easier and more fun around six months. The baby also developed a personality, which helped my husband better connect. And, over time, we just got a better handle on our new life. Tons of attempts (often failed) to patiently communicate also helped us. Assigning repetitive tasks to my husband was useful. It was also infuriating because that felt like yet another task I had to take on, manage, and monitor, but it was still ultimately helpful. The first several months are such a slog. For us, I think the only way out was through, but I do think we are coming out of the other side. OP, hopefully you will get there as well. In the meantime, just know many, many couples make it to the other side of this very challenging time.

I don’t think it is ridiculous at all. Breastfeeding falls solely on the woman and sends a strong signal to the man that the baby is the responsibility of the woman. Yes, the man can still do things but the hardest job of all is 100% on the woman. The baby is essentially tied to the woman for a period of time and it’s way more of a burden on the mom. It seems to set the tone for a lot of parenting going forward.

I'm the PP. To be clearer, what I find ridiculous are the posts that are suggesting that the inequities are the mother's fault because she is choosing to breastfeed and that the heavier load is, therefore, self-inflicted. I do not disagree that breastfeeding can create inequities, but it is absurd to suggest that it is the mother's fault for choosing to breastfeed and that she should simply stop breastfeeding to improve the inequity. OP's complaints are far broader than who is feeding/waking up with the baby overnight.

Seems pretty obvious to me. Unfortunately I do think in a lot of cases the heavier load is self-inflicted. Breastfeeding contributes to inequality and women would be much better off not breastfeeding. Notice how it’s advertised as FREE like a woman’s time is free??

DP. The solution isn’t for women to stop BFing if it’s something they want to do. It’s for our culture to accommodate BFing by making it easier for moms and having expectations that dads need to pitch in equally in other ways.

Telling women to stop BFing because of a larger cultural problem is like telling POC to stop dressing certain ways if they want to avoid being harassed by police.

+1 PP is an idiot. To deny your baby an optimal food source because of some bizarre ideas about inequality is so shortsighted. I EBFed and was very happy during the infant years because my DH did more than his fair share in other ways and we had the foresight to get plenty of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the people on this thread calling expecting one’s husband to do basic life admin and show truly basic levels of conscientiousness “mind reading” make me want to vomit. The expectations for men are so unbelievably low it’s mind boggling. It isn’t expecting “mind reading” to expect your husband to see you struggling and exhausting and take initiative without you telling them exactly how to do it. Holy crap.

+1. The vast majority of men written about on her are incompetent.

Luckily my DH isn’t one of them (not perfect, but def not incompetent) and we never fought during the baby years. Honestly I found older kids much more challenging on our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with much of what has been said here (except for trying to blame breastfeeding for the inequities -- I'm not going to waste space on that ridiculous suggestion). I have a nine month old and WOW, the first six months was just awful on my relationship with my husband. OP, I have been there! My husband is not a dud, but he was such a dud for the first several months postpartum. From my perspective, he did not take the initiative to do much, he had to be told exactly what to do (and would sometimes get irritated at being asked to help), the stress/lack of sleep made him selfish and turned him into a bit of a jerk, and he wasn't particularly interested in the baby the first few months. I say that this was from my perspective, and while my husband's perspective would inevitably be different, I do not think he would really disagree with this assessment. Of course, all of this was happening at a time when I needed his support more than ever. I did question whether our relationship could weather the storm, particularly because I was not interested in a long-term relationship with this level of inequity and friction. At the 5-6 month mark, however, I do feel like things started to slowly improve. At the 9 month mark, things feel much better, though not great (it is still a work in progress, but I do see good progress).

The thing that helped me the most during this period was hearing from other now-functional couples how common this relationship breakdown is, which is also very evident from this thread. There are a lot of reasons this happens, but I think a big one is lack of sleep. Sleep training the baby helped us quite a bit. Our baby also got easier and more fun around six months. The baby also developed a personality, which helped my husband better connect. And, over time, we just got a better handle on our new life. Tons of attempts (often failed) to patiently communicate also helped us. Assigning repetitive tasks to my husband was useful. It was also infuriating because that felt like yet another task I had to take on, manage, and monitor, but it was still ultimately helpful. The first several months are such a slog. For us, I think the only way out was through, but I do think we are coming out of the other side. OP, hopefully you will get there as well. In the meantime, just know many, many couples make it to the other side of this very challenging time.

I could have written this word for word, down to DS being 9 months old! Completely agree. The 6 month mark was a gamechanger. Sleep training, hard but necessary discussions with DH about expectations, and my DH better connecting with our son as he became mobile improved things a ton. We still have some tough days but it is a LOT better than me seething with resentment at DH in the early days when I could barely summon the energy to tell him exactly how he could help, and so he didn't. I've worked on my communication skills a great deal as well.

[Anonymous]

My DH is not a dud, but I still nearly murdered him on a regular basis after our DD was born. Once he spilled my pumped breastmilk all over the place and I have never felt rage like that! He also never seemed as aware of safety issues as I would have liked and gave off this vibe like he felt I was concerned about dumb stuff. He really did not function well on low sleep.

Now that DD is almost 2, those are distant memories. He works his butt off for us and I think we both learned a lot that we can put into practice for baby #2. You’ll get through it OP, but get on the same page about dividing the essential tasks so you don’t feel like his manager.

[Anonymous]

God, I love being divorced. Men are so useless when you really need them.

I wish you the best, OP. If we were friends, I'd come over and actually help you.

[Anonymous]

You're not his boss, OP, so stop acting like it. You will be a lot happier if you let go of the assumption that you're always right / the parenting expert.