How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!

[Anonymous]

H and I just had our first baby a couple months ago and I’m already fantasizing about divorce.

I just want him to do one thing without me having to ask. ONE. I want to come downstairs one morning to a clean kitchen, or even just washed bottles, since I know he’s up until 1am screwing around on his phone. I want him to just offer to make dinner once or twice a week without me having to ask, nag him for a grocery list, and get the groceries. I want him to stop complaining to me about how he hates how the yard is messy and just go freaking clean it up himself if it bothers him that much. I want him to clean all his gross hair off the floor so it stops sticking to everything. I want him to handle JUST ONE early morning wake up without me asking so I can sleep in and not feel like I’m losing my mind from the sleep deprivation.

Like I legit can’t believe I used to love this man so much I would tear up with joy thinking about our future together. I thought a baby would be this magical time full of love and happiness, and instead it’s just tears and frustration.

How did you get through the early years??

[Anonymous]

Communication helps. All this expectation to read your mind isn’t going to get you anywhere or have a good result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communication helps. All this expectation to read your mind isn’t going to get you anywhere or have a good result.

Ha! True. I guess it sort of feels like, he’d be able to show basic consideration and planning ahead if it were coworkers or roommates. Like he wouldn’t let his dirty dishes pile up in the sink at work because he wanted to look up sports scores. Or if he saw something at work that needed to be done, he’d do it, instead of sitting around 6 feet away waiting for his boss to tell him to do it. I don’t get why he can’t show baseline consideration at home, ya know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication helps. All this expectation to read your mind isn’t going to get you anywhere or have a good result.

Ha! True. I guess it sort of feels like, he’d be able to show basic consideration and planning ahead if it were coworkers or roommates. Like he wouldn’t let his dirty dishes pile up in the sink at work because he wanted to look up sports scores. Or if he saw something at work that needed to be done, he’d do it, instead of sitting around 6 feet away waiting for his boss to tell him to do it. I don’t get why he can’t show baseline consideration at home, ya know?

Again: Use your words.

And be very careful with this line of thought. I am sure you aren’t perfect.

[Anonymous]

Did he do these things before the baby? If not then you may have married a dud.

My DH sleeps less than me so he does *everything* - cooking/cleaning after I sleep. Yard on weekend while baby naps. Grocery runs at WFH lunchtime. But he also did a ton around the house pre-baby too.

Communicate your needs and extend some grace - it's all very new for you both.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been married 16 years. The very lowest point so far has been the 6 months after our first kid. I thought I’d ruined my life.

[Anonymous]

I married a guy who takes initiative.

[Anonymous]

I married a guy that did laundry, dishes, etc so it naturally extended to doing more things when the baby was born. Unfortunately we all fall into patterns we were raised in. Talk to your husband and explain you need help. Make sure you aren’t over looking things that he is doing or that you are actually letting him do some things. Once the baby is a little older it gets better as there is a little more sleep.

[Anonymous]

I have a 21 month old. I went through the same thing. It's 1000% better now with the DH. I think he dealt with the stress by checking out. I also think he didn't quite get how exhausted I was since despite my best efforts, I was the primary caregiver. I think he also is just more comfortable with a toddler. Sorry, OP. Best advice I can give is try to let things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married a guy who takes initiative.

NP. I thought I did, but then we had kids, and now I'm in the same boat as OP. He is obsessed with his phone and video games and won't lift a finger unless I ask, to the point that I feel like all I do is beg for help...complete reversal of how he was before we had kids. And yes, he wanted them. We dealt with infertility, and he was supposedly so devastated by the thought of being childless. I guess he wanted kids...he just didnt want all of the work that goes with it.
I should have paid more attention to the relationship between his parents. His dad is the exact same way. I guess DH is just following the behavior pattern her saw growing up.

[Anonymous]

OP I don’t know why evolution did this, probably so we would break up and to find other sperm, but I’ve never hated my husband the way I did when our baby was little and objectively, he also SUCKED. He does so much more around the house now, two years in. It makes no sense. For sure I was more inclined physically to be mad and also obviously you’re both exhausted. It’s really hard and I think it’s a real phenomenon that should be talked about more so people know it’s coming.

One thing that helped is we had to pick things that he does EVERY DAY. So he is always responsible for the dishes before bed, for washing the pump parts before bed, for evening bath. Or whatever is your list but that really helped a lot. It was just impossible for him to take initiative on other stuff. He would say because I was bossy/already doing it, I would say because I am a functional adult.

I don’t know but this has gotten so much better. It left a scar, absolutely. There’s no question. But I’m back to believing that our marriage is a long road that will have hills and valleys and we’ve been able to enjoy enjoying each other a lot more lately. For a long time we only enjoyed enjoying the baby together, so it’s progress.

[Anonymous]

People have different focuses. I think when everyone has plenty of sleep and plenty of time, everything gets done. When the sleep and the time get limited, people start to crack a little. My SO would do dumb shit. Like in your example, he would only do the yard work. I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in months (due to bf) and you want a cookie and a pat on the back because the yard looks good? How about, I don’t know, watching your kid so I can consistently shower or take a walk alone or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Medical Marijuana

[Anonymous]

You have to delegate stuff and then not do it or talk about it. When my kid was young my husband was in charge of dinner. I didn’t plan dinner, grocery shop or talk about it. If he didn’t figure it out, there wouldn’t be any. Yes there is takeout but even men get tired of unhealthy takeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have different focuses. I think when everyone has plenty of sleep and plenty of time, everything gets done. When the sleep and the time get limited, people start to crack a little. My SO would do dumb shit. Like in your example, he would only do the yard work. I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in months (due to bf) and you want a cookie and a pat on the back because the yard looks good? How about, I don’t know, watching your kid so I can consistently shower or take a walk alone or whatever.

Ok but that’s your choice. I think a lot of the pain of having young kids is self inflicted. There are so many moms who Moll themselves breastfeeding and don’t sleep train. Did your DH ask you to wake up every 3 hours to feed your kid? I doubt it. So it’s kind of silly to judge him. I don’t want a miserable life so I don’t breastfeed and I sleep train at a young age.