How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!

[Anonymous]

Op, how long were you married before having a baby?

It (usually) gets better. Can you schedule a conversation and ask him which tasks he wants to be in charge of daily so the mental load of asking isn’t on you?

[Anonymous]

start outsourcing everything you don't want to do and then he can decide whether to pay for it or do it himself. Yes, tell him you are busy with the baby and you need to hire a daily housekeeper because there apparently is not enough bandwidth in the house to take care of these things. Same with landscaper.

[Anonymous]

The baby years are ROUGH. My youngest is four and we’re just coming out of this. What helped us is to give DH a defined job that he’s completely in charge of. For us, that’s trash night, kids laundry, and putting away dishes. I just won’t do those things, so when the kids don’t have clean clothes, I tell them to bother their dad. It’s helped!

[Anonymous]

You need to work together as a team. I would ask him to put his phone away for an hour to make dinner. He can also give the baby a bath. Make a list together of stuff that needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

OP, the first years are very difficult for everyone. Surround yourself with positive people - NOT people who claim how easy everything is. That is BS, or they have an easy baby, or whatever.

Everyone is tired, everyone is running on steam. You got this. The years are short, but the days are long. Does DH respond well to lists? Maybe write a list, bullet form, on the tasks that need to be done, which days/nights, and which are his tasks. Or use a calendar, whatever works - probably hard copy, maybe posted on the fridge, so he has no excuse not to see it.

Have a calm chat about how you need more help, and you need him to contribute. I used to have meltdowns from exhaustion in the very early days. DH didn't GAF because that is how his family are - selfish. It was a nightmare. Try to be calm and gentle with each other, and yes, use your words - be direct and no nonsense. Decide on a time period where you both put your phone away. Try not to point fingers. You got this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have different focuses. I think when everyone has plenty of sleep and plenty of time, everything gets done. When the sleep and the time get limited, people start to crack a little. My SO would do dumb shit. Like in your example, he would only do the yard work. I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in months (due to bf) and you want a cookie and a pat on the back because the yard looks good? How about, I don’t know, watching your kid so I can consistently shower or take a walk alone or whatever.

Ok but that’s your choice. I think a lot of the pain of having young kids is self inflicted. There are so many moms who Moll themselves breastfeeding and don’t sleep train. Did your DH ask you to wake up every 3 hours to feed your kid? I doubt it. So it’s kind of silly to judge him. I don’t want a miserable life so I don’t breastfeed and I sleep train at a young age.

What? DH may have not asked her to wake up but the baby sure did. If possible, breastfeeding is best. That poster was doing what was in the best interest of their child. DH should be supportive. You sound selfish and lazy and that's why you don't breastfeed. Can't imagine what else you don't bother with at your child's expense.

[Anonymous]

It was tough, we took help from any and all sources. Lists helped but necessary tasks change so rapidly with a baby in the house. Dad would drive baby in car seat to get him calm and baby asleep. Crazy seeming now, but happened for months! You got this, it does get better.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard, OP! Tell him exactly what you need him to do and tell him your exhaustion. I love my husband dearly but he simply does not see what I see (which I should have known before having kids when he would step over menus slid under our door in NYC rather than pick them up).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have different focuses. I think when everyone has plenty of sleep and plenty of time, everything gets done. When the sleep and the time get limited, people start to crack a little. My SO would do dumb shit. Like in your example, he would only do the yard work. I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in months (due to bf) and you want a cookie and a pat on the back because the yard looks good? How about, I don’t know, watching your kid so I can consistently shower or take a walk alone or whatever.

Ok but that’s your choice. I think a lot of the pain of having young kids is self inflicted. There are so many moms who Moll themselves breastfeeding and don’t sleep train. Did your DH ask you to wake up every 3 hours to feed your kid? I doubt it. So it’s kind of silly to judge him. I don’t want a miserable life so I don’t breastfeed and I sleep train at a young age.

What? DH may have not asked her to wake up but the baby sure did. If possible, breastfeeding is best. That poster was doing what was in the best interest of their child. DH should be supportive. You sound selfish and lazy and that's why you don't breastfeed. Can't imagine what else you don't bother with at your child's expense.

Wow. You can call me selfish and lazy, but my child is happy and so am I. I sleep 8-9 hours a night and have a great life. I don’t see any point in breastfeeding and staying up all night with a kid. It’s not like anyone has any idea years later which kids were breastfed and which kids screamed and cried all night because of it.

Regardless you missed the point. Breastfeeding and tending to a kid all night is optional. OP’s husband isn’t doing it, right? OP doesn’t have to either. Some men aren’t going to be that bothered that you’re exhausted because you’re doing something completely optional.

Of course I live my life like a man. I sleep, value my career and have an active social life. I don’t make my life harder by not sleep training or breastfeeding. I would reconsider if there were a benefit, but I don’t see one.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? Hand him the baby and let him figure it out. That’s what I did. Now he can basically do everything I did. .

[Anonymous]

I will never forget visiting one of my friend's who had a small infant, maybe 5 weeks old. She was seething with anger at her DH. Like livid. Spent a lot of time tell me she was looking up divorce attorneys because he was so terrible.

That never happened, and when I mentioned it to her a few years later, she did NOT REMEMBER saying any of that. So yeah post partum can be a rocky time. You may be feeling really rage-y. That's normal!

But, it's never a bad idea to keep working to get on the same page as your DH. In a CALM time, sit down and say you've been feeling really agitated about the state of the kitchen in the morning. Work together to get a plan to help set it up well. Then move on to meal planning. Do it together for the week, then send him to the store. Keep it simple, rely on frozen stuff if you need too.

It's also ok to just tell him this is not acceptable and he needs to SEE MORE. I always tell my Dh that he has a master's degree and I am SURE he can figure it out. Cooking is not rocket science! Neither is cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have different focuses. I think when everyone has plenty of sleep and plenty of time, everything gets done. When the sleep and the time get limited, people start to crack a little. My SO would do dumb shit. Like in your example, he would only do the yard work. I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in months (due to bf) and you want a cookie and a pat on the back because the yard looks good? How about, I don’t know, watching your kid so I can consistently shower or take a walk alone or whatever.

Ok but that’s your choice. I think a lot of the pain of having young kids is self inflicted. There are so many moms who Moll themselves breastfeeding and don’t sleep train. Did your DH ask you to wake up every 3 hours to feed your kid? I doubt it. So it’s kind of silly to judge him. I don’t want a miserable life so I don’t breastfeed and I sleep train at a young age.

What? DH may have not asked her to wake up but the baby sure did. If possible, breastfeeding is best. That poster was doing what was in the best interest of their child. DH should be supportive. You sound selfish and lazy and that's why you don't breastfeed. Can't imagine what else you don't bother with at your child's expense.

Wow. You can call me selfish and lazy, but my child is happy and so am I. I sleep 8-9 hours a night and have a great life. I don’t see any point in breastfeeding and staying up all night with a kid. It’s not like anyone has any idea years later which kids were breastfed and which kids screamed and cried all night because of it.

Regardless you missed the point. Breastfeeding and tending to a kid all night is optional. OP’s husband isn’t doing it, right? OP doesn’t have to either. Some men aren’t going to be that bothered that you’re exhausted because you’re doing something completely optional.

Of course I live my life like a man. I sleep, value my career and have an active social life. I don’t make my life harder by not sleep training or breastfeeding. I would reconsider if there were a benefit, but I don’t see one.

The OP’s baby is two months old. I really hope you were not ignoring your baby completely all night long at two months old. Every kid has some period of time with more intense needs and when one parent refuses to help meet them, yes it leaves a scar (I like that phrasing from whoever said it earlier). OP I don’t know the answer but I hear you. It’s a really hard time and things will get easier but you don’t really forget ever (my DH was at least working a lot and not just on his phone when I was struggling badly, but I still felt so alone and scared at times, especially right after I went back to work myself). I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

There is so much growing up you will do over the next 20 years.

Make a honey do list and stop expecting him to read your mind.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel you. During the first year of DD's life I legit wished I was a single mom. DH was insufferable and unhelpful. At times downright mean, because he didn't like being told what to do (like told not to leave DD alone on the changing table). I lost it with him (yelled, floated the ide of separation which I genuinely felt would be necessary if things didn't change) a few times, and he acted like I was the worst person in the world for it. But he did start helping more after I yelled, so there is that. Eventually he got into the swing of being a parent, and I learned to pick my battles. There was a lot of bitterness on both sides for a long time. At one point when DD was around 18 months we decided to just stop talking about what happened during that first year. Marriage is reviving slowly - he really is a great dad in many ways now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? Hand him the baby and let him figure it out. That’s what I did. Now he can basically do everything I did. .

Very mature