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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Agree with much of what has been said here [b](except for trying to blame breastfeeding for the inequities -- I'm not going to waste space on that ridiculous suggestion).[/b]  I have a nine month old and WOW, the first six months was just awful on my relationship with my husband.  OP, I have been there!  My husband is not a dud, but he was such a dud for the first several months postpartum.  From my perspective, he did not take the initiative to do much, he had to be told exactly what to do (and would sometimes get irritated at being asked to help), the stress/lack of sleep made him selfish and turned him into a bit of a jerk, and he wasn't particularly interested in the baby the first few months.  I say that this was from my perspective, and while my husband's perspective would inevitably be different, I do not think he would really disagree with this assessment.  Of course, all of this was happening at a time when I needed his support more than ever.  I did question whether our relationship could weather the storm, particularly because I was not interested in a long-term relationship with this level of inequity and friction.  At the 5-6 month mark, however, I do feel like things started to slowly improve.  At the 9 month mark, things feel much better, though not great (it is still a work in progress, but I do see good progress).

The thing that helped me the most during this period was hearing from other now-functional couples how common this relationship breakdown is, which is also very evident from this thread.  There are a lot of reasons this happens, but I think a big one is lack of sleep.  Sleep training the baby helped us quite a bit.  Our baby also got easier and more fun around six months.  The baby also developed a personality, which helped my husband better connect.  And, over time, we just got a better handle on our new life.  Tons of attempts (often failed) to patiently communicate also helped us.  Assigning repetitive tasks to my husband was useful.  It was also infuriating because that felt like yet another task I had to take on, manage, and monitor, but it was still ultimately helpful.  The first several months are such a slog.  For us, I think the only way out was through, but I do think we are coming out of the other side.  OP, hopefully you will get there as well.  In the meantime, just know many, many couples make it to the other side of this very challenging time.    [/quote]

I don’t think it is ridiculous at all.  Breastfeeding falls solely on the woman and sends a strong signal to the man that the baby is the responsibility of the woman. Yes, the man can still do things but the hardest job of all is 100% on the woman. The baby is essentially tied to the woman for a period of time and it’s way more of a burden on the mom.  It seems to set the tone for a lot of parenting going forward.  [/quote]

I'm the PP.  To be clearer, what I find ridiculous are the posts that are suggesting that the inequities are the mother's fault because she is choosing to breastfeed and that the heavier load is, therefore, self-inflicted.[b]  I do not disagree that breastfeeding can create inequities[/b], but it is absurd to suggest that it is the mother's fault for choosing to breastfeed and that [b]she should simply stop breastfeeding to improve the inequity.[/b]  OP's complaints are far broader than who is feeding/waking up with the baby overnight.    [/quote]

Seems pretty obvious to me.  Unfortunately I do think in a lot of cases the heavier load is self-inflicted.  Breastfeeding contributes to inequality and women would be much better off not breastfeeding.  Notice how it’s advertised as FREE like a woman’s time is free??  [/quote]

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