Adult child's home is not clean, do I say something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult child is single and in their 30s so no partner or kids to keep up with. Home is small so not a huge job. Child was raised in a home that was always kept neat and was cleaned regularly by parents with children helping. My home is currently kept neat and clean so that's what adult child sees when they visit.

When I visit adult child their home is basically neat but bathroom is not cleaned well and kitchen is kind of sketchy too.

Do I say something? So far I have not, ever. I want to maintain the good relationship I have with adult child and do not want to introduce conflict.

Still, it bothers me. I don't like a non-clean bathroom.

Hmm, tell them to hire cleaners once a month for scrubbing and destabilizing and dusting. One person with no pets should be generating tons of dirt. And you seem day they don’t have clutter or untidyiness

Nope! A parent has no standing to tell an adult child how to spend their money. How presumptuous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult child IS the same as a friend

imo, that's the approach you want.

So, I'm guessing you aren't the "generational wealth" poster

[Anonymous]

I’m glad you aren’t going to say anything. Nothing will ever be clean enough for my mother. Ever. I’m 45 and have regular cleaners plus I clean. We have kids and she will find one crumb in the silverware tray and comment how she could never live in a dirty kitchen and how it takes one second to keep things clean… just this week she called to ask me when and how often I cleaned the inside and outside of all my windows since she does hers regularly. She hasn’t been to my house in two years so don’t know what this was on her mind.

[Anonymous]

When I was pregnant (ended up being a week from giving birth a month early) our in-laws came to visit. In the best of times our studio was a disaster and we just weren’t ready. My fIl said something about how we didn’t do the laundry and clean before they arrived. He said “heard of a hamper?” Not appreciated. My MIL said “would you like help?” She then parked me on a chair while she held up things and said “keep or chuck?”, sent my husband to the laundry room to wash all the “keeps”’, ironed my ironing pile, and folded / hung my laundry. It was the most amazing gift of service.

I’ve realized I know how to clean (like scrub a floor / tub / toilet / counter; vacuum, wash a window…) but I really don’t know how to organize. I’ve hired organizers and that’s really helped.

Maybe your child - as others have said - doesn’t know how to clean?

That said, I’m fine with “clean enough” and prefer to spend my time and energy on other things and maybe that’s going on? They could have unknown health issues, be working late, dating someone, playing sport, catching up on sleep…any number of things that could take priority over being spotless for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be that because you were such a clean freak that your child has a lot of anxiety over being super clean and they want to be laid back. Same goes for dirty parents and their kids vow to be cleaner than the Victorians.

I was going to suggest the same thing. Not as an insult, but kids tend to go against how their parents were with many things. Unless it’s a safety issue, just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult child IS the same as a friend

imo, that's the approach you want.

I think that's really sad. Or maybe you're just super close with your friends. But I really hope there are things you can say with family that you wouldn't with people you don't share blood with.

[Anonymous]

1) Most adult kids won't ever have home cleanliness to their mother's expectation, even in their 30s

2) This is especially true if the parents were boomer generation where stereotypically speaking, the mother didn't work full time and had more time to focus on keeping a clean and tidy home.

3) This is especially true if the child is a single man. Do I dare admit that my DH admits to almost never washing his sheets in college? Luckily I didn't know him then. Yet I met him years later and eventually married him, when he graduated to maybe once a month thanks to having a girl around . Even now, while he will clean, if there was no me, the bathrooms would not be cleaned as often, floors would not be vacuumed as often, etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

My mom is visiting now, and constantly cleaning stuff. I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult child is single and in their 30s so no partner or kids to keep up with. Home is small so not a huge job. Child was raised in a home that was always kept neat and was cleaned regularly by parents with children helping. My home is currently kept neat and clean so that's what adult child sees when they visit.

When I visit adult child their home is basically neat but bathroom is not cleaned well and kitchen is kind of sketchy too.

Do I say something? So far I have not, ever. I want to maintain the good relationship I have with adult child and do not want to introduce conflict.

Still, it bothers me. I don't like a non-clean bathroom.

1. Your gender free use of their is annoying.

2 . Suggest that “they“ hire a housekeeping service. It will actually make them feel better in “ their” home and will help with “their”
social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is visiting now, and constantly cleaning stuff. I love it.

+1 When my mom walks in the door (usually the side door) her first stop is the laundry room where she throws in a load and folds clothes that were in the dryer. Next she walks into the kitchen and will straighten up there. Note that I have a full time housekeeper (!!!) who usually sees her pull up and then holds open the door for her. Whatever makes them both happy. TBH I am really glad that our housekeeper is so flexible and secure that she doesn't feel threatened by my mom's "help" Instead she just goes with the flow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult child IS the same as a friend

imo, that's the approach you want.

I think that's really sad. Or maybe you're just super close with your friends. But I really hope there are things you can say with family that you wouldn't with people you don't share blood with.

I think adult child should be treated as you would treat an adult sibling. Of course there are things you can say with family only, but nagging about money, badmouthing the spouse, or snide comments about the house being dirty should be beyond the pale. Yet many parents do these with their adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is visiting now, and constantly cleaning stuff. I love it.

pathetic on your part and her part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult child is single and in their 30s so no partner or kids to keep up with. Home is small so not a huge job. Child was raised in a home that was always kept neat and was cleaned regularly by parents with children helping. My home is currently kept neat and clean so that's what adult child sees when they visit.

When I visit adult child their home is basically neat but bathroom is not cleaned well and kitchen is kind of sketchy too.

Do I say something? So far I have not, ever. I want to maintain the good relationship I have with adult child and do not want to introduce conflict.

Still, it bothers me. I don't like a non-clean bathroom.

Ask them if they do a monthly (at least) deep cleaning of bathrooms and kitchen? or at least before visitors.
They need to .

That's fine if they live by themselves and don't care about dust and goo accumulating, but don't put other people through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is visiting now, and constantly cleaning stuff. I love it.

pathetic on your part and her part.

I also love parents' help. And I love to help them as well.

[Anonymous]

In their THIRTIES?!