Adult child's home is not clean, do I say something?
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Anonymous
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Adult child is single and in their 30s so no partner or kids to keep up with. Home is small so not a huge job. Child was raised in a home that was always kept neat and was cleaned regularly by parents with children helping. My home is currently kept neat and clean so that's what adult child sees when they visit.
When I visit adult child their home is basically neat but bathroom is not cleaned well and kitchen is kind of sketchy too. Do I say something? So far I have not, ever. I want to maintain the good relationship I have with adult child and do not want to introduce conflict. Still, it bothers me. I don't like a non-clean bathroom. |
Anonymous
| No! |
Anonymous
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If you don’t like to use a non-clean bathroom you can clean it or not use it. I’m not being snarky, I know that using dirty bathrooms makes others uncomfortable and that’s fine.
But no you don’t say anything. I’m sure they know it’s dirty. |
Anonymous
| Did you ever teach them how to clean a bathroom or kitchen, or was it always magically done from their perspective? I remember at one point not even knowing what products to use or how to approach it. |
Anonymous
| “Not cleaned well” could mean a lot of things. Are we talking about a health hazard? Or is it your basic ring around the toilet bowl or toothpaste globs in the sink? |
Anonymous
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It's not your house, OP. And your offspring is not you. They lead their own life and make their own decisions.
If you are worried about depression or something for more reasons than this, then that can be brought up gently. If they are functional in their life and seem happy, but you would do a deeper clean of parts of their own private living area than you do, then you treat them as an autonomous adult and interact with them as politely and with as much grace as possible. That means not telling them that they are dirty, even if phrased more politely. They are no longer four, and this is not in your purview. Hopefully you taught them well enough that they would understand boundaries and respect personal choices, if they were placed in a similar situation as you. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, say something. I mean don't make a federal case about it - but I think it's fair to let your kid know they're living in a gross house. If nothing else, they can clean up before you come over - but also think about the potential partners they are turning off by living like this.
I see the argument for biting your tongue, but they're got to hear it from someone - why not you? |
Anonymous
| ^^"than they are doing" |
Anonymous
| Don't say a word. It's their life, they are an adult. Worry about your own bathrooms, OP. |
Anonymous
| It could be that because you were such a clean freak that your child has a lot of anxiety over being super clean and they want to be laid back. Same goes for dirty parents and their kids vow to be cleaner than the Victorians. |
Anonymous
“Not cleaned well” is suspect. It’s cleaned, but not up to your standards is what this sounds like. Unless you are genuinely concerned that this is part of a larger mental health issue or something don’t say anything! People have different standards. You must know this by now. |
Anonymous
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Son or daughter?
If son, you may want to gently joke that women will be more impressed if he keeps his house a bit cleaner. |
Anonymous
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My parents were certainly freaked out when they visited and saw the parlous state of the apartment I shared with my slob husband. By myself I'm not messy, but having ADHD, I don't have a lot of bandwidth to tidy up more than my share. So instead of making remarks, my father CLEANED. It was heavenly, and the most helpful thing he could have done. He has a standing invitation to return, any time 
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Anonymous
| No. That would be rude. |
Anonymous
| I would. I'd say "do you want to go to the store and I'll buy you some windex and paper towels? We can throw out the trash on our way out." No big deal. |