Adult child's home is not clean, do I say something?

[Anonymous]

I would just say “This isn’t important to me and I love coming to visit you as is, but since I’m your mother, I’m going to point out that your bathroom is kind of dirty. Maybe you should hire a housecleaner.”

[Anonymous]

OP here-thanks for all your input. I tend to agree that I should not bring it up. My instinct is that parenting ends when a child becomes an adult and from that point on you enjoy an adult-adult relationship if you are lucky enough to have a pleasant one, which I am. I enjoy the company of my adult children more than anyone else I know.

I have thought about just going ahead and cleaning but even that seems to be a bit insulting. I do clean up after myself when I use their bathroom and kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would. I'd say "do you want to go to the store and I'll buy you some windex and paper towels? We can throw out the trash on our way out." No big deal.

To someone in their 30’s? That’s so passive aggressive. Just say what you want to say. They’re not an idiot and you’re not fooling anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would. I'd say "do you want to go to the store and I'll buy you some windex and paper towels? We can throw out the trash on our way out." No big deal.

To someone in their 30’s? That’s so passive aggressive. Just say what you want to say. They’re not an idiot and you’re not fooling anyone.

Unless the 30 yr old is bedridden, they are an idiot if they don't know to clean before people come to visit.

[Anonymous]

I'm on the fence. There are things I did as an adult that I just didn't realize were not great. I wish I had learned earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-thanks for all your input. I tend to agree that I should not bring it up. My instinct is that parenting ends when a child becomes an adult and from that point on you enjoy an adult-adult relationship if you are lucky enough to have a pleasant one, which I am. I enjoy the company of my adult children more than anyone else I know.

I have thought about just going ahead and cleaning but even that seems to be a bit insulting. I do clean up after myself when I use their bathroom and kitchen.

I have a great adult-adult relationship with my parents. If they mentioned my dirty bathroom I would be moderately chagrined. If they started cleaning it, I would be fully horrified. I would think they had lost their mind. Mentioning my dirty bathroom and OFFERING to help clean it would be one thing, though I would decline unless post partum or something. But the conversation is first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-thanks for all your input. I tend to agree that I should not bring it up. My instinct is that parenting ends when a child becomes an adult and from that point on you enjoy an adult-adult relationship if you are lucky enough to have a pleasant one, which I am. I enjoy the company of my adult children more than anyone else I know.

I have thought about just going ahead and cleaning but even that seems to be a bit insulting. I do clean up after myself when I use their bathroom and kitchen.

I have a great adult-adult relationship with my parents. If they mentioned my dirty bathroom I would be moderately chagrined. If they started cleaning it, I would be fully horrified. I would think they had lost their mind. Mentioning my dirty bathroom and OFFERING to help clean it would be one thing, though I would decline unless post partum or something. But the conversation is first!

OP here-I have thought about offering to clean but since my adult child has plenty of time to clean and is in good health it seems like I would just be criticizing their standard of cleanliness. I guess ultimately it's not bad enough that I am totally grossed out so I'm going to just leave the issue alone. I did want to get some opinions from people in my adult child's age group though so that's why I posted.

[Anonymous]

Stay in your lane. If you wouldn't go to another adult's house and comment on its cleanliness, why would it be ok to go to your adult child's house and comment on its cleanliness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in your lane. If you wouldn't go to another adult's house and comment on its cleanliness, why would it be ok to go to your adult child's house and comment on its cleanliness?

Good point! Once a friend asked me to stay with her teen kids while she and H went out of town for a weekend. I stayed in their MBR. The bathroom was NOT clean. I was disgusted. The end result was I have never been back to their house again but I did not say anything to them. However I am not willing to stay away from my adult child's home. Even so, I've decided I'm not going to say anything.

[Anonymous]

Ignore it. If it bothered them, they must’ve cleaned or got it cleaned, at least for your visit. If it bothers you then offer help help or money.

If you are worried about their mental health then do discuss it, not something to ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in your lane. If you wouldn't go to another adult's house and comment on its cleanliness, why would it be ok to go to your adult child's house and comment on its cleanliness?

Well, you don’t love of care about other adults like you do for adults you birthed and raised.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the minority, and I only have daughters, but I would definitely say something. Something like “good grief child, did I not teach you how to properly clean a bathroom!?!” Then I’d clean it. And I feel like my point would be made.

It might be different with boys but I don’t have any.

[Anonymous]

I would say something. I would t be snarky and I would t lecture. But I’d say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in your lane. If you wouldn't go to another adult's house and comment on its cleanliness, why would it be ok to go to your adult child's house and comment on its cleanliness?

Well, you don’t love of care about other adults like you do for adults you birthed and raised.

What does loving my children have to do with how clean they keep their houses? If I don't suspect the cleanliness is a function of depression or some other health issue, then it's none of my business. I know I taught my kids how to clean and expected them to keep their rooms in my home clean, but it's their decision whether they clean and how much in their own homes.

My oldest son is 25 and bought his house a year ago. He doesn't keep it as clean as I keep my home, but as long as I'm not paying his mortgage (which I'm not, nor did I pay for any part of the down payment), then it's none of my business.

My own mother was critical of me about all kinds of things that weren't any of her business and it certainly didn't endear her to me or make me want to spend time with her.

[Anonymous]

My parents had a housekeeper when we were growing up. They expected nothing of my sister but I got stuck helping with the cooking and cleaning and when she went to college I got stuck being the maid as they claimed they needed the money for college.

So, my sister's apartment was always nasty. I had to clean the bathroom and refused to eat in the kitchen as it was so gross. I even bought things like a vacuum....maybe it is parenting.