Adult child's home is not clean, do I say something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My parents were certainly freaked out when they visited and saw the parlous state of the apartment I shared with my slob husband. By myself I'm not messy, but having ADHD, I don't have a lot of bandwidth to tidy up more than my share.

So instead of making remarks, my father CLEANED. It was heavenly, and the most helpful thing he could have done. He has a standing invitation to return, any time

I love this arcane word and, by extension, you. ♥️

[Anonymous]

I would suggest that an occasional visit from a cleaning service wouldn't hurt. Assuming child could afford it.

[Anonymous]

I'm 46 years old and my house still isn't clean enough for my mom. It causes me anxiety. Leave it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 46 years old and my house still isn't clean enough for my mom. It causes me anxiety. Leave it be.

Me again, and wanted to add you can hire them a house cleaner. I wouldn't say no to my mom paying for weekly or even monthly house cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Op, what would you say to a friend? You probably wouldn't say anything unless there was an opportunity. If they mentioned someone else was coming over, you might say, "let me help." If they ever say anything re: their place being less clean than they'd like, give them a suggestion or two -- or the name of a cleaning person.

Btw, teaching skills/expectations from childhood means nothing, imo

[Anonymous]

My mother commented on cleanliness of my house every time she visited and it was very detrimental to our relationship. I am obsessive about bathroom cleanliness but she was obsessive about having everything neat and clean enough to pass a white glove test, so the rest of my house never measured up. To this day I am hesitant to have guests over unless things are immaculate (which means I rarely entertain although I enjoy it). Don’t be like my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in your lane. If you wouldn't go to another adult's house and comment on its cleanliness, why would it be ok to go to your adult child's house and comment on its cleanliness?

I wouldn’t ask my friends to babysit for free but my mom does sometimes. She wouldn’t tell her friends the details of my Dad’s decline, but she tells me. It’s not a casual friend relationship.

[Anonymous]

What are some examples of how it’s not cleaned well? Are we talking pee on the toilet rim or water spots in the shower door?

If you were my mother I would just smile and nod and ignore you. You’re welcome to clean it yourself though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Son or daughter?

If son, you may want to gently joke that women will be more impressed if he keeps his house a bit cleaner.

I’d lean this way. They might not realize how funkytown the bathroom is to others.

[Anonymous]

My mother cleans my sister's house for her periodically as a gift. The rest of us gently taunt her. It's not enough to be a health hazard.

[Anonymous]

Nah. It's really not worth it. It will only come off as judgemental.

[Anonymous]

I have to clean the main bathroom at my sister’s house every time I go there. Mildew toilet bowl ring. Urine and poop under the seat. Even had to buy cleaning stuff. She is 48, husband is 45, and her daughter is 8. They are disgusting. But it is what it is. I don’t say anything and clean.

I don’t care about how messy a house is, but bathrooms need to be clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 46 years old and my house still isn't clean enough for my mom. It causes me anxiety. Leave it be.

Me again, and wanted to add you can hire them a house cleaner. I wouldn't say no to my mom paying for weekly or even monthly house cleaning.

Same. My mother cleaned my bathroom exactly once- when I was bedridden from major surgery and she complained after how bad it was. This is the same woman who would insist the housekeeper did not clean my bathroom as a kid so I could “learn” and would make me re clean the bathroom if she thought I didn’t take long enough, regardless of how clean it was. Of course now I am a neat freak out of anxiety - we have very little in the way of a relationship.

She also once visited when my DC was 2 and told me there was not enough clothes in the closet for DC and that I should certainly have more clothes for my child, and told everyone I couldn’t afford clothes. Mind you my DC had 4 drawers full of clothes and liked to get dirty and play.

Yes I have mother issues.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. "Honey, what's going on here? Are you overwhelmed? Can I help you?" My kids have been taught how to clean. If they're not doing it, something's going on with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Son or daughter?

If son, you may want to gently joke that women will be more impressed if he keeps his house a bit cleaner.

[phone]

As a young man I learned that I missed smashing a few co-workers cause my office was a mess. Later after I was already off the market and a little cleaner (establishing better habits to model for my toddler) it was getting thrown at me. Anyway motivate your son the proper way.