Beautiful women, do you look down on ugly women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are these printed leggings everyone is talking about?

I’m not sure, maybe fabletics? The matching sets kind? Not like anyone is wearing LuLaRoe anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never, ever judge someone for acne or their complexion. People who have never experienced it have no idea. If it was some simple fix, there wouldn’t be a billion dollar industry of products to combat it.

Exactly. And such a weird call out in this post.

It’s funny bc I have really imperfect skin but literally EVERYONE everyone tells me they don’t believe me bc I am super good at make up. I don’t have like tons of acne but I def get some serious zits now and then.

I really don’t notice people’s skin imperfections unless they are severe and then I just feel bad for them (bc I know how it can feel). People with naturally super perfect skin though I do notice bc DAMNNNN they got lucky. And that’s all it is - pure luck.

I think unless your skin is really rough - with some decent make up skills - skin can be made to be clear and even enough that it’s not a huge deal breaker. I honestly think most women do look better with some face make-up, including some blush/color, so covering a blemish here and there doesn’t change all that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the things you described are mostly within someone's control, like fat, blemished complexions, badly dyed hair and bad outfits. TBH, I tend to judge people a little for those things, but when I find myself doing it, I try to control my thoughts. Especially since having children, I feel a lot of empathy for women who are trying to juggle mothering and work.

I only judge if they are smug about it. I know people like this. Of course I don’t judge if someone is overweight because of medical issues, but some are fat because they enjoy drinking and eating out and indulgence more than staying fit. Or they wear cheap clothes because they think they are more real or less pretentious. Or they have a bad haircut because they want to seem low maintenance. They criticize others who do care about their looks as shallow, snobbish, or whatever.

Some of us just have bad haircuts, ok? It’s not because we want to seem low maintenance. How strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I didn't, but today I was at an event at my kid's school and god I hated seeing what the other parents looked like. But I am not from the US and am still not really used to the way people dress here. Like those weirdly printed leggings are not meant to be filled with your thick thighs baby, they're meant for a teenager. And I understand that we can't all buy expensive clothes (I can't either) but I can't understand how people can choose such tacky clothes.

Ah, no DCUM thread is complete without the superior European perspective....thank you for gracing us.

Im American and I judge grown women in tacky printed leggings at public functions too. I wouldn’t even wear that crap around the house. Perhaps if I saw you in the grocery store and your cart was filled with pepto, chicken broth, bananas, and applesauce, I’d give you a sympathy pass

+1. I feel like if someone is putting on clothes in attempt to look good, and I know some of those leggings cost enough to make a decision to pick them and wear them, I am not going to feel bad for thinking to myself that they most certainly do not look good.

It's one thing to judge someone on something they can't control (and I know "control" is debatable). But I feel entitled to judge one person's aesthetic if they're participating in the world with their own opinions.

Meh. A mom friend of mine is one of those overweight women in printed leggings, and she’s a really lovely person. She’s a hell of a lot better than many of the better-put-together moms I know.

Pp here and I get it. I probably shouldn't have replied to this thread with my original comment because I lost sight of the original question. I don't look down on someone who chooses to wear the leggings or whatever - I wouldn't assume they were inferior humane or lacked kindness. I just might judge the aesthetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know the wrong women. Anyone who's a snot about their own looks isn't worth knowing.

This. Who are these people???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not beautiful but I have a pretty face and know how to present myself well. And no, absolutely not, I don't look down on anyone because of their looks. I grew up middle class and sometimes poor and I didn't learn how to look good until I was in my 20s. I had awful acne in my teens and into my 20s, which I have since learned is absolutely tied to stress for me (and feeling financially insecure and unattractive were sources of stress). I also had a deeply insecure mother who often told me I wasn't attractive (which is also how she saw herself). So I had no confidence, terrible posture, had no idea how to dress. It took me a long time to figure all this out.

If you want tips on addressing acne and breakouts, I have them. Everyone's skin is different, but I will say that I managed to get to clear skin without having to pay for expensive prescriptions (I mean, at one point I did, but the ultimate solution lay elsewhere) or do anything drastic.

I also had to figure out my hair, which is now one of my assets but for years was limp and hard to manage and took a lot of work to make look good.

I will say the one thing I've always had going for me is that I'm naturally thin. But everyone has something. Everyone. There is no one who doesn't have at least one enviable feature, whether it's great hair with lots of natural volume, or beautiful eyes, or height or long legs or whatever. There is something beautiful in everyone, I really believe it. And it can require privilege to bring it out.

So no, I never look down on a less attractive women because I know what it is to go through life not knowing how to put your best foot forward, and I know often appearance is beyond your control.

I do judge women who are arrogant about their looks or who only befriend other women if they look a certain way. I also judge women who, like me, got more attractive later in life and who then believe this is an excuse to treat less attractive women poorly. I had a friend like this once and it hurt my heart because I knew her behavior stemmed from her own insecurity and her belief that it was her "turn" to be a queen bee. It was sad.

PP, pls give us your acne and hair tips. I can't be the only who could use them. Thanks!

Ok, I know this isn't ground breaking, but these are the things that changed my skin and hair definitively:

Skin

After years of trying every prescription under the sun, I went cold turkey and quit all medication. For about a year, my skin was a mess. But the other thing I did around the same time was stop wearing foundation, powder, etc. I adopted an extremely simple routine -- cleanse once a day with a very gentle cleanser, then a calming skin treatment (I used to use Aveda Out of Trouble, which I still love, but have used a variety of toners and serums over the years including ingredients like witch hazel, cicapair, CBD), then my acne treatment, an OTC salicylic acid treatment. That's it. In the morning I rinsed with water, moisturized, and added SPF. For makeup I wore ONLY a cc cream (favorites include Clinque, Dr. Jarts, Laura Mercier) -- no cover up, no powder. I just accepted that my face was red and inflamed (though less so since my skin treatment was minimal and focused on shrinking zits and calming my skin.

After about a year, my skin found an equilibrium and the bad breakouts stopped. I kept up with a simple routine and minimal makeup. Over the years I invest more in moisturizing (I'm older) and have become fond of bakuchinol, which is a retinol alternative that is good for sensitive skin and doesn't make you sun sensitive (two things that are huge acne triggers for me). I've learned not to overreact to small breakouts, and I don't change my routine when I get them. They go away quickly and never get red or inflamed like they used to. In the last 10 years, I've gotten one of those big, under-the-skin zits maybe 3 times? And each time I stuck with my routine and it never spread and went away. An interesting thing I've learned is that Abreva (which is a treatment for cold sores) will get rid of these. No idea why. I do hold onto a little tube of Abreva in case one pops up. On occasion I've had large zits shrunk by a term, but I can't remember the last time this was necessary. maybe 7 years ago? Keep it simple, calm your skin, use basic treatment for the acne, moisturize and protect your skin from the sun. Those are my rules.

Hair

I've become a total convert on embracing natural texture. I have loosely wavy hair, which I used to hate because it's not super wavy/curly, but also not straight. It poofs/frizzes easily, but because it's not thick and not really curly, I don't have the benefit of lots of natural volume. So for a long time, I used a ton of heat on my hair -- blowouts, straightening irons, curling irons, rollers, those combo brush dryers, you name it. I could make my hair look smooth and shiny in the moment, but it looked terrible after sleeping on it, and it looked awful if I washed and didn't style. I also colored it a lot because I was addicted to the way my hair looked when freshly colored (shiny, bright) but this led to more dullness over time, especially combined with so much heat.

I went cold turkey on heat styling, started washing less (every other day), and use products for protecting wavy hair and giving some hold to the waves. My hair is still somewhat flat, but is shiny and healthy with pretty waves, all without any heat. It doesn't look as good the second day, but good enough. I started getting it dry cut by someone who specializes in textured hair, and it helps a ton. It now looks kind of tousled and "done" with virtually no effort. Like last night I wore it up in a bun to bed, and this morning I took it down and just kind of finger combed it out, and then did nothing else. Magically, my hair looks better now than it did when I woke up this morning, because it's well moisturized and is allowed to relax into its natural waves. I could go out to dinner tonight and not even have to touch it beyond maybe running comb through it.

I still color my hair, but less frequently and I just do a very light lift of my natural color. Because it's so healthy and naturally shiny now, it's mostly just to blend out my grays. And honestly, I don't even mind my grays at this point because my hair looks good enough that I can see myself just embracing gray over the next decade or so and still feeling pretty good about my hair. It's no longer frizzy and split and I don't spend half my life with it in a messy ponytail just because I didn't have time to style. Grays aren't as big of a deal when your hair is healthy and you have a good cut, I've realized.

All in all, I've learned less is more, sometimes you just have to accept certain things (a zit, some gray hair, the fact that you will never have perfect skin or hair) and you can look A LOT better. I'm not a super model, but I get compliments on my skin and hair and, more importantly, I feel pretty good about myself when I leave the house. And back when my skin was really bad, I often avoided leaving the house just to avoid people seeing me mid-breakout. So I'm pretty happy with where I wound up.

If you are in the DMV area can you list your stylist cuz I have very similar hair.

I also experienced the very same thing with acne and going cold turkey on products as well as no makeup, no makeup was honestly the number one biggest thing that changed my skin.
I only use trader Joe's gentle cleanser, marula oil, and tinted SPF plus lash curler and brow brush. That's it 99.9% of the day.

Not in the DC area but when I lived there I recall Fiddleheads being great for all kinds of textured hair— they dry cut and they never use texturizing sheers. Shudder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP, for the hair and acne advice. What specific products do you recommend for hair? My hair sounds very similar too.

Right now I use the at Trader Joe’s Tea Tree Tingle shampoo and conditioner. I got the recommendation from a list of “curly girl” products and like it. For a wave enhancer/moisturizer, i currently use NatureLab’s Perfect Texture wave cream. I avoid the curling gels or anything that produces a lot of crunch— they give me more hold but weigh my hair down too much and build up too quickly. My hair is highly porous so build up is an issue. I use Neutogena clarifying shampoo once or twice a month to deal with build up.

I’ve also found that washing my hair in the evening and letting it air dry, then putting hair in a loose bun overnight, gives me good texture with minimal work, and solves the problem of my hair taking a long time to air dry. No heat for me includes diffusers (though I will use one for a special occasion or if traveling for work) and my hair looks best day-to-day if I can commit to air drying.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this has been mentioned before I never look down on people but I do feel sorry for them. Most image issues can be fixed through grooming and styling. And their lives will be somewhat easier. Their social interactions nicer. We're an image obsessed society and I feel sorry when people cannot access that

[Anonymous]

I think you’re confusing beautiful women with toxically feminine women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know the wrong women. Anyone who's a snot about their own looks isn't worth knowing.

This. Who are these people???

Obviously no one says these things out loud, but just know a lot of people think them.

[Anonymous]

I am not a beautiful or a wealthy woman, but I eat a healthy diet, exercise 6 days a week, see a dermatologist off and on to control blemishes (which is covered by insurance), spend a little time and money on my hair, and I usually seek the help of a stylist with my wardrobe about once a year. I have plenty of friends who don’t care, and that’s fine, but because I try hard to live a healthy lifestyle and I’m generally proud of the results, I do judge women whose appearance suggests they don’t care. These are my own thoughts, of course. I’d never speak them out loud.

[Anonymous]

No - and I’m never unkind to anyone because of how they look.

but I don’t like people who do not know me but scowl and are unfriendly to me after giving me the once over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No - and I’m never unkind to anyone because of how they look.

but I don’t like people who do not know me but scowl and are unfriendly to me after giving me the once over.

To clarify - I have been told many times I am considered beautiful but I never assume everyone finds me beautiful. I like how I look but I don’t go around looking at people and judging them by their looks or comparing their looks against mine. I am secure.

I dont’ think anyone is ugly based on appearance, only on behavior. And there are a lot of physically attractive people who are ugly and a lot of plainer-looking folks who are beautiful

[Anonymous]

What exactly bothers you about women who “don’t care”? Why does it irk you that their priorities lie elsewhere or perhaps they and even their husband think they beautiful without fancy clothes or makeup or stylish haircuts? I was exceedingly happy with my husband and life and we camped and traveled went to music festivals and laughed and danced and were in love. It was amazing and I felt incredible without being skinny and well dressed and focused on my looks. Sadly he passed away, but it was wonderful. I don’t think everyone has the same priorities as you, and it isn’t about not caring or being a “slob.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the things you described are mostly within someone's control, like fat, blemished complexions, badly dyed hair and bad outfits. TBH, I tend to judge people a little for those things, but when I find myself doing it, I try to control my thoughts. Especially since having children, I feel a lot of empathy for women who are trying to juggle mothering and work.

Fat: no, genetics and PCOS could be causing the issue. You don't know unless you've rude enough to ask.

Blemished complexions: They can't afford facials. They've got unfortunate genetics. Unless you're rude enough to ask, once again, you don't know.

Badly dyed hair and bad outfits: Not everyone's rich.

Work on that empathy, lady.

Well, I do sometimes judge women who are overweight and blame their weight issues entirely on PCOS since I have PCOS and have managed to stay thin. But for the most part I really don't care what people do with their own bodies nor do I judge them for it. I just don't like the insinuation that it is impossible to stay thin with PCOS because it's not true.

I get it. I judge women who are overweight and blame it on hypothyroid or simjilar. I've had that since I was a preteen, and have never been overweight.