Thank you, DCUM: parents and ILs weird with food

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these people that limit food? I don’t think I am sheltered, but I don’t know anyone like this.

My MIL was like this, whereas my mom tries to get guests to eat constantly throughout the day and night.

Could be a cultural thing. MIL grew up rural, farmers, Midwesterner, grew and raised most of their own food. My mom grew up in a city, community of European immigrants. My dad says her relatives have always been like that. Both MIL and my own mom grew up pretty poor.

No I don’t think it’s a rural or city thing as plenty of women from both types of backgrounds do this. I think it’s a generational thing. Many of these women grew up with crash diets, smoking and restricting food during pregnancy, and Twiggy and Audrey Hepburn as ideals.

Child of immigrants here. Most European cultures have high expectations for feeding guests. The idea of someone being hungry in your home is the worst of the worst. We did not have much growing up but if people came there was plenty of food on the table always.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the Kitchen being open or closed. I guess it is always open in our house. Sometimes my 16 year old teenager will make a midnight snack

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these people that limit food? I don’t think I am sheltered, but I don’t know anyone like this.

My MIL was like this, whereas my mom tries to get guests to eat constantly throughout the day and night.

Could be a cultural thing. MIL grew up rural, farmers, Midwesterner, grew and raised most of their own food. My mom grew up in a city, community of European immigrants. My dad says her relatives have always been like that. Both MIL and my own mom grew up pretty poor.

No I don’t think it’s a rural or city thing as plenty of women from both types of backgrounds do this. I think it’s a generational thing. Many of these women grew up with crash diets, smoking and restricting food during pregnancy, and Twiggy and Audrey Hepburn as ideals.

Child of immigrants here. Most European cultures have high expectations for feeding guests. The idea of someone being hungry in your home is the worst of the worst. We did not have much growing up but if people came there was plenty of food on the table always.

Seriously. If my grandmother thought that anyone left her table less than uncomfortably stuffed, she would, I dunno, go immediately go confession or maybe just throw herself off the bell tower of the Mary Queen of Poland Catholic Church. If a grandchild or pregnant woman went hungry the shame would be unbearable, she would probably convert to being a Methodist and change her name like it was the witness protection program to avoid the judgment of the other grannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the Kitchen being open or closed. I guess it is always open in our house. Sometimes my 16 year old teenager will make a midnight snack

I “understand” bigamy, even though I don’t practice it.

People Are Different From You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get the complaints about inlaws not "serving" you lunch. Cant you just open the frog and get something out? I wouldn't expect to be served multiple meals at someones house.

I don’t think you understand the dynamic with these older people. You can’t just open the fridge without horribly offending them and causing a family row. Nor can you bring the food. Which is why that one poster has to fake that she won the Harry and David gift basket.

I don't get this. Yes you can. Your spouse was their child. They grew up in that house opening the refrigerator and making themselves food when hungry when parents weren't cooking. But now as an adult they are too afraid to open the frig? Grow a backbone. This is insane.

I can open the fridge at my ILs all I want. It isn’t going to magically make food appear. We learned the lesson of their weird food issues the hard way after a cross country flight and then a 1.5 hour drive to their house to find that there was no food because lunch was over and they hadn’t gone to the grocery store yet for the exact ingredients for dinner. It had never previously been an issue so we were not anticipating it but we’re anticipating having a late lunch at our 1pm arrival.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, for some reason, many women as they grow older and eat less, whether due to decreased appetite or dieting for weight or health, forget that other people, especially younger adults and teens eat a lot more. And due to their own food anxieties, whether it is cost, time invested in shopping, prepping, cooking or just weight/health concerns, they find that people who eat differently than them are making bad choices or condemning them for their diet.

The best thread on this feeding anxiety, was not about in-laws per se, but a mother who said she was having trouble keeping her family (two adults, two teen boy athletes, an 8 year old and a 3 year old) fed. She was surprised that one package of 10 drumsticks or one rack of ribs wasn't enough to feed her family.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/465595.page#6825369

And one respondent hit it on the head with one of my favorite DCUM quotes:

It seems like you are feeding your family like a family of dieting middle age women rather than a family of an adult male and two teen athletes plus 2 other children.

Oh I LOVED the thread. It was great. I think about that poster sometimes.

[Anonymous]

No I don’t think it’s a rural or city thing as plenty of women from both types of backgrounds do this. I think it’s a generational thing. Many of these women grew up with crash diets, smoking and restricting food during pregnancy, and Twiggy and Audrey Hepburn as ideals.

Generally, but I know a lady like this and she is only 43. She is so restrictive of food for her kids, and even her kids' friends if they are visiting.
She has major food and anxiety issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No I don’t think it’s a rural or city thing as plenty of women from both types of backgrounds do this. I think it’s a generational thing. Many of these women grew up with crash diets, smoking and restricting food during pregnancy, and Twiggy and Audrey Hepburn as ideals.

Generally, but I know a lady like this and she is only 43. She is so restrictive of food for her kids, and even her kids' friends if they are visiting.
She has major food and anxiety issues.

That stinks for her kids. I had a friend whose mom was like this and the daughter would binge cookies at other people’s houses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these people that limit food? I don’t think I am sheltered, but I don’t know anyone like this.

My MIL was like this, whereas my mom tries to get guests to eat constantly throughout the day and night.

Could be a cultural thing. MIL grew up rural, farmers, Midwesterner, grew and raised most of their own food. My mom grew up in a city, community of European immigrants. My dad says her relatives have always been like that. Both MIL and my own mom grew up pretty poor.

No I don’t think it’s a rural or city thing as plenty of women from both types of backgrounds do this. I think it’s a generational thing. Many of these women grew up with crash diets, smoking and restricting food during pregnancy, and Twiggy and Audrey Hepburn as ideals.

Child of immigrants here. Most European cultures have high expectations for feeding guests. The idea of someone being hungry in your home is the worst of the worst. We did not have much growing up but if people came there was plenty of food on the table always.

Seriously. If my grandmother thought that anyone left her table less than uncomfortably stuffed, she would, I dunno, go immediately go confession or maybe just throw herself off the bell tower of the Mary Queen of Poland Catholic Church. If a grandchild or pregnant woman went hungry the shame would be unbearable, she would probably convert to being a Methodist and change her name like it was the witness protection program to avoid the judgment of the other grannies.

Lol, I'm the pp who said maybe it's cultural. Grandma was a Catholic Polish immigrant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get the complaints about inlaws not "serving" you lunch. Cant you just open the frog and get something out? I wouldn't expect to be served multiple meals at someones house.

I don’t think you understand the dynamic with these older people. You can’t just open the fridge without horribly offending them and causing a family row. Nor can you bring the food. Which is why that one poster has to fake that she won the Harry and David gift basket.

I don't get this. Yes you can. Your spouse was their child. They grew up in that house opening the refrigerator and making themselves food when hungry when parents weren't cooking. But now as an adult they are too afraid to open the frig? Grow a backbone. This is insane.

I can open the fridge at my ILs all I want. It isn’t going to magically make food appear. We learned the lesson of their weird food issues the hard way after a cross country flight and then a 1.5 hour drive to their house to find that there was no food because lunch was over and they hadn’t gone to the grocery store yet for the exact ingredients for dinner. It had never previously been an issue so we were not anticipating it but we’re anticipating having a late lunch at our 1pm arrival.

I guess those of us who are having trouble understanding how this works would just go to the store to stock up, or go out to eat, or both. I mean, it might be a problem on day one, but then we’d figure out how to solve it. There were people posting who had gone for days grumbling about the food situation but not fixing it because someone might get mad. THAT’s just crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned from dcum to take breaks while my MIL visits or I’m staying in my parents’ home.

I have perfected the art of going to bed early, working late, getting called into work last-minute, participating in an online mtg - all to either leave or gain some precious solo time, real or imagined.

I've done this and snuck the shopping bags into the house after dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get the complaints about inlaws not "serving" you lunch. Cant you just open the frog and get something out? I wouldn't expect to be served multiple meals at someones house.

I don’t think you understand the dynamic with these older people. You can’t just open the fridge without horribly offending them and causing a family row. Nor can you bring the food. Which is why that one poster has to fake that she won the Harry and David gift basket.

I don't get this. Yes you can. Your spouse was their child. They grew up in that house opening the refrigerator and making themselves food when hungry when parents weren't cooking. But now as an adult they are too afraid to open the frig? Grow a backbone. This is insane.

I can open the fridge at my ILs all I want. It isn’t going to magically make food appear. We learned the lesson of their weird food issues the hard way after a cross country flight and then a 1.5 hour drive to their house to find that there was no food because lunch was over and they hadn’t gone to the grocery store yet for the exact ingredients for dinner. It had never previously been an issue so we were not anticipating it but we’re anticipating having a late lunch at our 1pm arrival.

This is why we always eat a big meal before going to our in laws’ or my parents’ houses. If we’re flying in, we might eat at the airport before they pick us up. If we’re driving, we stop to eat in their town before going to their house. And we go to the grocery store either before going to their house or within a couple hours of arrival. They can comment all they want about how much we’re eating. I don’t care. I refuse to be hungry or have my kids be hungry due to their weird food issues. I used to keep non perishable snacks hidden in our guest room to avoid their comments/judgment but now we just eat out in the open and deal w it—I’m not going to hide away secretly feeding my kids granola bars anymore. It’s not good for the kids to get that messaging that eating is bad.

When my in laws visit us they comment constantly about “wow this is a big meal” when it’s 4 oz piece of fish with some vegetables on the side. And the next day they’ll say they’re still full from that big meal last night and don’t want breakfast. It used to make me feel bad about myself even though I’m thin and my spouse and kids are also thin. Now I just realize they’re the ones w a problem not me.

[Anonymous]

I tried to make pb toast for my starving toddler who wakes at 5:30am while we waited for the rest of the household to wander in for a promised “big brunch.” The only bread available was artisan rye and the only peanut butter was chunky, separated, and stored in the refrigerator so it couldn’t be mixed easily or spread. Guess the chances my kid would even eat that sort of snack?

I bring my own groceries now but it’s infuriating to have to pack milk and bread and peanut butter etc. We don’t eat strangely but they are incapable as hosts to provide us with normal food at normal times.

On the flip side, my mil packs all the food she plan to eat when she visits us, even for the day. I’m talking l, tiny containers of milk for her coffee and slices of cold cuts and pickles for her lunches. A baggie with exactly one cookie so she can break it apart and share one piece each with the grand kids. They get so confused and disappointed when she tells them she brought a treat for after their lunches and it’s just a sliver of grocery story tollhouse cookie each. I could go on and on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these people that limit food? I don’t think I am sheltered, but I don’t know anyone like this.

You must understand that the appliances have a sheen, a sheen, you see, and the vile fingerprints are disgusting. Don't even get me started on the crumbs! I have a tidy kitchen, and it closes at 7:53am. That's plenty of time to get your food in for the day. If your gross gaping maws have to be crammed full of bestial ug gross food all day, you can take a thin wedge of pear and eat it on the back steps.

Of course, the wrong side of the family waddles on down to the Burger King down the street for this "lunch" business, but we don't speak of that in polite, refined, emaciated company.

(I wish I were joking. Google "DCUM" and "Burger King Lady.")

Are you characterizing my MIL? "Lunch" is a gross, weak, trashy thing that poors and people with no self-discipline indulge in.

[Anonymous]

The kitchen closed thing has to do with tidiness. After dinner my old relatives sweep the floor, wipe down the counters, get coffee maker ready for the morning, put away dishes. They can't handle someone messing it all up. Those of us with little kids are so used to a mess that we don't think about it. Also when they visit me they bring their own food which is always something funny like a single hardboiled egg and some Ritz crackers. As if I couldn't hardboil an egg for them.