Do you think most people in their 40s are unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we stop living. We work and parent, work and parent. No fun, no adventures, no new friendships. It takes its toll.

You forgot the pandemic. When you work and parent, work and parent in solitude during the lockdown arrgh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

Mine turned into a sex addict. There was no going back unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

I (woman) am in the throes of a midlife crisis. Currently seeing a therapist and couples therapist. It doesn’t feel like an alien… it feels more like being fed up with all the shit I put up with for years and I want to burn it all down…

What have you put up with? Like unequal work in the house?

I am PP… I know I’ll be judged here but it’s not super dramatic, not dealing with addiction or mental illness. Kind of just deep resentment of DH from things that never got set right earlier in the marriage, carrying the emotional labor load in our family this whole time, then traumas and things I’m grieving personally over the past couple years (in addition to pandemic stress). I’m burnt out and no one can help me and DH doesn’t have the emotional capacity to support me and I’m just putting myself for the first time… perhaps it looks like I’m an alien but this is what it feels like to me on the inside.

You have depression. You need to see someone. Unfortunately it’s totally understandable that another person does not want to take over your life as well as theirs in order for you to spend several years finding yourself. You were immature and didn’t speak up. Work through that. Work through the depression and stop playing victim and you might get somewhere and actually see the light.

[Anonymous]

“All you touch, and all you see, is all your life will ever be.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

Mine turned into a sex addict. There was no going back unfortunately.

So did your ex snap out of it or is he still in his mid life phase (sex addict)?

[Anonymous]

40s are rough. When I talk to fellow parents in their 40s, they are so damn boring I can’t stand it. I’m sure they are thinking the same thing about me.

You know life used to be interesting and adventurous, but in your 40s, it all slips away because you become a slave to work, parenting and monogamy. This is why so many men snap and have a midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

Many marriages hit a wall at the 15 year mark
. Lots of stress, people bring their worst around their spouse and many couples stop having good sex or sex at all

Cue the affairs.

If there was an easy answer, people would take it. Monogamy is super hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

I (woman) am in the throes of a midlife crisis. Currently seeing a therapist and couples therapist. It doesn’t feel like an alien… it feels more like being fed up with all the shit I put up with for years and I want to burn it all down…

What have you put up with? Like unequal work in the house?

I am PP… I know I’ll be judged here but it’s not super dramatic, not dealing with addiction or mental illness. Kind of just deep resentment of DH from things that never got set right earlier in the marriage, carrying the emotional labor load in our family this whole time, then traumas and things I’m grieving personally over the past couple years (in addition to pandemic stress). I’m burnt out and no one can help me and DH doesn’t have the emotional capacity to support me and I’m just putting myself for the first time… perhaps it looks like I’m an alien but this is what it feels like to me on the inside.

You have depression. You need to see someone. Unfortunately it’s totally understandable that another person does not want to take over your life as well as theirs in order for you to spend several years finding yourself. You were immature and didn’t speak up. Work through that. Work through the depression and stop playing victim and you might get somewhere and actually see the light.

Thanks for your support but you can’t read… am seeing a therapist and also couples counselor multiple times a week, staying mentally healthy is a part time job at the moment. You have no idea what has happened in the past couple years for me

[Anonymous]

Yes. More than ennui, existential crisis. I had the affair, rocked my career, bought the crap I didn’t need, and the morning coffee and toast routine are Groundhog Day. I have lost joy. I love my family, but I’m no longer excited about literally anything. Life is so routine and mundane. I’m clearly in a funk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had more fun in my 40s than I ever could have imagined. I divorced at 42, my kids were grown.

Grown kids at 42? You must be country not from dc

I am not country (?) but I was born and raised in Arlington (22207) and lived in the DC area most of my life. You must like to stereotype people, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had more fun in my 40s than I ever could have imagined. I divorced at 42, my kids were grown.

Grown kids at 42? You must be country not from dc

I am not country (?) but I was born and raised in Arlington (22207) and lived in the DC area most of my life. You must like to stereotype people, right?

Good for you! The person who insulted you is just jealous that you are still very young and free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

I (woman) am in the throes of a midlife crisis. Currently seeing a therapist and couples therapist. It doesn’t feel like an alien… it feels more like being fed up with all the shit I put up with for years and I want to burn it all down…

What have you put up with? Like unequal work in the house?

I am PP… I know I’ll be judged here but it’s not super dramatic, not dealing with addiction or mental illness. Kind of just deep resentment of DH from things that never got set right earlier in the marriage, carrying the emotional labor load in our family this whole time, then traumas and things I’m grieving personally over the past couple years (in addition to pandemic stress). I’m burnt out and no one can help me and DH doesn’t have the emotional capacity to support me and I’m just putting myself for the first time… perhaps it looks like I’m an alien but this is what it feels like to me on the inside.

You have depression. You need to see someone. Unfortunately it’s totally understandable that another person does not want to take over your life as well as theirs in order for you to spend several years finding yourself. You were immature and didn’t speak up. Work through that. Work through the depression and stop playing victim and you might get somewhere and actually see the light.

Thanks for your support but you can’t read… am seeing a therapist and also couples counselor multiple times a week, staying mentally healthy is a part time job at the moment. You have no idea what has happened in the past couple years for me

One of my big DCUM pet peeves is when someone posts about struggling with mental health, mentions they are working on it in therapy, and is then told to “get help” or “stop playing the victim.” I don’t know what people think happens in therapy but it’s not a button you push that fixes all your problems instantly. The PP above needs to work on both their reading skills and empathy.

Anyway, glad you are getting support PP. I think what you describe is really common for women in our 40s because we get told for decades that we have to compromise our own happiness for others and then when we sit up and say “I’m unhappy” we get people like the PP telling us that this, too, is our own fault. We are accountable to everyone and no one is accountable to us. It’s hard. There’s also a hormonal shift for women in our 40s that can impact this. But you’ll get through it! I think it’s pretty normal.