Do you think most people in their 40s are unhappy?

[Anonymous]

No, I don't think most people. BUT...

For many of us...kids in tween/teen years with big kid problems, in highly responsible "big" jobs, also caring for aging parents. It can be a lot.

Things that keep me personally happy despite all of above:

-A solid group of friends
-A spouse I like who is an equal partner in all things
-Planned vacation and travel
-A therapist (ha)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we stop living. We work and parent, work and parent. No fun, no adventures, no new friendships. It takes its toll.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we stop living. We work and parent, work and parent. No fun, no adventures, no new friendships. It takes its toll.

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This seems easy to change. I think my husband and I mostly enjoyed our 40s although they were complicated by one kid with profound special needs and one with cancer. We had one rough 18 month period where I felt our workload balance was inequitable. But we got through that and are generally happy.

But we also travel a lot and make new friends pretty easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we stop living. We work and parent, work and parent. No fun, no adventures, no new friendships. It takes its toll.

this

I think if you considered the immense privilege reflected in your statement, you might be able to shift your perspective. Talk about modern industrial capitalism making us miserable. There’s always someone having more fun than us.

I am totally in favor of a reduced work week for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the 40s are a pretty big turning point for a lot of people - if you are financially secure and settled, you may start to notice cracks in other parts of your life. If you haven’t accomplished what you think you “should” have, you may feel as though you’ll never catch up… I do think many people go through some sort of identity crisis around their 40s - which could be triggered by all sorts of things. How people deal with that is the true test.

For me personally - happily married, young kids, financially secure, happy in my professional life - I LOVE my 40s. I finally feel like I have the time and energy to focus on things I love and to be really engaged with my kids and husband. I think a huge part of this is just letting go of what other people think and all the “should”s in my life. I feel totally confident in being who I am now, and am absolutely loving it.

BUT I did go through a bit of a crisis point at the beginning of my 40s when I felt really overwhelmed by the pressures of being a working mom with young kids and not having enough time to be a full person. I did some therapy and worked on some tools to push through.

I feel a lot of this. But I think the pandemic has been rough on a lot of people, particularly mid career with young kids as people in their 40s tend to be. I’ll be a lot happier once this is over!

[Anonymous]

Late 30s around 15 yrs married I was MISERABLE. In 40s, 20 yrs married I am very happy. I think I had a couple years struggle from hormones (messed up periods), autoimmune issues and bad mental health. Every day feels so light compared to those heavy years and I could not have predicted this relief and well being back then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very happy but I did not have kids. Everything i read about satif

Argh! Everything i have read about satisfaction at this age is that it gets better for folks after they get out of the thick of the kid years.

https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Curve-Life-Better-After/dp/1250078806

This. Happiness curve is seen across cultures and I can tell you from my experience that it does get better. 40’s are tough for many reasons because of all of the life pressures (job, kids, home, relationships), and most importantly the uncertainty around where your life is going and if you are on track. In 50’s, you have a better idea of where things are going and that lowers stress.

[Anonymous]

More free time.


More…options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Men from about 40-55 are damaged, mortality-facing assholes. Around 55 they come to their senses (or their dicks stop working) and they are happy to be in a committed relationship.

Agreed. Midlife crisis. My ex was going through this while I was writing about how this was the easiest most fun time of my life. I don't understand it. We had made it work-wise, paid off the house almost, had many friends, kids were doing well. I don't understand midlife crisis. It's like they are finally done with the work and instead of coasting for 10 years and enjoying the fruits of their labor they self-sabotage.

+100
Same.

Thankfully he snapped out if it and dud the work and is so grateful now. He became an entitled selfish critical a-hole in his mid-late 40s. 50 now with high school age kids and marriage and relationship is better than ever.

I see so many that never “change back” or create way too much damage to get it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I are in our mid 40s, been married for almost 15 years, have 3 kids and financially secure. We should be happy and satisfied but we just aren’t.

Every single person that I know well is having relationship problems. Some are divorced or divorcing. Others just unhappily married.

Is is a midlife crisis? I don’t know.

Hang in there and don't worry about how you
"should" feel. Pandemic times have been tough for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Men from about 40-55 are damaged, mortality-facing assholes. Around 55 they come to their senses (or their dicks stop working) and they are happy to be in a committed relationship.

Agreed. Midlife crisis. My ex was going through this while I was writing about how this was the easiest most fun time of my life. I don't understand it. We had made it work-wise, paid off the house almost, had many friends, kids were doing well. I don't understand midlife crisis. It's like they are finally done with the work and instead of coasting for 10 years and enjoying the fruits of their labor they self-sabotage.

+100
Same.

Thankfully he snapped out if it and dud the work and is so grateful now. He became an entitled selfish critical a-hole in his mid-late 40s. 50 now with high school age kids and marriage and relationship is better than ever.

I see so many that never “change back” or create way too much damage to get it back.

+1. He tried to escape himself and life and just found he was even more miserable, spiraled down hard. Therapy for the first time ever in his life had him confront the demons and dysfunction and poor coping skills from childhood.

[Anonymous]

I definitely feel like pandemic parenting of small children has been a big hit to my happiness in my 40s. BTDT with taking care of elderly parents, but things are better now that that's over.

It seems like lots of people are partially unhappy due to marital issues. I don't have that problem, since I'm a single parent by choice and never married. In a way, I'm happier in my 40s, because no one expects me to date or find a partner or marry. I was really depressed for about 20 years (late teens to late 30s) over not finding anyone who I thought would be a good life partner (and who felt the same about me). But now? I got the kids I wanted (which was the only reason I wanted to get married anyway), and most of my married friends just complain about their spouses nonstop, or are divorced, or getting divorced, etc. They think I'm the lucky one to not have some whining man-baby to deal with. I agree-- it's actually kind of great!

[Anonymous]

You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

[Anonymous]

I’m at the bottom of the curve, teenager issues wear me down and provide hours of anxiety and perseveration. Friendships and other relationships beyond my wife have helped keep my happiness quotient above suicidal but those get complicated too. Big changes coming, I’m gonna be happy.

[Anonymous]

It’s disturbing to watch 40-50 year old people acting like 16-year olds and only thinking of themselves when they have kids and a spouse. Some learned this from their shitty selfish parents.