What sustains a marriage more -- good sex life or good friendship?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]My sex life is amazing but I would trade that for a deeper friendship with my wife....said no man ever.

It's ok, the sexes are different on this one. For 98% of men, sex is the connection[/quote]

Some women too. I am in my 40s with a high libido, it’s on my mind most of the time. If my husband and I could hardly connect on that level it would feel pretty empty. Of course other things are important too. But if you don’t have that spark then why not find another arrangement?

[Anonymous]

I was foolish to marry someone with whom
I am not sexual compatible. We are a good child rearing unit, partners etc but I sometimes wonder if we will be empty nesters having affairs. I would be ok with that, possibly. On the other hand sex has dwindled in importance for me. Not sure because I am older or in response to our lackluster situation. Fwiw I’m female and historically far more adventurous than dh (more experienced but also more open and comfort with various expressions of desire) but years of same ol, not being comfortable with sexuality in general has kind of dulled it for me. He just never wants to talk, to flirt, to role play, to experiment, to keep sex as a constant burning flame. It’s more like twice a month lights out exactly the same every time.

[Anonymous]

Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. Both are important to me. I’m not sexually attracted to someone I don’t have an intimate connection to, and can’t enjoy sex without that, but in a relationship with that intimate connection I love sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not interested in sex anymore after 2 kids and reaching my 40s. Look, I no longer have the body I did in my 20s, OK? And I work FT. Plus he has aged too. He’s fit but his hairline is receding!(gross). And “it” ceased to be interesting long ago.

Why can’t men just be happy with friendship, kids, career, our house, etc? Why does there still have to be sex? Men are just selfish babies.

My wife would write this, she basically says this.

What's the solution if you still have a strong libido? Divorce seems so drastic.

I know a lot of men deal with this by cheating, or moving on to a 2nd wife. Seems like a hassle.

I am with OP, the friendship only goes so far but to those of us with a strong libido it's definitely the sex that sustains the deep connection.

NP. Would you be ok with maintenance sex? Is that a solution?

This is where it seems like men use sex as an excuse to leave. If your wife tells you that she lives you and is willing to compromise with maintenance sex, men still aren’t happy. This is when it seems like men are just selfish babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not interested in sex anymore after 2 kids and reaching my 40s. Look, I no longer have the body I did in my 20s, OK? And I work FT. Plus he has aged too. He’s fit but his hairline is receding!(gross). And “it” ceased to be interesting long ago.

Why can’t men just be happy with friendship, kids, career, our house, etc? Why does there still have to be sex? Men are just selfish babies.

My wife would write this, she basically says this.

What's the solution if you still have a strong libido? Divorce seems so drastic.

I know a lot of men deal with this by cheating, or moving on to a 2nd wife. Seems like a hassle.

I am with OP, the friendship only goes so far but to those of us with a strong libido it's definitely the sex that sustains the deep connection.

NP. Would you be ok with maintenance sex? Is that a solution?

This is where it seems like men use sex as an excuse to leave. If your wife tells you that she lives you and is willing to compromise with maintenance sex, men still aren’t happy. This is when it seems like men are just selfish babies.

once a week maintenance sex, lovingly engaged in, with the occasional more involved vacation or other occasion better sex would be a perfectly acceptable compromise. I am down to once every 1-2 months, rarely oral, mostly quickies to get it over with. Would you be ok if your husband offered you that? There are many, many men in my shoes which is why I eyeroll when I read people who were cheated on saying "we were still having sex!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not interested in sex anymore after 2 kids and reaching my 40s. Look, I no longer have the body I did in my 20s, OK? And I work FT. Plus he has aged too. He’s fit but his hairline is receding!(gross). And “it” ceased to be interesting long ago.

Why can’t men just be happy with friendship, kids, career, our house, etc? Why does there still have to be sex? Men are just selfish babies.

My wife would write this, she basically says this.

What's the solution if you still have a strong libido? Divorce seems so drastic.

I know a lot of men deal with this by cheating, or moving on to a 2nd wife. Seems like a hassle.

I am with OP, the friendship only goes so far but to those of us with a strong libido it's definitely the sex that sustains the deep connection.

NP. Would you be ok with maintenance sex? Is that a solution?

This is where it seems like men use sex as an excuse to leave. If your wife tells you that she lives you and is willing to compromise with maintenance sex, men still aren’t happy. This is when it seems like men are just selfish babies.

I think for most men the sex is the main point of having a relationship with a woman. If sex was not a factor, most men would not want a strong platonic relationship with a woman. If sec goes in your 40s, the marriage should end if it’s financially feasible. Nobody wants “maintenance sex.” It feels rapey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not interested in sex anymore after 2 kids and reaching my 40s. Look, I no longer have the body I did in my 20s, OK? And I work FT. Plus he has aged too. He’s fit but his hairline is receding!(gross). And “it” ceased to be interesting long ago.

Why can’t men just be happy with friendship, kids, career, our house, etc? Why does there still have to be sex? Men are just selfish babies.

My wife would write this, she basically says this.

What's the solution if you still have a strong libido? Divorce seems so drastic.

I know a lot of men deal with this by cheating, or moving on to a 2nd wife. Seems like a hassle.

I am with OP, the friendship only goes so far but to those of us with a strong libido it's definitely the sex that sustains the deep connection.

NP. Would you be ok with maintenance sex? Is that a solution?

This is where it seems like men use sex as an excuse to leave. If your wife tells you that she lives you and is willing to compromise with maintenance sex, men still aren’t happy. This is when it seems like men are just selfish babies.

If I was a person she found attractive and worthwhile, she'd want to have sex with me. If she has to grit her teeth and force herself into begrudgingly enduring maintenance sex with me, that's just an overly complicated and degrading form of masturbation. There might be women who actually want to have sex with me even if the woman who theoretically loves me most in the world doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ideally you’d have both, to make it last longterm.

There are many times in a marriage that sex takes a back burner. Young kids, health issues, aging… if you don’t have a friendship I think it’s tough to weather those times. But it’s true that if your spouse isn’t ever your lover you will crave that and resent the marriage.

I think our marriage has both but at different times one is stronger than the other. You have to work to maintain both.

This. We may not always have the opportunity (kids around etc.) but as long as we both are flirty and would if we could, it seems to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not interested in sex anymore after 2 kids and reaching my 40s. Look, I no longer have the body I did in my 20s, OK? And I work FT. Plus he has aged too. He’s fit but his hairline is receding!(gross). And “it” ceased to be interesting long ago.

Why can’t men just be happy with friendship, kids, career, our house, etc? Why does there still have to be sex? Men are just selfish babies.

My wife would write this, she basically says this.

What's the solution if you still have a strong libido? Divorce seems so drastic.

I know a lot of men deal with this by cheating, or moving on to a 2nd wife. Seems like a hassle.

I am with OP, the friendship only goes so far but to those of us with a strong libido it's definitely the sex that sustains the deep connection.

NP. Would you be ok with maintenance sex? Is that a solution?

This is where it seems like men use sex as an excuse to leave. If your wife tells you that she lives you and is willing to compromise with maintenance sex, men still aren’t happy. This is when it seems like men are just selfish babies.

once a week maintenance sex, lovingly engaged in, with the occasional more involved vacation or other occasion better sex would be a perfectly acceptable compromise. I am down to once every 1-2 months, rarely oral, mostly quickies to get it over with. Would you be ok if your husband offered you that? There are many, many men in my shoes which is why I eyeroll when I read people who were cheated on saying "we were still having sex!"

You want maintenance sex as long as it’s x+y+Z conditions. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For people who have experienced both types of relationships (physical chemistry driven versus friendship driven), which type would you consider more successful or which did you prefer?

I feel like the common refrain is "the physical side fades, so you need a solid friendship to sustain a marriage long term." For me, I think the opposite has been true.

First husband and I got along great, loved talking and hanging out together, never fought -- but also almost never had sex, and that was a dark cloud over our entire marriage.

My 8-year relationship with my current boyfriend has been very different. It started with lust, and I didn't care that we had little in common because I just thought it would be a short fling. But we never fell out of lust. We also fight much more than my ex-H and I did. We resolve our fights, but it's a bit tumultuous compared to my ex. But damn, the sex tho. It has been a salve that has gotten us through so many hard times.

I'm not suggesting physical chemistry could overcome abuse or mistreatment or intellectual unfulfillment. But assuming a baseline level of compatibility in any relationship, for me, physical chemistry has been more healing and restorative of the woes in this relationship than a deep friendship was in my old relationship.

Same for anyone else?

Sex. If it weren’t so good I wouldn’t like him nearly as much.

[Anonymous]

It’s interesting how many people say that men want sex more than women. I was always the one with the higher libido in my marriage.
It worked out ok because my husband never did turn me down. He said it was easier to let me initiate since when he did, I wasnt always in the mood. But as we were together longer and longer and my attraction eventually faded…nothing he really did…just years and years and people getting older and bodies changing…I stopped initiating and now we never have sex and if feels weird when we try. But we’ve also been together soooo long and work so well together as partners, it’s hard to imagine not having him to rely on, and we’ve certainly talked about it, and he seems to feel the same way. And, no. He’s not gay. It’s just that not all guys are super horny all the time. I think ultimately we were probably never really sexually compatible but we made it work. We were too young to know. But I see other men, and I wouldn’t want to be married to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not interested in sex anymore after 2 kids and reaching my 40s. Look, I no longer have the body I did in my 20s, OK? And I work FT. Plus he has aged too. He’s fit but his hairline is receding!(gross). And “it” ceased to be interesting long ago.

Why can’t men just be happy with friendship, kids, career, our house, etc? Why does there still have to be sex? Men are just selfish babies.

My wife would write this, she basically says this.

What's the solution if you still have a strong libido? Divorce seems so drastic.

I know a lot of men deal with this by cheating, or moving on to a 2nd wife. Seems like a hassle.

I am with OP, the friendship only goes so far but to those of us with a strong libido it's definitely the sex that sustains the deep connection.

NP. Would you be ok with maintenance sex? Is that a solution?

This is where it seems like men use sex as an excuse to leave. If your wife tells you that she lives you and is willing to compromise with maintenance sex, men still aren’t happy. This is when it seems like men are just selfish babies.

once a week maintenance sex, lovingly engaged in, with the occasional more involved vacation or other occasion better sex would be a perfectly acceptable compromise. I am down to once every 1-2 months, rarely oral, mostly quickies to get it over with. Would you be ok if your husband offered you that? There are many, many men in my shoes which is why I eyeroll when I read people who were cheated on saying "we were still having sex!"

See in your first scenario, my husband claimed we weren’t having sex, even when that was more than once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not interested in sex anymore after 2 kids and reaching my 40s. Look, I no longer have the body I did in my 20s, OK? And I work FT. Plus he has aged too. He’s fit but his hairline is receding!(gross). And “it” ceased to be interesting long ago.

Why can’t men just be happy with friendship, kids, career, our house, etc? Why does there still have to be sex? Men are just selfish babies.

My wife would write this, she basically says this.

What's the solution if you still have a strong libido? Divorce seems so drastic.

I know a lot of men deal with this by cheating, or moving on to a 2nd wife. Seems like a hassle.

I am with OP, the friendship only goes so far but to those of us with a strong libido it's definitely the sex that sustains the deep connection.

NP. Would you be ok with maintenance sex? Is that a solution?

This is where it seems like men use sex as an excuse to leave. If your wife tells you that she lives you and is willing to compromise with maintenance sex, men still aren’t happy. This is when it seems like men are just selfish babies.

+100
Or to justify secret affairs

[Anonymous]

You both have to be happy with the levels of both facets throughout the duration of the marriage or it won't work. If sex goes away and one person is unhappy about it, it won't work. If the platonic connection becomes lacking and one person feels bereft because of it, it won't work.