What sustains a marriage more -- good sex life or good friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Was married 17 years yo my best friend in the world. We never argued, could finish each other's sentences, tackled everything as a team. Sex life declined after kids, but we still were doing it about once a week. So not amazing, but not sexless.

He ended up having an affair with his extremely homely, frumpy secretary. She was infatuated with him and I think in the end he craved that power imbalance, the feeling like a masculine hero to a needy damsel who literally had to ask him permission to take lunch.

He was a pretty passive guy for the most part, and I think that thrilled him.

This analysis sounds so spot on.

It's a great example of how, in general, the sexes are different. The post above talking about friendship being most important is someone who will be blindsided by cheating. Men primarily feel love through sex. If that's not a priority in the relationship, it has a shelf life and his eye and heart will be open to another

That’s not love. That’s a guy with low self esteem having a midlife crisis and feeling all mighty and powerful to his homely secretary that worships him for being out of her league. That’s not going to last and built in lies, hence the added thrill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there any surprises to any of the answers here?

I agree with another poster who said that married friendship is different than friendships with others who are not your spouse. I also believe sex can wax and wane over time but the shared history and marriage friendship/intimacy is important. I know this isn’t the common response but I do believe it to be true for many marriages (especially non DCUM ones). Not looking to challenge anyone. Just my belief.

+1. For me, the defining characteristic of what I believe is a much, much stronger marriage than most of my (DC typical) friends is the level of intimate, deep connection via friendship with my husband. No other friendship could come anywhere close.

[Anonymous]

Why is this an either/or? It doesn’t have to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know the answer because I don't think there is one answer, but I will say this:

My marriage is currently in a very dry period with regards to sex, for two reasons (1) I am working through PTSD from sexual assault that was triggered when I had my DC, and (2) we have a child under the age of 5. I guess also (3) Covid.

Were it not for our friendship, this would be impossible. It's hard anyway, but obviously since we are really not having sex right now, there would just be no way to sustain our marriage without the friendship piece. Even with the love. Romantic love is great and we have that too, but it doesn't get you through the really tough stuff. For that, you really need a deep emotional bond, which we have. Also intense loyalty and commitment.

I have every reason to believe our sex life will come back given the effort we are both putting in right now. But I know I'm not the first person to go through something like this (i.e. having absolutely no interest in sex due to trauma), and I think if your marriage does not have an emotional component that can survive even without sex, then it's going to be harder to go the distance. Because while some people manage to maintain sex at a steady level for 40-50 years, the vast majority don't. Kids, stress, grief, aging, menopause... odds are very good you will hit a dry spell or three or five. I don't know how people who don't have the friendship component survive that, and my suspicion is that by and large they don't, and that leads to divorce withs one frequency.

Sometimes I laugh a bit when people on here say "our bedroom is dead" because I feel like it's so self-defeating. It's dead if you say it is. My husband and I haven't had sex in months, but we are still intimate and loving, and importantly, we are both working towards a time when we can have sex again. Our bedroom isn't dead it's just on pause. But practically speaking, we are having no more sex than some of the people talking about this issue as though it's the end of everything. The friendship piece is the difference.

I strongly suspect your husband would describe things MUCH differently. Men don’t go too long in “dry periods” before they start looking around for other available options.

[Anonymous]

Oh God this again! DH and I had a robust sex life for 25 years. It got a little less frequent for the next 5 years when I hit menopause, then stopped 5 years later when DH was hit with health issues and ED.

Luckily we have a solid relationship to sustain us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For people who have experienced both types of relationships (physical chemistry driven versus friendship driven), which type would you consider more successful or which did you prefer?

I feel like the common refrain is "the physical side fades, so you need a solid friendship to sustain a marriage long term." For me, I think the opposite has been true.

First husband and I got along great, loved talking and hanging out together, never fought -- but also almost never had sex, and that was a dark cloud over our entire marriage.

My 8-year relationship with my current boyfriend has been very different. It started with lust, and I didn't care that we had little in common because I just thought it would be a short fling. But we never fell out of lust. We also fight much more than my ex-H and I did. We resolve our fights, but it's a bit tumultuous compared to my ex. But damn, the sex tho. It has been a salve that has gotten us through so many hard times.

I'm not suggesting physical chemistry could overcome abuse or mistreatment or intellectual unfulfillment. But assuming a baseline level of compatibility in any relationship, for me, physical chemistry has been more healing and restorative of the woes in this relationship than a deep friendship was in my old relationship.

Same for anyone else?

It’s hard to make generalizations about relationships like this. Impossible to say, because there is so much more to the dynamics between a couple than good sex or friendship. But a marriage is a romantic/sexual relationship at its root, this is why you are together, otherwise you would be paired up and living with your girlfriends.

The reality is a lot of couples have a relationship that falls into one of those two, there’s either a good physical connection, or a good friendship connection, and both feel strained if that’s all they have. I think a small minority of relationships have really strong dimensions of both. This is in part why one out of three marriages end in divorce

[Anonymous]

Neither OP, I once heard, good sex means nothing but bad sex is a killer in marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there any surprises to any of the answers here?

I agree with another poster who said that married friendship is different than friendships with others who are not your spouse. I also believe sex can wax and wane over time but the shared history and marriage friendship/intimacy is important. I know this isn’t the common response but I do believe it to be true for many marriages (especially non DCUM ones). Not looking to challenge anyone. Just my belief.

+1. For me, the defining characteristic of what I believe is a much, much stronger marriage than most of my (DC typical) friends is the level of intimate, deep connection via friendship with my husband. No other friendship could come anywhere close.

Why is your married friendship different than any other friendship? It’s because you are fundamentally in a romantic relationship, based on sex. It’s not the same as a friendship with your best friend because you didn’t desperately want your best friends body when you first met her. The only thing special about marriage friendship – if we leave out that you may have kids together – is that you have sex and you have made this lifelong commitment which binds you together. But that is just a construction and you could have that same deep history, commitment etc. with your best pal if you wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Like food and water, the most important is the one you don't have right now.

[Anonymous]

Agree that sex is of utmost importance. But so is the friendship. I feel like DH and I are two weirdos and no one but us would understand each other. We are both super intelligent AdHD people. I find him challenging but no one has ever understood me better, and he has shown me how he loves me and will protect our family. We are amazingly flawed and lucky.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses! The "duh" comments made me fine tune my thoughts more. I guess my comparison is between amazing friend-level compatibility + good sex...versus...fun, good friendship but not 100% agreement on everything + mind-blowing sex.

When I had the former, I didn't know sex could be better, so I thought I was satisfied in that area, and when my interest dropped off, I blamed hormones or the loss of passion that "inevitably" comes with familiarity. I didn't think there was any way to avoid settling into JUST a friendship in a long-term relationship, and our friendship couldn't have been better, so I thought we had the ideal marriage. Tried to slide the sexless dark cloud under the rug.

Now that I've experienced much more intense chemistry, with someone who's also a great friend but not 100% in agreement with me on everything or who can read my mind, I prefer this. Now that I've experienced this type of physical relationship, I know it's not easily replaceable, so I'm inclined to forgive a lot more of the usual irritations that come with having a partner.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

I just read this post in another thread:

Doesn't attraction fade over time? I see all the threads of women saying they don't want to have sex with their husbands after a decade or more despite being attracted to them at one point. My DH is attractive but I have zero desire for sex. I would rather be married to someone kind and a good partner at this stage since the sexual part leaves the marriage for most couples over time.

This thinking is SO ubiquitous! I, too, used that line about my H being attractive. He was, objectively. But what I didn't have enough experience to understand back then is that that didn't mean I was attracted to him. But I didn't think there was anything better or more fulfilling out there for me because this refrain of "marry your best friend!" is drilled into us.

[Anonymous]

Married 17 years. You obviously need attraction but I say it’s the friendship. You have to genuinely like/trust/enjoy/depend on the person. Without that, I don’t think the sex alone will do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I just read this post in another thread:

Doesn't attraction fade over time? I see all the threads of women saying they don't want to have sex with their husbands after a decade or more despite being attracted to them at one point. My DH is attractive but I have zero desire for sex. I would rather be married to someone kind and a good partner at this stage since the sexual part leaves the marriage for most couples over time.

This thinking is SO ubiquitous! I, too, used that line about my H being attractive. He was, objectively. But what I didn't have enough experience to understand back then is that that didn't mean I was attracted to him. But I didn't think there was anything better or more fulfilling out there for me because this refrain of "marry your best friend!" is drilled into us.

Mind blowing sex dies off in a decade or more.

People age, life is long.

[Anonymous]

Both are important but nothing replaces the deep intimacy and connection they sex brings. I find that what sex is absent from the relationship my heart starts longing for others and I lose that sense of closeness. Little things start to feel bigger. Good sex brings us close again.

That being said it's hard to sustain after a decade or more. OP how are you so sure you will still feel this way 10 years from now? Most of us felt wild attraction for our spouses when we were younger and had great sex early on. Not so easy to replicate now