What sustains a marriage more -- good sex life or good friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For people who have experienced both types of relationships (physical chemistry driven versus friendship driven), which type would you consider more successful or which did you prefer?

I feel like the common refrain is "the physical side fades, so you need a solid friendship to sustain a marriage long term." For me, I think the opposite has been true.

First husband and I got along great, loved talking and hanging out together, never fought -- but also almost never had sex, and that was a dark cloud over our entire marriage.

My 8-year relationship with my current boyfriend has been very different. It started with lust, and I didn't care that we had little in common because I just thought it would be a short fling. But we never fell out of lust. We also fight much more than my ex-H and I did. We resolve our fights, but it's a bit tumultuous compared to my ex. But damn, the sex tho. It has been a salve that has gotten us through so many hard times.

I'm not suggesting physical chemistry could overcome abuse or mistreatment or intellectual unfulfillment. But assuming a baseline level of compatibility in any relationship, for me, physical chemistry has been more healing and restorative of the woes in this relationship than a deep friendship was in my old relationship.

Same for anyone else?

Same situation.

Sex is a barometer of marriage, if you aren't having good sex at least once a week, its probably because there is something deeply wrong with the marriage. Of course, friendship is important but you can also get that outside the marriage. With sex, if you aren't getting it inside the marriage, you will eventually get it outside the marriage. Or if you remain faithful, the resentment will destroy all else.

DW here. I need the trust and communication and playfulness of the Friendship to really be interested in the Sex.

DH here. I need the sex to be really interested in the playfulness and friendship of the marriage. I think we are both typical

[Anonymous]

Are there any surprises to any of the answers here?

I agree with another poster who said that married friendship is different than friendships with others who are not your spouse. I also believe sex can wax and wane over time but the shared history and marriage friendship/intimacy is important. I know this isn’t the common response but I do believe it to be true for many marriages (especially non DCUM ones). Not looking to challenge anyone. Just my belief.

[Anonymous]

We fought a lot and my DW has had lots of complaints about everything, but I made sure that she had one or two orgasms with each sex.
I wonder if that helped our marriage intact for the past twenty years

[Anonymous]

Sex. Was married 17 years yo my best friend in the world. We never argued, could finish each other's sentences, tackled everything as a team. Sex life declined after kids, but we still were doing it about once a week. So not amazing, but not sexless.

He ended up having an affair with his extremely homely, frumpy secretary. She was infatuated with him and I think in the end he craved that power imbalance, the feeling like a masculine hero to a needy damsel who literally had to ask him permission to take lunch.

He was a pretty passive guy for the most part, and I think that thrilled him.

[Anonymous]

It’s about a good balance as one can find orgasams and friendship elsewhere but a comfort of having someone who loves you, finds you desirable, shares similar values and humor, makes them valuable.

[Anonymous]

woman here.

Friendship. Period. I don’t know why people don’t understand this more.

People who are in ace marriages exist. Couples where one partner has a standing hall pass exist. Couples where one partner just bites the bullet and lives without much sex exist. And many of these marriages are happy. Because they love each other and otherwise work well together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Was married 17 years yo my best friend in the world. We never argued, could finish each other's sentences, tackled everything as a team. Sex life declined after kids, but we still were doing it about once a week. So not amazing, but not sexless.

He ended up having an affair with his extremely homely, frumpy secretary. She was infatuated with him and I think in the end he craved that power imbalance, the feeling like a masculine hero to a needy damsel who literally had to ask him permission to take lunch.

He was a pretty passive guy for the most part, and I think that thrilled him.

This analysis sounds so spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Was married 17 years yo my best friend in the world. We never argued, could finish each other's sentences, tackled everything as a team. Sex life declined after kids, but we still were doing it about once a week. So not amazing, but not sexless.

He ended up having an affair with his extremely homely, frumpy secretary. She was infatuated with him and I think in the end he craved that power imbalance, the feeling like a masculine hero to a needy damsel who literally had to ask him permission to take lunch.

He was a pretty passive guy for the most part, and I think that thrilled him.

This analysis sounds so spot on.

It's a great example of how, in general, the sexes are different. The post above talking about friendship being most important is someone who will be blindsided by cheating. Men primarily feel love through sex. If that's not a priority in the relationship, it has a shelf life and his eye and heart will be open to another

[Anonymous]

Sex

[Anonymous]

Sex is a barometer of marriage, if you aren't having good sex at least once a week, its probably because there is something deeply wrong with the marriage. Of course, friendship is important but you can also get that outside the marriage. With sex, if you aren't getting it inside the marriage, you will eventually get it outside the marriage. Or if you remain faithful, the resentment will destroy all else.


DW here. I need the trust and communication and playfulness of the Friendship to really be interested in the Sex.

DH here. I need the sex to be really interested in the playfulness and friendship of the marriage. I think we are both typical

50-something DW here, on 2nd marriage. All of the above!

[Anonymous]

Sex, as long as your paper keeps his or her holes clean and fresh.

[Anonymous]

I don't know the answer because I don't think there is one answer, but I will say this:

My marriage is currently in a very dry period with regards to sex, for two reasons (1) I am working through PTSD from sexual assault that was triggered when I had my DC, and (2) we have a child under the age of 5. I guess also (3) Covid.

Were it not for our friendship, this would be impossible. It's hard anyway, but obviously since we are really not having sex right now, there would just be no way to sustain our marriage without the friendship piece. Even with the love. Romantic love is great and we have that too, but it doesn't get you through the really tough stuff. For that, you really need a deep emotional bond, which we have. Also intense loyalty and commitment.

I have every reason to believe our sex life will come back given the effort we are both putting in right now. But I know I'm not the first person to go through something like this (i.e. having absolutely no interest in sex due to trauma), and I think if your marriage does not have an emotional component that can survive even without sex, then it's going to be harder to go the distance. Because while some people manage to maintain sex at a steady level for 40-50 years, the vast majority don't. Kids, stress, grief, aging, menopause... odds are very good you will hit a dry spell or three or five. I don't know how people who don't have the friendship component survive that, and my suspicion is that by and large they don't, and that leads to divorce withs one frequency.

Sometimes I laugh a bit when people on here say "our bedroom is dead" because I feel like it's so self-defeating. It's dead if you say it is. My husband and I haven't had sex in months, but we are still intimate and loving, and importantly, we are both working towards a time when we can have sex again. Our bedroom isn't dead it's just on pause. But practically speaking, we are having no more sex than some of the people talking about this issue as though it's the end of everything. The friendship piece is the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Was married 17 years yo my best friend in the world. We never argued, could finish each other's sentences, tackled everything as a team. Sex life declined after kids, but we still were doing it about once a week. So not amazing, but not sexless.

He ended up having an affair with his extremely homely, frumpy secretary. She was infatuated with him and I think in the end he craved that power imbalance, the feeling like a masculine hero to a needy damsel who literally had to ask him permission to take lunch.

He was a pretty passive guy for the most part, and I think that thrilled him.

This analysis sounds so spot on.

It's a great example of how, in general, the sexes are different. The post above talking about friendship being most important is someone who will be blindsided by cheating. Men primarily feel love through sex. If that's not a priority in the relationship, it has a shelf life and his eye and heart will be open to another

I might be the “friendship” PP. First of all, aren’t most people in an apparently good relationship blindsided by cheating? How would you not be? So some people plant a seed of doubt before cheating? I’ve never quite understood this, nor the implication that somebody who would be blindsided by cheating is naïve or ignorant.

Second, I might have a definition of “friend.” I don’t think it’s “friend” behavior to cheat on somebody. Like if somebody is cheating on you, how are you friends?

Third, I don’t think that two people who aren’t friends can have a good marriage. If you’re not chatting with each other, having fun with each other, emotionally supporting each other, doing nice things for the other, that’s not a good marriage. But there are marriages in which both partners are satisfied with very little to secs. Why would sex be more important for them than friendship? I think that you can say that sex and friendship are equally important, but if you have to choose between the two and generalize, it’s friendship.

People are still under the misconception that a) sex is a need b) monogamy is necessary b) ace people don’t exist and d) some people truly do love sex but believe that it’s not nearly as important as other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Was married 17 years yo my best friend in the world. We never argued, could finish each other's sentences, tackled everything as a team. Sex life declined after kids, but we still were doing it about once a week. So not amazing, but not sexless.

He ended up having an affair with his extremely homely, frumpy secretary. She was infatuated with him and I think in the end he craved that power imbalance, the feeling like a masculine hero to a needy damsel who literally had to ask him permission to take lunch.

He was a pretty passive guy for the most part, and I think that thrilled him.

This analysis sounds so spot on.

It's a great example of how, in general, the sexes are different. The post above talking about friendship being most important is someone who will be blindsided by cheating. Men primarily feel love through sex. If that's not a priority in the relationship, it has a shelf life and his eye and heart will be open to another

I might be the “friendship” PP. First of all, aren’t most people in an apparently good relationship blindsided by cheating? How would you not be? So some people plant a seed of doubt before cheating? I’ve never quite understood this, nor the implication that somebody who would be blindsided by cheating is naïve or ignorant.

Second, I might have a definition of “friend.” I don’t think it’s “friend” behavior to cheat on somebody. Like if somebody is cheating on you, how are you friends?

Third, I don’t think that two people who aren’t friends can have a good marriage. If you’re not chatting with each other, having fun with each other, emotionally supporting each other, doing nice things for the other, that’s not a good marriage. But there are marriages in which both partners are satisfied with very little to secs. Why would sex be more important for them than friendship? I think that you can say that sex and friendship are equally important, but if you have to choose between the two and generalize, it’s friendship.

People are still under the misconception that a) sex is a need b) monogamy is necessary b) ace people don’t exist and d) some people truly do love sex but believe that it’s not nearly as important as other things.

I view getting cheated on like getting Covid. I feel bad for you, but I need to know more. Did you take precautions, are you vaccinated, did you wear a mask in crowded indoor spaces? Or were you anti-vax, went to a crowded bar during a surge, and then expect people to feel bad for you when you are sick?

Were you a loving and generous spouse or did you turn away your spouse despite their efforts and requests for sex and intimacy? If the latter, I feel as bad for you for being cheated on as the person who shrugged off Covid precautions.

As for whether sex is a need, if you define it as life and death, then only food and water and shelter qualify. So love is not a need and neither is friendship or whatever intimacy you are talking about. And spare me the aces talk, no one is invalidating their experience or even applying this thread to two paired people who don't like sex. Good for them, they don't like sex, this thread isn't for you.

If you feel that sex isn't nearly as important as other things in the marriage, you really, REALLY need to screen for a partner who feels similarly. Most men will not be able to sustain a romantic connection to you without it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously both. Duh.

My husband and I couldn’t keep our hands off one another or be apart after we met. It was intense chemistry and so much sex I was sore.

BUT- we loved everything about one another, had the same sense of humor, interests and truly liked each other’s friends. We were intimate inside and outside the bedroom. He is my best friend.

25 years later, passion can be intense, lull and rise again. Sex can be quick or long or one is more into than the other—and it can also be amazing.

We are 50 now, we don’t go more than a week without having sex and sometimes it’s a few times per week. Or somebody has a parent dying or is sick themselves, and we obviously don’t feel like it.

You need both for a long, happy successful marriage and you need to be flexible and understanding.

This is a good post. My initial inclination is that sex is what makes you a couple and is the one thing you only do with each other. But you are right, both are essential

I think of it like arguing whether the steering wheel or the gas is more essential to a car. If you don't have both, the car is worthless

+100

I’ve been married 23 years and can’t imagine only having one of them. It’s not “either or” for a good marriage. And you better have chemistry/passion at the beginning.