Are sons missing a genetic gene on caring about their parents?

[Anonymous]

A daughter for life I am, but I burned out on the first round of elder care that spanned for several years. While still a daughter, much stricter boundaries are now in place. My children, my husband and my overall health and well being matter as well. The other 3 siblings set boundaries well before me. They were wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

This is so absurd.

Children grow up the way they were raised
So if you want your sons to behave
As someone who cares for his family
Raise him to know how it ought to be

THIS RIGHT HERE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

What ignorant, misogynistic crap!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, this is simply a matter of family and cultural dynamics.

This usually. But ASD is no joke for never seeing others’ needs and doing something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not genetic. People still EXPECT women to manage this stuff. Women are judged for any perceived failing of their children or household. It's sexism.

I'm in my 60s and still see this. Kid shows up to school unkempt or missing assignments and everyone will assume it's on mom. House isn't perfect when someone drops by, it's on mom. Look at the endless posts on this site that do the same. Any issue with inlaws - it's caused by the dil.

People are in denial about the amount of sexism that persists.

This is the disgorged families, the kids show up with matted up hair and random clothes during dad’s days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the case in my family. I grew up with wonderful parents and a fantastic father. It's dads who need to lead the way.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think men find it easier to have boundaries. Women will have no boundaries, get totally enmeshed and burned out, play the martyr and stir up drama rather than doing what they can handle. I used to be so filled with rage toward the sibling who did little and was concerned the GC. I am saying this as a woman who got burned out and depressed dealing with my elderly parents and all their issues for 8 years. There was no appreciation or value for my time after a while. I have learned to set boundaries and detach so I am not filled with resentment and anger so much. Try it.

Sometimes natural consequences work— he will eventually start visiting Ma in the hospital.

Other times your Game Of Chicken only had one player, you, the other just ain’t playing or going to do it ever. He will not be growing or evolving or checking in on Ma at the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men find it easier to have boundaries. Women will have no boundaries, get totally enmeshed and burned out, play the martyr and stir up drama rather than doing what they can handle. I used to be so filled with rage toward the sibling who did little and was concerned the GC. I am saying this as a woman who got burned out and depressed dealing with my elderly parents and all their issues for 8 years. There was no appreciation or value for my time after a while. I have learned to set boundaries and detach so I am not filled with resentment and anger so much. Try it.

Wow I hear you and fully believe you.

Yes I agree setting boundaries is important for combatting Female Carer Burnout. Structural societal supports are needed as well. Not disproportionately
blaming mothers and daughters for all family Problems would help too.

Detach from expecting them to do the right thing while you continue to do everything for everyone!? Ok….. I’ll have a few shots of vodka to fool myself into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t underestimate the much greater tolerance husbands have for their wives to provide elder care, vs. wives not tolerating their husbands neglecting them in order to provide eldercare.

Like 75% of divorces are instigated by women filing “tolerance?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men find it easier to have boundaries. Women will have no boundaries, get totally enmeshed and burned out, play the martyr and stir up drama rather than doing what they can handle. I used to be so filled with rage toward the sibling who did little and was concerned the GC. I am saying this as a woman who got burned out and depressed dealing with my elderly parents and all their issues for 8 years. There was no appreciation or value for my time after a while. I have learned to set boundaries and detach so I am not filled with resentment and anger so much. Try it.

because you were raised this way. Why would men find it easier to have boundaries? More than likely they were let off the hook and never expected to be the caretaker. If I look around at my friends with young kids, I see them raising their daughters differently than their sons.

Oh please. It is NOT a man consciously setting any mental or physical health boundaries when he does NOTHING for his ailing elderly parents and sits back and lets his sister handle everything.
It’s ignorance + misogyny + selfishness + BS (I can’t do that! I don’t know how to do that!).

Call me when men learn to set boundaries on their office work or iPhone addiction, then we can talk about boundaries of their caretaking responsibilities….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

No wonder they moved in with the husbands family, forever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

This is so absurd.

Children grow up the way they were raised
So if you want your sons to behave
As someone who cares for his family
Raise him to know how it ought to be

Like most relationships it’s also a 2 way street.
Adult man’s parents can ask to speak weekly? Or can suggest fun trips to take together or meals once in awhile. or can ask them to handle a medical procedure for them, etc. yes at some point Power of Attorney will kick in and they won’t be capable of asking their sons to step up, but at least they weren’t assumed and accepted as Do Nothings leading up to those later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw my brothers do this to our parents too. But our parents raised us girls to put others before ourselves and my brothers to put themselves first.

My parents made us girls clean the house and babysit the younger kids. Our brothers only had to make their beds and do outdoor chores, like mowing.

It was no surprise when the parents got old, the daughters put in most of the caregiving hours. My brothers would turn off their phones when they thought an urgent call from the ailing parents might come in. They took care of themselves first as my parents trained them.

+100

Most of this over 40 were raised this way. It isn't genetics. People who are genetics want things to stay this way.

Link to research on reality of global experiences in huge gender gaps In providing unpaid family care with scientific research that contends it is all social conditioning ? Scientists have been arguing over this for decades …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men find it easier to have boundaries. Women will have no boundaries, get totally enmeshed and burned out, play the martyr and stir up drama rather than doing what they can handle. I used to be so filled with rage toward the sibling who did little and was concerned the GC. I am saying this as a woman who got burned out and depressed dealing with my elderly parents and all their issues for 8 years. There was no appreciation or value for my time after a while. I have learned to set boundaries and detach so I am not filled with resentment and anger so much. Try it.

Wow I hear you and fully believe you.

Yes I agree setting boundaries is important for combatting Female Carer Burnout. Structural societal supports are needed as well. Not disproportionately
blaming mothers and daughters for all family Problems would help too.

Detach from expecting them to do the right thing while you continue to do everything for everyone!? Ok….. I’ll have a few shots of vodka to fool myself into that.

Huh???? She said she stopped doing everything for everyone as her work was not valued …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

What ignorant, misogynistic crap!

Every cliched proverb has a grain of truth.

The gender gap is real.

Biological and social Gender differences are both real.

The question is how to reduce the inordinate burden on women to provide unpaid family care?