Are sons missing a genetic gene on caring about their parents?

[Anonymous]

I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

[Anonymous]

C’mom OP, you can’t really think this.

You’re upset. Deal with that rather than divert your anger to this pointless argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Maybe but gentle communication helps.

My daughter told my son I was hurt he never calls me (I worked incredibly hard to help him overcome many challenges and enjoy success now and tried to be the best mother I could despite coming from an abusive mentally unwell mother myself). He told her immediately that he loves me very much but was busy and he was sorry. He called very soon after and agreed to check in more regularly.

I adore his wife and there is no jealousy between us. She does communicate much more regularly with her parents than he does, even though she confides a lot of stuff to me she can mmm does not talk about with them. On the other hand, my brother is one of the best communicators in my family.

So it may not be always true, but I think you right that sons are often less sensitive than daughters to being considerate to feelings of parents - otherwise where would that cliche come from (a son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life) … yet with gentle nudges, they can do better. There are so many other ways, he is a great son by working hard to reach his dreams and being a devoted Husband who chose a kind, intelligent wife. I am so glad we have good relations with his wife and that helps keep us all connected.

[Anonymous]

No, the ones in my family do well caring for their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Maybe but gentle communication helps.

My daughter told my son I was hurt he never calls me (I worked incredibly hard to help him overcome many challenges and enjoy success now and tried to be the best mother I could despite coming from an abusive mentally unwell mother myself). He told her immediately that he loves me very much but was busy and he was sorry. He called very soon after and agreed to check in more regularly.

I adore his wife and there is no jealousy between us. She does communicate much more regularly with her parents than he does, even though she confides a lot of stuff to me she can mmm does not talk about with them. On the other hand, my brother is one of the best communicators in my family.

So it may not be always true, but I think you right that sons are often less sensitive than daughters to being considerate to feelings of parents - otherwise where would that cliche come from (a son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life) … yet with gentle nudges, they can do better. There are so many other ways, he is a great son by working hard to reach his dreams and being a devoted Husband who chose a kind, intelligent wife. I am so glad we have good relations with his wife and that helps keep us all connected.

If you want to talk to your son, call him. If you are upset with him, tell him. You’re really pitting your kids against each other.

[Anonymous]

A “gene” no? Social conditioning, yes.

Did your dad model sending flowers to his mother for Mother’s Day, or a birthday call and gift? If he didn’t, did your mother model “pick up the slack for your husband”?

Did your mom (like mine) model, “After a holiday meal, the hostess starts clearing table and asks her daughters—not her son—to help?”

And on and on. If you are the mom of a boy, I hope you and your husband and modeling division-of-labor behaviors, and teaching them by example that family relationships and being thoughtful and active participants in family life is not just “women’s work.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A “gene” no? Social conditioning, yes.

Did your dad model sending flowers to his mother for Mother’s Day, or a birthday call and gift? If he didn’t, did your mother model “pick up the slack for your husband”?

Did your mom (like mine) model, “After a holiday meal, the hostess starts clearing table and asks her daughters—not her son—to help?”

And on and on. If you are the mom of a boy, I hope you and your husband and modeling division-of-labor behaviors, and teaching them by example that family relationships and being thoughtful and active participants in family life is not just “women’s work.”

^^Meant to say “especially modeling”…it’s important to model this behavior whether or not you have a son, as DH and I do for our two daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Maybe but gentle communication helps.

My daughter told my son I was hurt he never calls me (I worked incredibly hard to help him overcome many challenges and enjoy success now and tried to be the best mother I could despite coming from an abusive mentally unwell mother myself). He told her immediately that he loves me very much but was busy and he was sorry. He called very soon after and agreed to check in more regularly.

I adore his wife and there is no jealousy between us. She does communicate much more regularly with her parents than he does, even though she confides a lot of stuff to me she can mmm does not talk about with them. On the other hand, my brother is one of the best communicators in my family.

So it may not be always true, but I think you right that sons are often less sensitive than daughters to being considerate to feelings of parents - otherwise where would that cliche come from (a son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life) … yet with gentle nudges, they can do better. There are so many other ways, he is a great son by working hard to reach his dreams and being a devoted Husband who chose a kind, intelligent wife. I am so glad we have good relations with his wife and that helps keep us all connected.

If you want to talk to your son, call him. If you are upset with him, tell him. You’re really pitting your kids against each other.

Don’t be so quick to judge honey / I told my daughter in confidence and she told my brother. We got into an argument about it as I did not want to put pressure on him. It worked out well but I try not not to put pressure on my son or DIL as they are both so busy. When we do get together we have wonderful times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Maybe but gentle communication helps.

My daughter told my son I was hurt he never calls me (I worked incredibly hard to help him overcome many challenges and enjoy success now and tried to be the best mother I could despite coming from an abusive mentally unwell mother myself). He told her immediately that he loves me very much but was busy and he was sorry. He called very soon after and agreed to check in more regularly.

I adore his wife and there is no jealousy between us. She does communicate much more regularly with her parents than he does, even though she confides a lot of stuff to me she can mmm does not talk about with them. On the other hand, my brother is one of the best communicators in my family.

So it may not be always true, but I think you right that sons are often less sensitive than daughters to being considerate to feelings of parents - otherwise where would that cliche come from (a son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life) … yet with gentle nudges, they can do better. There are so many other ways, he is a great son by working hard to reach his dreams and being a devoted Husband who chose a kind, intelligent wife. I am so glad we have good relations with his wife and that helps keep us all connected.

If you want to talk to your son, call him. If you are upset with him, tell him. You’re really pitting your kids against each other.

Don’t be so quick to judge honey / I told my daughter in confidence and she told my brother. We got into an argument about it as I did not want to put pressure on him. It worked out well but I try not not to put pressure on my son or DIL as they are both so busy. When we do get together we have wonderful times.

Also I do the opposite of putting them against each other and they are good friends despite being very different people.

I always encourage them to appreciate each other’s strengths and to be there for each other … and they are.

[Anonymous]

No. In my family and pretty much all men I know participate in helping out and caring for their parents. There are jerks and selfish people in all genders.

[Anonymous]

Ffs.

[Anonymous]

Why is anyone surprised?

Patriarchy.

It's only a small portion of the world's males of THIS young generation who has been taught that they, too, can be successful caregivers. The minuscule portion with equity and gender-conscious parents.

There are always exceptions, of course.

My workaholic, patriarchal, "separate-gender-roles" Japanese father became the main housekeeper, cook and child-raiser when my mother's Multiple Sclerosis became too handicapping. He bought a book on bento and made them from scratch every morning for my school lunch and drove me to school. He cleaned the house to perfection every Sunday morning, sewed my pantomine costumes and coached me in math. He also worked late nights and weekends, to make up for sometimes not showing up to work at the Japanese-approved early morning time.

So. It can be learned despite a very gender-rigid childhood. But under duress.

[Anonymous]

No, this is simply a matter of family and cultural dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Yes although I agree it is probably more socialization rather than genetic. I also know many families where daughters work much harder to care for parents and their own children.

[Anonymous]

My DH is caring of his parents. My brother does very little for our parents. It's all on the daughters.