Daycare guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.

I’m hearing “daycare is cheaper”. Sorry, OP. NP here and I’m not buying it either.

Why? I’m not OP but I felt exactly the same way. I just couldn’t trust one person that much. Absolutely fine if you could but not everyone feels that way. I don’t really think daycare was cheaper once we had two there either…

My kids had good and bad periods at daycare. Bizarrely the first two years were great and then some developmental difficulties showed up for the older that made certain parts of organized care not right for her. We had to switch to a different program and while we were figuring that out it was *awful*. I came very close to quitting. That kid is now doing great in elementary school and hope is ok despite some challenges.

But I felt some guilt even when things were going well. I would love to have been home the first year with each kid and tried to make their days as short as possible. Idk I wish there were more options since I win a field that doesn’t look kindly on extended time out of the workforce.

That makes no sense to me! You trust strangers in a daycare that you didn’t even background check who make minimum wage and have two other babies to care for but not one vetted nanny who will truly love your child?

I will never understand this rationalization. Especially after working in daycare. We were all well meaning and kind women but the kids meant very little to us (although we pretended they did for the parents) and we all got out of there within a couple years. Two of the teachers I worked with were hung over every Monday and one got high in her car every lunch. This was a well respected daycare, too.

I've had kids in daycare and also had nannies. My own personal opinion is that a nanny is preferable up to age 2-3, then daycare is preferable. Daycare has built in structure and checks and controls. Nannies have the 1:1 connection that is important for babies and young kids. With day care, your child is not alone with one individual for long periods of time. There is a curriculum that exposes them to new ideas and concepts beyond what me and my spouse and one nanny would do with them. The structure helps to prepare them for kindergarten. Just my opinion and I acknowledge that what is right for me may not be right for others.

[Anonymous]

Setting Covid aside, daycares are absolutely safer than nannies, I won't post the study again because I have other things to do but daycares have to be licensed and demonstrate to inspectors that they are safe. Nanny share at someone else's house seems the shadiest to me. Thankfully, child deaths in paid child care (daycare or nanny) are rare, but yes they do happen much, much less often in daycares, especially center-based daycares where there are multiple adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is at least one daycare badger on this board that claims to have worked at a well-respected daycare with horror stories.

Of course there are bad daycares, and there are bad nannies. And there are wonderful examples of both, too.

Stop trying to guilt people who make different parenting decisions than you, and stop taking their choices as a reflection of your choices. It’s so toxic.

I’m not the daycare-badger. But has anyone worked in a daycare who then sent their kids to daycare?

I worked in several. The ones I worked in required the lead teachers to have at least a bachelor’s degree. Continuing education was required. They were considered great centers. They were accredited. They had cameras everywhere.

No way would I have ever left one of my kids in any of them. I saw way too much.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I have done nannies, nanny shares, and daycare and I think that for kids your kids' age, a daycare is far and away a better choice. They are getting social interaction, learning how to function in a group setting, and you have a whole team of trained people keeping an eye on their developmental.

Leaving your kids with anyone who isn't you can be very hard and if that's how you feel, you should honor that. There is nothing wrong with your or that emotion. You are way in the thick of it with two kids that little and you became a mom of 2 in a pademic. It will get easier!!!

[Anonymous]

OP I felt the same way but I also felt similarly being at home with them because I’m not the great outdoor exploring crafting music mom i hoped I would be.

Now they are in an actual preschool, not daycare, and the teachers are amazing and I trust them, and I don’t have the same awful guilt anymore.

Maybe you could look at other daycares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is at least one daycare badger on this board that claims to have worked at a well-respected daycare with horror stories.

Of course there are bad daycares, and there are bad nannies. And there are wonderful examples of both, too.

Stop trying to guilt people who make different parenting decisions than you, and stop taking their choices as a reflection of your choices. It’s so toxic.

I’m not the daycare-badger. But has anyone worked in a daycare who then sent their kids to daycare?

I worked in several. The ones I worked in required the lead teachers to have at least a bachelor’s degree. Continuing education was required. They were considered great centers. They were accredited. They had cameras everywhere.

No way would I have ever left one of my kids in any of them. I saw way too much.

+3. Another mom here who worked in two different daycare centers... my kids have a nanny.

[Anonymous]

I've worked in daycare centers. When my first was born I took some time off and then opened a home daycare. If one can avoid group care prior to 18 months I do think it is more ideal. An ideal many can't really pull off.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I had to take a few days away from this thread! I have talked to my therapist and we are going to discuss my fears more in depth at our next session. I think a lot of it has to do with my own childhood experience (I related to the PP who was hurt by their nanny. So sorry PP) and the negative experience we had with our nanny. I know my kids are in the right place. I just am such a fearful person and I am so worried about missing something.

Many of you have brought up a lot for me to think about. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

With all due respect, this is weird. One point of contact vs dozens is automatically safer. If a nanny is vaxed now, it's far safer. But I would suggest therapy to get to the heart of your concerns. I don't really think it's normal for parents to drop their kids off for an entire day with strangers no matter what the situation, but this is the reality of our society and kids seem to do just fine. You sound like a great mother, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.

I’m hearing “daycare is cheaper”. Sorry, OP. NP here and I’m not buying it either.

That’s not the case for myself or my social circle. We pay for FT daycare but have a PT nanny (paid commensurately to ensure reliability) pick up our kid early and bring her home. It runs me about $5K annually more than I’d pay a FT nanny.

That being said, I do wonder if straight daycare would be better. I’ve got a godsend PT nanny now, but that’s because she under no circumstances intends this as a career and is happy working for us because we are helping mentor her in the field of her choice. I had two different FT nannies till my kid was 18 months, WFH and could hear everything. Nannies are on their phone constantly, especially if they have kids of their own, have no idea about developing a child (even those who have ECE experience - those programs are a joke), and have too many personal issues and inappropriate requests for assistance. They loved working for me but I could not wait to have my house back.

OP, you’re doing everything right! Hugs and being a mom is hard.

[Anonymous]

They learn a lot from being in the care of other adults. I always found that having other people who really loved my kids too was a real blessing.

This gets easier as they get bigger too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They learn a lot from being in the care of other adults. I always found that having other people who really loved my kids too was a real blessing.

This gets easier as they get bigger too.

Agree. It warms my heart seeing my child hug her lead teacher. She is also very verbal so if something were amiss, she could tell me.