Daycare guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Revisit the nanny thing. Especially if you have WFH flexibility. Or, if you can afford it and inclined to do so, take a break from work for a couple of years. I’m a happy WOHM (with nanny) and always have been, but if I felt like you I would quit in an instant and DH would be fully on board. Life’s too short and kids are too important.

I appreciate this perspective, thank you. I know that being a FTM is not for me. I stayed home with my daughter at first and I became extremely irritable and unfulfilled. I adore my kids and we spend a lot of great quality time together. I just need an out-of-home child care for some balance.

[Anonymous]

Op - it is ok to miss your baby. It is normal to miss your baby. You can do something right and still not feel good about it. My kids are in college and happy which makes me happy but I also miss them too.

[Anonymous]

It is not PPD to miss your baby. Tbh I think a lot of mothers go great lengths to suppress their natural instinct to be with their infants in order to return to work. I don’t have helpful advice other than to not be hard on yourself and time will change those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Revisit the nanny thing. Especially if you have WFH flexibility. Or, if you can afford it and inclined to do so, take a break from work for a couple of years. I’m a happy WOHM (with nanny) and always have been, but if I felt like you I would quit in an instant and DH would be fully on board. Life’s too short and kids are too important.

I appreciate this perspective, thank you. I know that being a FTM is not for me. I stayed home with my daughter at first and I became extremely irritable and unfulfilled. I adore my kids and we spend a lot of great quality time together. I just need an out-of-home child care for some balance.

Agree with this. I did not like having a nanny when I was working from home. Maybe it's dependent on the nanny (and I had one during the winter when outdoor time was kinda limited) but I really felt like it was a noisy/not relaxing environment. Preferred outside the home childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.

So it seems like the guilt is because of leaving your kid, not the care type. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.

I’m hearing “daycare is cheaper”. Sorry, OP. NP here and I’m not buying it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.

I’m hearing “daycare is cheaper”. Sorry, OP. NP here and I’m not buying it either.

Why? I’m not OP but I felt exactly the same way. I just couldn’t trust one person that much. Absolutely fine if you could but not everyone feels that way. I don’t really think daycare was cheaper once we had two there either…

My kids had good and bad periods at daycare. Bizarrely the first two years were great and then some developmental difficulties showed up for the older that made certain parts of organized care not right for her. We had to switch to a different program and while we were figuring that out it was *awful*. I came very close to quitting. That kid is now doing great in elementary school and hope is ok despite some challenges.

But I felt some guilt even when things were going well. I would love to have been home the first year with each kid and tried to make their days as short as possible. Idk I wish there were more options since I win a field that doesn’t look kindly on extended time out of the workforce.

[Anonymous]

I can’t say I can relate. I love dropping my kid off at daycare! But I’m also a single mom and I NEED A BREAK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.

I’m hearing “daycare is cheaper”. Sorry, OP. NP here and I’m not buying it either.

Why? I’m not OP but I felt exactly the same way. I just couldn’t trust one person that much. Absolutely fine if you could but not everyone feels that way. I don’t really think daycare was cheaper once we had two there either…

My kids had good and bad periods at daycare. Bizarrely the first two years were great and then some developmental difficulties showed up for the older that made certain parts of organized care not right for her. We had to switch to a different program and while we were figuring that out it was *awful*. I came very close to quitting. That kid is now doing great in elementary school and hope is ok despite some challenges.

But I felt some guilt even when things were going well. I would love to have been home the first year with each kid and tried to make their days as short as possible. Idk I wish there were more options since I win a field that doesn’t look kindly on extended time out of the workforce.

That makes no sense to me! You trust strangers in a daycare that you didn’t even background check who make minimum wage and have two other babies to care for but not one vetted nanny who will truly love your child?

I will never understand this rationalization. Especially after working in daycare. We were all well meaning and kind women but the kids meant very little to us (although we pretended they did for the parents) and we all got out of there within a couple years. Two of the teachers I worked with were hung over every Monday and one got high in her car every lunch. This was a well respected daycare, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.

I’m hearing “daycare is cheaper”. Sorry, OP. NP here and I’m not buying it either.

Why? I’m not OP but I felt exactly the same way. I just couldn’t trust one person that much. Absolutely fine if you could but not everyone feels that way. I don’t really think daycare was cheaper once we had two there either…

My kids had good and bad periods at daycare. Bizarrely the first two years were great and then some developmental difficulties showed up for the older that made certain parts of organized care not right for her. We had to switch to a different program and while we were figuring that out it was *awful*. I came very close to quitting. That kid is now doing great in elementary school and hope is ok despite some challenges.

But I felt some guilt even when things were going well. I would love to have been home the first year with each kid and tried to make their days as short as possible. Idk I wish there were more options since I win a field that doesn’t look kindly on extended time out of the workforce.

That makes no sense to me! You trust strangers in a daycare that you didn’t even background check who make minimum wage and have two other babies to care for but not one vetted nanny who will truly love your child?

I will never understand this rationalization. Especially after working in daycare. We were all well meaning and kind women but the kids meant very little to us (although we pretended they did for the parents) and we all got out of there within a couple years. Two of the teachers I worked with were hung over every Monday and one got high in her car every lunch. This was a well respected daycare, too.

As someone who was abused by their "vetted nanny who truly loved me" I agree with OP that it's not always a guarantee and a lot of carer abuse goes under the radar. Also nearly every nanny I see at the park on on a walk with the kid is on their phone/disengaged. You can't possibly think that a nanny or anyone just LOVE LOVE LOVES being engaged 24/7 with *your* 1yo. I'm a SAHM right now and what I also see and hear at the park is a lot of nannies balking at vaccination and other covid safety measures. So, OPs post makes a lot of sense. It just isn't your POV and you can't handle it.

A lot of posters here making daycare out to be some big bad place. Your experience is that nobody cared and perhaps that was true in your environment. But not ever place is like that. Just like not every nanny is a stable, loving presence, committed to a child's learning, development, socialization and emotional wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t say I can relate. I love dropping my kid off at daycare! But I’m also a single mom and I NEED A BREAK.

I love it too and I'm married! Some of these moms are weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.

I’m hearing “daycare is cheaper”. Sorry, OP. NP here and I’m not buying it either.

Why? I’m not OP but I felt exactly the same way. I just couldn’t trust one person that much. Absolutely fine if you could but not everyone feels that way. I don’t really think daycare was cheaper once we had two there either…

My kids had good and bad periods at daycare. Bizarrely the first two years were great and then some developmental difficulties showed up for the older that made certain parts of organized care not right for her. We had to switch to a different program and while we were figuring that out it was *awful*. I came very close to quitting. That kid is now doing great in elementary school and hope is ok despite some challenges.

But I felt some guilt even when things were going well. I would love to have been home the first year with each kid and tried to make their days as short as possible. Idk I wish there were more options since I win a field that doesn’t look kindly on extended time out of the workforce.

That makes no sense to me! You trust strangers in a daycare that you didn’t even background check who make minimum wage and have two other babies to care for but not one vetted nanny who will truly love your child?

I will never understand this rationalization. Especially after working in daycare. We were all well meaning and kind women but the kids meant very little to us (although we pretended they did for the parents) and we all got out of there within a couple years. Two of the teachers I worked with were hung over every Monday and one got high in her car every lunch. This was a well respected daycare, too.

Daycares are licensed by the state (and trust me, the inspections ding them for tiny things like not labeling cups "correctly"). Nannies are not. Background checks don't catch crazy personalities. I thought I loved our former nanny but she turned out to be an antivaxxer.

[Anonymous]

There is at least one daycare badger on this board that claims to have worked at a well-respected daycare with horror stories.

Of course there are bad daycares, and there are bad nannies. And there are wonderful examples of both, too.

Stop trying to guilt people who make different parenting decisions than you, and stop taking their choices as a reflection of your choices. It’s so toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is at least one daycare badger on this board that claims to have worked at a well-respected daycare with horror stories.

Of course there are bad daycares, and there are bad nannies. And there are wonderful examples of both, too.

Stop trying to guilt people who make different parenting decisions than you, and stop taking their choices as a reflection of your choices. It’s so toxic.

I’m not the daycare-badger. But has anyone worked in a daycare who then sent their kids to daycare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is at least one daycare badger on this board that claims to have worked at a well-respected daycare with horror stories.

Of course there are bad daycares, and there are bad nannies. And there are wonderful examples of both, too.

Stop trying to guilt people who make different parenting decisions than you, and stop taking their choices as a reflection of your choices. It’s so toxic.

I’m not the daycare-badger. But has anyone worked in a daycare who then sent their kids to daycare?

Yes, our last daycare had many teachers who had their kids in the school. It was Montessori based and felt more like a preschool even though it started with infants and offered full-day care.

OP, maybe you haven’t found the right fit yet? I also like daycares because of the multiple adults and oversight from administration & state licensing. I am touring schools again now in our new town, and there is such a range of styles even within competent, safe ones.