Daycare guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you currently working from home, OP? If yes, get a nanny for your baby for the next six months and reevaluate in the summer. A one year old doesn’t need socialization but does benefit greatly from one-on-one attention from a living caregiver. And a good nanny will keep your baby engaged and safe. And you can see her a few times during the day.

+1. Even if you aren’t home, this will make you more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I opened this thread because I misread the title and thought it said “Daycare quilt,” and I was interested in reading about quilting, lol. But now that I’m here, I’ll share something with you. I’m a SAHM. I used to feel so much guilt over having my kids at home with me rather than at a daycare setting because I’m no expert on early childhood development, and I didn’t have a curriculum or cool school supplies, and I didn’t know what was “normal” for kids their age, and I had no formal experience with children, and 95% of my kids’ socialization was only with each other. All the kids I knew who were in daycare were well socialized and bright and busy doing fun things and had structured days, and I imagined they could run circles around my kids. I’ve also worried a lot about the fact that I’m not modeling being a working professional for them.

Mommy guilt is real and we all feel it, no matter what choices we make. If you didn’t feel guilty about this, you’d be beating yourself up about something else. I agree with a pp that if this thought persists and is intrusive, even though your daycare is great and your children are thriving, you probably should talk to your doctor about possible ppd.

What a thoughtful post.
WOHM here who always feels guilty, even though older DD absolutely thrived in our daycare, and younger DD loves going to her “school” now, too. 100% agree with everything PP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one whose heart drops when I take my kids to daycare? Our center has cameras and everytime I check in, I feel something close to grief when I see my little girls there. For many reasons, nannies/au pair/home daycare aren't for us. We love our daycare and our kids are thriving. I just can't NOT feel my heart sink, to the point of feeling like I want to cry, every time I think of them being there.

Please don't be harsh. I feel like something is wrong with me.

How old are your daughters?

[Anonymous]

I had a lot of guilt even leaving them w a nanny but realized it was because of my upbringing, and I needed to leave that behind . Traditional comfortable LDS family. I was raised by a SAHM, I didn’t even have an occasional sitter that wasn’t immediate family. Literally everyone on our nice street was a SAHM w multiple kids and a professional dad who worked.

[Anonymous]

Anyway op, this is the pp, you should think about what is causing you to feel this way, it isn’t healthy, it may be something about your own upbringing. I realized that it was ok to challenge these ideas from my upbringing and there are good things like more independence I’m giving my kids compared to my childhood

[Anonymous]

No I don't feel guilty. I started my DD in daycare a little later (14 months) so it wasn't like dropping an infant off, maybe I would've felt guilty then. But no. I have to work and she is loved and cuddled and thriving there.

[Anonymous]

I was a 3-year old in day care and loved it!

[Anonymous]

It is totally natural to not want to be away from your 1 yo all day. Yes daycare works for a lot of families and the kids do great, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong if you feel bad about it. A 1 yo and a 3 yo are at totally different developmental stages. It bothers me when people attribute wanting to be with your young child to “guilt.” If it really bothers you that much to put her in daycare, maybe you should explore staying home. You only live once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

You might have ppd, check with your doctors.

DCUM loves to throw around PPD. It’s so sad that it might be considered a mental illness to miss your 1yo terribly when you’re away from her.

Wouldn’t OP miss both her kids if that were the case? OP cries thinking about her baby in daycare when she’s home with her baby! That’s far beyond missing.

NP. 1 yo’s and 3 yo’s are totally different. That’s like saying why does OP not want her 7 yo at boarding school, since she has no problems with her 18 yo going away to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody wants to hear this, but it is totally unnatural for mammals to abandon their infant for 8-10 hours a day.

I see you are no biologist.

+1. Some mammals eat their young, too, in nature. Is that what we should be striving for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My one year old has bawled (tears and screaming) at dropoff and pickup every day since we started daycare at the begining of Sept. He's the only one crying hysterically each morning.

I feel like shit dropping him off every day. At what point do we accept daycare is not for him? If he's still crying in January?

OP here. I want to clarify that this post was not written by me! My 1yo does not bawl every morning. She mostly goes happily to her teachers. Sometimes she cries (like this AM) but we had been out of daycare for a few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody wants to hear this, but it is totally unnatural for mammals to abandon their infant for 8-10 hours a day.

I see you are no biologist.

+1. Some mammals eat their young, too, in nature. Is that what we should be striving for?

Yes, this is some "nature = always good" fallacy at play right here. You know what is also present in nature (and in prehistoric human societies)? Alloparenting -- the rearing of offspring by a group or tribe of relatives. "It takes a village" is validated by biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody wants to hear this, but it is totally unnatural for mammals to abandon their infant for 8-10 hours a day.

I see you are no biologist.

+1. Some mammals eat their young, too, in nature. Is that what we should be striving for?

Yes, this is some "nature = always good" fallacy at play right here. You know what is also present in nature (and in prehistoric human societies)? Alloparenting -- the rearing of offspring by a group or tribe of relatives. "It takes a village" is validated by biology.

Yup. It is incredibly rare for mammal mothers to care for offspring on their own for more than short postpartum period (which is also partly about the mother recovering from birth). Humans only started doing this within the second half of the last century -- the idea of a SAHM or housewife on her own with no help (whether extended family or community, or hired help) is incredibly new and has never worked particularly well.

And I say that as someone who SAHMed for two years and actually really liked it. It has it's perks. But it's not "natural" which is why many SAHMs dedicate a huge percentage of their energy to looking for connection and community. It's instinctual to seek out the safety and security of a group when caring for a young child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody wants to hear this, but it is totally unnatural for mammals to abandon their infant for 8-10 hours a day.

I see you are no biologist.

+1. Some mammals eat their young, too, in nature. Is that what we should be striving for?

Yes, this is some "nature = always good" fallacy at play right here. You know what is also present in nature (and in prehistoric human societies)? Alloparenting -- the rearing of offspring by a group or tribe of relatives. "It takes a village" is validated by biology.

Yup. It is incredibly rare for mammal mothers to care for offspring on their own for more than short postpartum period (which is also partly about the mother recovering from birth). Humans only started doing this within the second half of the last century -- the idea of a SAHM or housewife on her own with no help (whether extended family or community, or hired help) is incredibly new and has never worked particularly well.

And I say that as someone who SAHMed for two years and actually really liked it. It has it's perks. But it's not "natural" which is why many SAHMs dedicate a huge percentage of their energy to looking for connection and community. It's instinctual to seek out the safety and security of a group when caring for a young child.

Yes! In my grandma's era, you either had a group of fellow SAHMs in your neighborhood or at your church that hung out together, or you had your mother come stay with you for a month or two, or you had a "baby nurse" or nanny. Or some combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im OP. My kids are 1 and 3.

We have been through a few nannies that we liked, but weren't as covid safe as the daycare we are in (older DD was there pre pandemic). My kids were getting no social time because we didnt know if the random park friends were on our risk level/vaccinated etc.

I feel guilt that im not there with them. Mostly with my 1yo. 3yo is in love with the place!!! But my 1yo... I just see her toddling around there and feel like I have abandoned her. It just feels so wrong. I honestly want to cry just thinking about it

Geez, how is it possible to be so covid unsafe that daycare is safer?! That simply isn’t possible, OP. And you don’t know if outdoor park friends share your covid risk level but you trust the parents and families of every kid in indoor daycare and every teacher and their families ?!!

You’re definitely feeling guilty about something, OP. But no one can help you if you aren’t honest.

OP here. If I'm not honest? Are you kidding me?

Our daycare center has been as covid safe as is humanly possible. All teachers are vaccinated. It's a small center, I know most of the parents and know that they too are vaccinated. Ou nanny was lovely but some people have reasons not to want a nanny/au pair/etc in their home. Some people, myself included, prefer the accountability of a daycare vs 1:1 with someone who has total control over the kids. This has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with not needing to give you every reason behind our family's decisions.

I suffered from PPA and am speaking to a therapist about my guilt dropping off our daughter. I don't feel guilt about my older daughter anymore because she loves daycare and communicates about it with me. At first yes i DID Feel awful about her going there.