Losing interest in raising kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are doing an adequate job. You aren’t a particularly good mom, but you are meeting the minimum requirement of parenting and are not abusing or neglecting them I guess. But you aren’t doing the things that will nurture a strong and loving relationship, so just don’t be surprised and bitter when your kids aren’t interested in you when they grow up and move away. You get back what you put it and what you can expect is a cordial but distant relationship with them when you are older. But yeah, you are adequate.

+2 exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, disregard the obvious pot stirrers.

I have two wonderful little kids, they are easy, they are cute, loving, hilarious and I still just want to go away for a month. Oh and I have an awesome husband whose job is more flexible than mine so he does more than his share.

The pandemic has been incredibly stressful for everyone, even those only indirectly affected. It's been 18 months of ups and downs with a constant mental weight of making the right decisions about everything. With tweens and teens, I imagine it's been even harder.

I agree with PPs that you should outsource as much as possible (meals, cleaning, tutoring) and make a plan to be available and "switched on" for them at least during dinner and a planned activity every weekend. They don't need you to be the perfect parent every second of every day, they just need to know they can come to you when needed. They will know this if you can remind them regularly by setting some time aside to connect daily and weekly.

You are doing fine and your kids will be fine, OP.

You just called your kids wonderful. You are clearly not in the same boat as the OP. Your kids will be fine. Hers may not be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For all the suggestions that they go live with dad, there is a reason why they are not. He is overseas in a place that is not great for kids and does not have a sport system there either. The kids both have devices and they can talk to him whenever they want.

That is not a relationship with Dad and they CAN go live with DAD but you don't want them to. Probably you don't want to give up the child support money. It doesn't sound like you have a support system either. Kids should go live with Dad.

[Anonymous]

Cooking meals for them is showing love. Keeping a nice house for them is showing love. Shuffling them to activities is showing love. You are more than enough. It’s ok to Be tired. It’s ok Give up sometimes. You are human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are doing an adequate job. You aren’t a particularly good mom, but you are meeting the minimum requirement of parenting and are not abusing or neglecting them I guess. But you aren’t doing the things that will nurture a strong and loving relationship, so just don’t be surprised and bitter when your kids aren’t interested in you when they grow up and move away. You get back what you put it and what you can expect is a cordial but distant relationship with them when you are older. But yeah, you are adequate.

Guess how I know you don’t have kids…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are doing an adequate job. You aren’t a particularly good mom, but you are meeting the minimum requirement of parenting and are not abusing or neglecting them I guess. But you aren’t doing the things that will nurture a strong and loving relationship, so just don’t be surprised and bitter when your kids aren’t interested in you when they grow up and move away. You get back what you put it and what you can expect is a cordial but distant relationship with them when you are older. But yeah, you are adequate.

Guess how I know you don’t have kids…

I agree with this and I have multiple kids, but please, do go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, and feel for you. I don't really have any good advice but I will say, please don't beat yourself up for letting your tween and teen hang out and do what they want, or for not being more involved in their schooling. There are plenty of us here old enough to remember growing up in exactly that sort of environment. My dad worked very, very long hours when I was young and passed away when I was in high school, and my mom was very involved in sports and activities of her own with her own friends. My sister and I definitely spent our middle and high school years pretty unfettered, watching whatever we wanted on TV for as long as we wanted, playing endless hours of video games (so, so much Tetris and Mario Bros...my brain basically still shows me everything set in 8 bit pixels, haha), getting our own meals, etc. Back then parents were not nearly so into their kids schoolwork/sports as a general rule; it was more like, "you need to catch a ride with so-and-so if you want to play in that game because I can't drive you." We are now both perfectly happy, healthy, well-adjusted and functional adults and have a great relationship with each other and our mom - and I'm so happy especially now we've moved out that my mom DOES have a thriving social life and always has, it's keeping her young and happy herself. Hang in there.

This so much!! It sounds like OP is doing a fine job raising her kids, even if modern standards seem to suggest parents be a thousand percent focused on programming and supervising their kids’ lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children are not dogs that you can rehome when you "lose interest."
All parents feel the way you do from time to time, but you have to get through it.

This, 100%
I'm shocked that so many people think OP's complete apathy towards her children, one of whom is still quite young, is acceptable and even a sign of a good parent.
Her posts read as if she doesn't actually like her children and would be far more interested in living single and child-free.

[Anonymous]

I agree.

I am one of these parents who has my 1 year old do 30 minute independent play sessions multiple times a day so that I can get other stuff done, who works 60 hour weeks frequently and I have 1-2 days a week when I get home too late to see the baby awake, andstil travels for work for 1 week at a time and therefore do not see the baby for a few days. My point is I have a full life outside of the baby.

But all I can say is that my baby is an absolute joy (sure, not fun when he throws his food on the floor or screams his head off in a tantrum) but could not be more wonderful and I am so grateful for the privilege of being his mother. While again, there's plenty many things that I still want to do outside of having him.

It's the tone that is scary with you OP - the apathy, the disenchantment, the coldness.

I am worried you might suffer from depression. Please go get checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are doing an adequate job. You aren’t a particularly good mom, but you are meeting the minimum requirement of parenting and are not abusing or neglecting them I guess. But you aren’t doing the things that will nurture a strong and loving relationship, so just don’t be surprised and bitter when your kids aren’t interested in you when they grow up and move away. You get back what you put it and what you can expect is a cordial but distant relationship with them when you are older. But yeah, you are adequate.

Guess how I know you don’t have kids…

I agree with this and I have multiple kids, but please, do go on.

+1.

“It’s hanging on when your heart has had enough. It’s giving more when you feel like giving up.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, disregard the obvious pot stirrers.

I have two wonderful little kids, they are easy, they are cute, loving, hilarious and I still just want to go away for a month. Oh and I have an awesome husband whose job is more flexible than mine so he does more than his share.

The pandemic has been incredibly stressful for everyone, even those only indirectly affected. It's been 18 months of ups and downs with a constant mental weight of making the right decisions about everything. With tweens and teens, I imagine it's been even harder.

I agree with PPs that you should outsource as much as possible (meals, cleaning, tutoring) and make a plan to be available and "switched on" for them at least during dinner and a planned activity every weekend. They don't need you to be the perfect parent every second of every day, they just need to know they can come to you when needed. They will know this if you can remind them regularly by setting some time aside to connect daily and weekly.

You are doing fine and your kids will be fine, OP.

You just called your kids wonderful. You are clearly not in the same boat as the OP. Your kids will be fine. Hers may not be.

I was making a point. The point is that even with "easy" kids i feel the need to take a real break. OP shouldn't be made to feel inadequate by those who are not carrying her weight. What does that accomplish except the PP putting OP down feeling momentarily better about him/herseld?

[Anonymous]

I don't really see the problem with what you're doing, OP. You cook meals, take them to sports, etc.

I don't blame you for being exhausted. I'm not sure what the huge problem is re: screen time as long as they are otherwise healthy, not generally couch potatoes, have friends outside of screens, etc.

Is there a reason you can't hire a babysitter and go out more often? I mean duh you can't just check out every night, but I don't see why one or two nights out a week wouldn't be unsatisfactory for you or them.

I'm wondering more about how you respond to them when they ask for your help or ask you to do something with them. I think the real problem would be if when they come to to you with a problem or want affection, you reject them because you're exhausted. Or if they are interested in doing something else on the weekend but you won't take them. if that is happening, then I might be worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are doing an adequate job. You aren’t a particularly good mom, but you are meeting the minimum requirement of parenting and are not abusing or neglecting them I guess. But you aren’t doing the things that will nurture a strong and loving relationship, so just don’t be surprised and bitter when your kids aren’t interested in you when they grow up and move away. You get back what you put it and what you can expect is a cordial but distant relationship with them when you are older. But yeah, you are adequate.

Guess how I know you don’t have kids…

You guessed wrong. I have two kids that I adore am am very close with —one in high school and one in college. And one mother in law who was never much interested in being a mom to my DH after her divorce. My husband pays duty visits to her about once every three months; she lives six miles away. Now that she is retired and alone she tries to demand his attention and he just does the bare minimum. Not out of spite or bad feelings per se; we just literally don’t think of her much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are doing an adequate job. You aren’t a particularly good mom, but you are meeting the minimum requirement of parenting and are not abusing or neglecting them I guess. But you aren’t doing the things that will nurture a strong and loving relationship, so just don’t be surprised and bitter when your kids aren’t interested in you when they grow up and move away. You get back what you put it and what you can expect is a cordial but distant relationship with them when you are older. But yeah, you are adequate.

Guess how I know you don’t have kids…

You guessed wrong. I have two kids that I adore am am very close with —one in high school and one in college. And one mother in law who was never much interested in being a mom to my DH after her divorce. My husband pays duty visits to her about once every three months; she lives six miles away. Now that she is retired and alone she tries to demand his attention and he just does the bare minimum. Not out of spite or bad feelings per se; we just literally don’t think of her much.

You have no idea. OP is meeting the needs of her kids. That is being a mother. They aren’t abused, neglected, or being rejected.
They don’t really seem to want additional attention from OP- which is common for many teens. I would agree more with you if OPs kids seemed to need
more of her and she was rejecting them or ignoring their needs. But she isn’t and they aren’t. So- you have no idea
what their relationship will be like with her when they are adults. Your kids may move to New Zealand and call you twice
Per year. You
Don’t know

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are falling victim to your own expectations? You were super mom before and think that’s what you should be doing? And since you can’t, it’s better just to give up on it.

That’s a type of perfectionism many people have, although usually about work and hobbies. Therapy could maybe help identify these feelings.

I’m sure you can find the balance where you can date and socialize and still be a reasonable parent. An 80s parent maybe which I’m starting to think could be better for kids than this hovering nonsense