Losing interest in raising kids
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Anonymous
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I don’t know where to post this.
Long story short, I am raising my tween and teen while their dad is overseas. We’re divorced. I work full time from home. Just 40 hours a week but it’s a critical position on understaffed team and every minute counts and we are doing big things, so when I am working I am 100% focused on it. At the end of the day after work and chores I am exhausted. I am already doing the absolute minimum when it comes to things like cleaning, laundry, self care, yard work, making sure there is food in the house. I do cook a few good meals each week with extra for leftovers. I take the kids to their sports practices and meets but minimally involved with the team. I am minimally involved in their schooling and not pushing extracurriculars other than their sport. When we are all at home, and they want to Zoom or play computer games with their friends for hours, I let them, so that the house will be quiet. When they are not on screens, all they want to do is play and roughhouse and aren’t interested in much beyond the dogs and my daughter’s art. I’m just not that interested anymore. I want to move back to the city, throw myself into my career, date, and go out with friends. Which is kind of what I’ve been doing. I wish someone else would raise them for a while - someone with the patience to help the kids disengage from screens (we try to be screen-free one day each weekend but I’m finding it’s getting harder) and someone who actually wants to engage with them. I just don’t. I want to to other things. I have no energy for this. When they were little I was a SAHM, maybe even a helicopter mom, but now I don’t care so much what they do as long as they are basically happy and healthy. I totally wish I could afford boarding school for the older one. He’s an extrovert and that’s one reason I let him play online so much. That’s it! Vent over. |
Anonymous
| Can you send them to dad's for winter break and the summer? You're burned out. |
Anonymous
| Can you hire some outside help. A house cleaner? |
Anonymous
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OP, it sounds like you're a great individual, as well as a great parent.
Can you explain what you think you're missing? |
Anonymous
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You say you're doing the cooking and cleaning. Time for them to learn these chores themself perhaps? This age is perfect for wanting increased independence and responsibility.
Sounds like you wrapped them in cotton wool. Why not try teaching them some practicalities? |
Anonymous
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First of all, hugs. It's tough to single parent and your kids are at tough ages.
If I were you, I would focus on just having positive interactions. Doing activities one on one with each of them that you and they enjoy? Obviously they need food in the house and the basics, but don't overlook that pretty soon they will be adults and you won't be "parenting " them anymore. It sounds like you might be missing enjoying the people they are. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry, OP, and feel for you. I don't really have any good advice but I will say, please don't beat yourself up for letting your tween and teen hang out and do what they want, or for not being more involved in their schooling. There are plenty of us here old enough to remember growing up in exactly that sort of environment. My dad worked very, very long hours when I was young and passed away when I was in high school, and my mom was very involved in sports and activities of her own with her own friends. My sister and I definitely spent our middle and high school years pretty unfettered, watching whatever we wanted on TV for as long as we wanted, playing endless hours of video games (so, so much Tetris and Mario Bros...my brain basically still shows me everything set in 8 bit pixels, haha), getting our own meals, etc. Back then parents were not nearly so into their kids schoolwork/sports as a general rule; it was more like, "you need to catch a ride with so-and-so if you want to play in that game because I can't drive you." We are now both perfectly happy, healthy, well-adjusted and functional adults and have a great relationship with each other and our mom - and I'm so happy especially now we've moved out that my mom DOES have a thriving social life and always has, it's keeping her young and happy herself. Hang in there. |
Anonymous
| You need a break! A vacation without the kids. Are you reasonably close with any of their friends parents? I would totally take in a friend of my kids for a week so their mom could go on vacation! Ask around! |
Anonymous
| Cut yourself a break. Sign them up for more activities if you want them to engage off screen. Otherwise, take it easy. I am a single parent and I HATE that there are dinners where I allow screens but sometimes I need that time. |
Anonymous
| You sound like you are doing great as a mom fwiw. |
Anonymous
| I'm a single mom of an 11th grader and I often feel the same way. I'm ready for the marathon to end. I'm tired. I hate cooking so I don't do more than heating stuff up (I'm heating up a lasagne now). |
Anonymous
| If you are serious about boarding school and your son is interested, a lot of boarding schools give financial aid. We are a new boarding school family (full pay) and I was surprised by the percentage of students receiving substantial aid. |
Anonymous
They make their own lunches and do their own laundry. They can prepare basic food on their own. They clean, when I have the energy to make them do it. What you might be missing here is that I have barely enough energy to do minimal things and no interest in spending more energy on dealing with pushback or doing a lot of teaching. Yeah yeah I know. |
Anonymous
Can you see your family doctor to screen for depression? I'm sorry you're having a hard time. |
Anonymous
| This may be exactly what kids need. The idea that we need to hover over and control everything is pretty new, and only time will tell if it’s better. You sound like you are parenting the way my parents in the 80’s did and I turned out ok. |