Would it bother you if your husband wanted to be buried beside his first wife and child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father in law lost his first wife to cancer. He remarried and had a beautiful second love who respected his loss. He is now buried next to first wife and she has the plot on the other side. She isn’t upset about it at all. It tells the true story and he loved both wives very much. She has no jealousy.

What a beautiful story of love and generosity.

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP of the DIL vs nieces and nephews thread? If not, you should meet them. You have a lot in common v

[Anonymous]

No, I haven’t read that thread. I hope you aren’t insulting me, but I’ll check it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father in law lost his first wife to cancer. He remarried and had a beautiful second love who respected his loss. He is now buried next to first wife and she has the plot on the other side. She isn’t upset about it at all. It tells the true story and he loved both wives very much. She has no jealousy.

I think this is lovely and it is what SJ would try to do. If there is only one plot, I would have both of us cremated and interred together.

[Anonymous]

You don’t get to own someone’s love. It’s not a competition, and love isn’t some kind of finite resource. He can love his first wife and love his second wife. Being a widow /widower is a whole different set of circumstances It’s not like a divorce. Life (or death) cuts the future short, not the love itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who finds it bizarre how much people care about where their body decomposes? You are dead people!!

I don’t care about dead bodies and it seems bizarre to care about being buried alone. But a husband who would rather be buried with his first wife would make me think that he was never as happy with me as with her, and that would be hurtful, after a lifetime and children together. It’s the desire that would hurt, not the actuality of who is buried where or with whom. I think I would be ok with him wanting to be buried with both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who finds it bizarre how much people care about where their body decomposes? You are dead people!!

I don’t care about dead bodies and it seems bizarre to care about being buried alone. But a husband who would rather be buried with his first wife would make me think that he was never as happy with me as with her, and that would be hurtful, after a lifetime and children together. It’s the desire that would hurt, not the actuality of who is buried where or with whom. I think I would be ok with him wanting to be buried with both of us.

DP. Why would you assume all that though? He probably feels guilty about all of the things he was able to experience and his deceased family was not. Also maybe he told the first wife he would be buried next to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who finds it bizarre how much people care about where their body decomposes? You are dead people!!

I don’t care about dead bodies and it seems bizarre to care about being buried alone. But a husband who would rather be buried with his first wife would make me think that he was never as happy with me as with her, and that would be hurtful, after a lifetime and children together. It’s the desire that would hurt, not the actuality of who is buried where or with whom. I think I would be ok with him wanting to be buried with both of us.

DP. Why would you assume all that though? He probably feels guilty about all of the things he was able to experience and his deceased family was not. Also maybe he told the first wife he would be buried next to her?

It seems like a logical assumption. If he told me he’d made that promise or was somehow trying to assuage guilt (seems line a weird solution, but on, for the sake of argument), perhaps that would feel differently, but that wasn’t part of the hypothetical question.

[Anonymous]

Won’t it be up to you anyway? Can’t you bury him wherever you pay for? You could even cremate him, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father in law lost his first wife to cancer. He remarried and had a beautiful second love who respected his loss. He is now buried next to first wife and she has the plot on the other side. She isn’t upset about it at all. It tells the true story and he loved both wives very much. She has no jealousy.

What a beautiful story of love and generosity.

This. I was involved in purchasing graves for a widow when the partner was dying. 3 graves were purchased together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father in law lost his first wife to cancer. He remarried and had a beautiful second love who respected his loss. He is now buried next to first wife and she has the plot on the other side. She isn’t upset about it at all. It tells the true story and he loved both wives very much. She has no jealousy.

What a beautiful story of love and generosity.

This happened with my parents. My dad was married to both for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard for me to formulate an answer, because I just can't understand caring at all. When you're dead you're dead. Even if you believe in some sort of afterlife, your body is just a corpse. Burial itself seems odd to me. But I appreciate other people feel differently.

As you what it says about the relationship, I don't think too much. There is no right answer here. A second wife, assuming a widower, is not inherently any better or worse than a first wife, right? Or more loved? So either way someone this man was deeply in love with and shared a life with is "alone." If the second wife would be upset, why wouldn't the first? (Of course, that is absurd, but the whole premise is that feelings can somehow be hurt after death?)

This. All these people saying that wanting to be buried with his first wife means he never loved or valued his second wife -- well, doesn't wanting to be buried with his second wife mean he never loved or valued his first wife? Isn't that awful, too? If the first spouse died, especially if the first spouse and child both died, I would imagine that's a trauma and a grief that lingers. I wouldn't assume that my husband didn't ever really love me, or value me, or care about me, just because he wanted to be buried next to his first spouse, assuming she died and they didn't divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t get to own someone’s love. It’s not a competition, and love isn’t some kind of finite resource. He can love his first wife and love his second wife. Being a widow /widower is a whole different set of circumstances It’s not like a divorce. Life (or death) cuts the future short, not the love itself.

+1

I'd guess that a lot of people saying stuff here are really thinking about divorce, not death. My cousin married a widow with kids, and they had kids together, too. He is well aware that his wife loved her first husband, and that their marriage ended because he died (tragically and very young), not because they divorced. It's not a competition. She loves my cousin, but she also grieves her first (who was the father of her first two children).

[Anonymous]

My uncle was buried next to his first wife and his second wife was burred on the other side of him. This is in a smallish town so many members of his family are buried in the same area of the cemetery. To me it shows that he loved both his wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was buried next to his first wife and his second wife was burred on the other side of him. This is in a smallish town so many members of his family are buried in the same area of the cemetery. To me it shows that he loved both his wives.

Yes. To me this makes sense and shows consideration for the new wife.