Q: Catholic Funeral

[Anonymous]

I'm in the awful position of coordinating a Catholic funeral mass for a relative. Having never done this before, I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do. I've called the church, set up a date and time. I'm primarily concerned about whether there are any customary fees or tips? I'm guessing I won't be billed for anything, correct? Am I supposed to tip the priest afterwards? Hand him a thank you card with some cash in an envelope? If so, how much?

Unfortunately, I can't think of anyone IRL to ask the question.

[Anonymous]

Donations to church, priest, musicians...$100...the church secretary can tell you what is typical for your area.

Typically you select people to do the Old and New Testament readings and the Prayers of the Faithful. And people to carry up the gifts.



http://olpmn.org/funeral-planning

[Anonymous]

You will meet with somebody and you will pick readings but they will give you a list or pick them for you if you want.

You can pick music or they will do the old standards.

You can pick somebody to talk or the priest will just do the speaking.

You will choose a full mass or not a full mass. 1/2 hour vs 1 hour (with communion)

You can pick somebody to carry the "gifts" but that is only if there is a full mass with communion. (If there is some your children this is a good job for them.)

You can pick somebody to do the 2 readings or you can have somebody from the church do that.

Generally family or friends do a reading and say some words.

Is there a burial?
Usually there is a reception afterwards at somebody's house with food and drink, does not have to be fancy.

[Anonymous]

Thanks.

Doing a full mass. No burial. Catered reception at our home.

[Anonymous]

Songs must all be religious.

Meet with the priest. He will give the homily.

For my mom, we did a eulogy separate from the homily given by the priest.

The mass will be a purely religious ceremony. If you have several people wanting to give eulogies, you might want to have a small memorial service at the funeral home before they take the remains over to the church for mass.

[Anonymous]

These days most/all churches limit you to two SHORT eulogies at almost end of mass. If you want more you should make a formal time at the reception.

You should 'donate' $100-$300 to church (feel free to ask what is customary!) and if there is an organist and vocalist please do at least $75-$100 per (vocalist will sometimes just charge if you ask to have one.) Also as a courtesy - invite the priest to the reception after. Doubtful that he'd come but a very nice gesture. Also see you you can donate altar flowers?

[Anonymous]

My kid is an altar server. For weddings/funerals, etc, they do extra than their normally scheduled allotment of services, so it is customary to tip them. I cannot remember the amount, which of course varies because it's a tip, but it definitely should not be more than $20 per server.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to stress you out but give some thought to who should do a reading.

I went with a relative to plan the funeral for her dad.

There were 2 readings and someone with whom the deceased had a falling out assumed they'd be reading. Nope.

Choose close family members, friends, people who go to church often (so they can pronounce the words).

For songs, a few that come up often are:
Eagle's Wings
Ave Maria
Amazing Grace
Water is Wide

Also Eye of the Sparrow (traditionally African American)

You Are Mine
Hear I Am Lord
You Are Near

You should bring some envelopes with $20 in them. (Like 6 or 8) and don't seal them.
Ask the secretary or the usher "is there anyone we'd want to show gratitude to for their service who is not covered by the church's fee" or somethng like that. They may say, "there will be 2 altar servers". These are kids and the volunteer. No need to get them a $50 gift. Just a small thank you, like a $20. An organist had to practice the music and take some time, so I'd offer them more (if it isn't covered).

I have played music at funerals/weddings for $150. However, the church may have a different situation.

Sometimes a church makes a program. I don't love this practice. You might want to ask about it and if so, select a photo.


I am sorry you are dealing with this. I don't know your loved one, but they are on my prayer list.

[Anonymous]

Tipping altar servers? Really?

That must be new. I went to catholic school K-12, and I remember the boys (because it was only boys back then) being thrilled to get out of class to do a funeral mass---and they would brag on the rare occasion they received $10.

Does everyone really tip the altar servers?

[Anonymous]

I've never heard of tipping altar boys/girls

But definitely do the Eagle's Wings song. Water works...

[Anonymous]

The church should have someone who can spell it all out for you. Dont be afraid to ask them.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if these are still a thing, but some of my family have done these Mass cards. One of my cousins had no idea about these and we had to rush an order when her mom freaked out that we wouldn't have these to hand out.

I have to admit that I like them- and if you personalize the dates they can be a reminder to call someone on important anniversary dates.

https://www.catholiccompany.com/funeral%2Dprayer%2Dcard-c1687/

And it may be because my family is Italian and Irish but our post-funeral receptions are more like a wake. We stock up our bar so that we can offer more than what we usually keep on hand.

And I know this sounds morbid, but funerals are one of the few times our family gets together. So we assign some of the kids to take photos in a quiet way. It gives them something to do, and last time one of the girls appointed herself a reporter and she asked everyone for their favorite memory of the deceased. We wrote down many of those stories as a gift to the widow and that was nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if these are still a thing, but some of my family have done these Mass cards. One of my cousins had no idea about these and we had to rush an order when her mom freaked out that we wouldn't have these to hand out.

I have to admit that I like them- and if you personalize the dates they can be a reminder to call someone on important anniversary dates.

https://www.catholiccompany.com/funeral%2Dprayer%2Dcard-c1687/

And it may be because my family is Italian and Irish but our post-funeral receptions are more like a wake. We stock up our bar so that we can offer more than what we usually keep on hand.

And I know this sounds morbid, but funerals are one of the few times our family gets together. So we assign some of the kids to take photos in a quiet way. It gives them something to do, and last time one of the girls appointed herself a reporter and she asked everyone for their favorite memory of the deceased. We wrote down many of those stories as a gift to the widow and that was nice.

Op here. I hear ya, and I've been to many funerals that were more like an Irish wake, but we can't go that route...or won't go that route...since the deceased died of alcoholism. The reception will by dry. Period.

[Anonymous]

I posted about tipping altar servers.

I am from NY and my family over-tips.
They tip the UPS guy.
They tip the trash collectors.
They bring pastery everywhere.

A dry reception sounds like a very sane idea.
Also, budget-friendly.

If the church has a parish hall, you could ask if it is possible to just have it there and bring in coffee, tea, and pasteries or sandwich trays.

You can also say no to that and just plan the mass. Left the others figure out if they want to get together afterwards.

Your "obligation" is to have them be remembered, not to plan a wedding reception.

My dad's funeral cost more than my wedding.
Those things were important to him and he pre-paid.
His wishes were clear and his friends stepped up.

Since you mention the drinking, you may find you are resentful if you have to spend a lot of $ on this.
Focus on the church, but the bonus of people who are lifelong catholics is that this stuff is very much "templated".

That tends to bring comfort to those who are left behind.
If not, you know that it takes an hour and you are done.

[Anonymous]

My child is an acolyte and we would never ever accept money for this. Please do not worry yourself with tipping altar attendants.