MILs and their different race DILs

[Anonymous]

Did your son marry a woman from a different race/culture?

How did you react? Do you respect her traditions, culture and heritage? Or are you trying to white-wash her?

I am a middle eastern woman engaged to a catholic guy and my prospective MIL is so uncomfortable at the idea. I am curious how other MILs act.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone, OP. It took my MIL a long time to come around, and I am still not convinced.

[Anonymous]

I am Jewish, my husband is Christian. My MIL was always very nice about it and sent Hanukah gifts and cards to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Jewish, my husband is Christian. My MIL was always very nice about it and sent Hanukah gifts and cards to me.

Thats so nice. My ILs do not acknowledge my holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your son marry a woman from a different race/culture?

How did you react? Do you respect her traditions, culture and heritage? Or are you trying to white-wash her?

I am a middle eastern woman engaged to a catholic guy and my prospective MIL is so uncomfortable at the idea. I am curious how other MILs act.

What do you mean "white-wash"? That is an odd expression and appears, well, racist. I hope that that is not your intent.

That aside, my DW (Latina) is facing culture clashes with her prospective DIL (South Asian). MIL/DIL relationships are difficult enough, so when people of starkly different cultures marry, havoc will often ensue. Sometimes the havoc is interpreted by Person A as Person B being "against" her culture per se, when it really is being against the effect the cultural differences have on the existing family relationship and expectations.

You are engaged to a Catholic guy. Are you Maronite? Much less clash. Orthodox? Some clash. Muslim or Jewish? More clash. Druze? ... you get the picture.

[Anonymous]

My MIL (white) has a black DIL (DH's brother's wife). She constantly says that they should divorce "Not because I care that they are different races, but I know others do, and they will always face discrimination unless they break up."

The only person discriminating against them is her. There is no reasoning with her, though. She really feels she is doing it out of love for both of them (she always brags about how much she loves and cares about her black DIL) and that is exactly because she cares about how other people treat them that she has to "protect" them. So, as a result, she encourages BIL to visit her without his wife, and tries to keep them apart a lot (encouraging BIL to take work trips, etc). It's weird. And, then she talks to them a lot about how "divorce can be a good thing." It makes us all uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

^^Holy crap that's bad!

My relationship with my Asian MIL (i'm white) is actually pretty good. Partially because she's generally a nice person, partially because DH got married late by their culture's standards (and resisted all attempts to set him up with eligible women from the homeland) so she's just grateful he's married off to anyone. And perhaps most of all because she doesn't speak English and most communication has to get filtered through DH.

[Anonymous]

Question for OP? And how do your own parents feel about this relationship?

[Anonymous]

Are your Christian or Muslim OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL (white) has a black DIL (DH's brother's wife). She constantly says that they should divorce "Not because I care that they are different races, but I know others do, and they will always face discrimination unless they break up."

The only person discriminating against them is her. There is no reasoning with her, though. She really feels she is doing it out of love for both of them (she always brags about how much she loves and cares about her black DIL) and that is exactly because she cares about how other people treat them that she has to "protect" them. So, as a result, she encourages BIL to visit her without his wife, and tries to keep them apart a lot (encouraging BIL to take work trips, etc). It's weird. And, then she talks to them a lot about how "divorce can be a good thing." It makes us all uncomfortable.

Yes, this is my favorite racist-but-pretending-it's-others-but-everyone-knows-it's-you MIL tactic. "Oh, I don't mind it, but so and so said blah blah blah." My MIL does this too, not because I'm a different race, but because I didn't change my name and we gave our daughter my last name instead of my husband's. I am in no way comparing this to the struggles of racism - this is NOTHING. My point though is that some MILs will find any reason to take issue with DILs. The sooner you don't care, the sooner you'll be happy. Your relationship with your partner is all that matters - just don't expect the narrow minded inlaws to change.

[Anonymous]

Different scenario. I married an Arab Muslim man. My parents were NOT happy. I told my mom I was engaged and she changed the subject to her recent interior decoration renovation. My husband invited the entire family to his home country on his dime, to meet his parents. And they all just laughed and said no way.

15 years out and my mother loves my husband to death. She still tried to get me to baptize the kids. And we have some tensions like that. But mostly it's all good.

[Anonymous]

I'm white, mil is black and we are buddies. She is a great mum and race has never been an issue for us. Our values are the same and dh's life misses out on the whole Dil/mil friction.

[Anonymous]

MIL is white and I'm Asian, first generation immigrant. She's mostly apathetic about my cultural background. I get the sense that it's too foreign to her and she doesn't know how to relate.

[Anonymous]

I'm South Asian descent and my white - from a very insular Mountain West culture - was the best MIL anyone could have had. I still miss her and get teary years after she's gone. She was equally awesome to my other SILs (both of whom were white, one from her culture, one not). She herself had a monster MIL and never forgot what that felt like.

[Anonymous]

My brother married an Asian woman and mom treats her like a daughter (i.e. nags, offers unsolicited advice, and call her on her birthday to Happy Birthday to her). The only awkwardness that we all face is that SIL's parents do not speak any English so when we all get together it's a bit uncomfortable because while they are super nice people all we can do is nod and smile and use google translate when SIL is not around. Now, I will say that it had been about 20 years since my brother dated a straight-up caucasian girl, so maybe mom had some time to get use to the idea!