parents visiting for more than two weeks and we don't get along

[Anonymous]

My parents and I are on good terms but I wouldn't say we enjoy each others company. My father likes to rant about politics and always look for things wrong with me or our house or something with our kids. The man just has it in for me. It's been this way for most of my life. I think he always thought his daughter would purchase a house down the block and cater to him, and it didn't work out that way. My mother and I have different personalities and if it weren't for the fact that she's my mother and I'm her daughter, we'd have nothing to do with each other.

Anyway, of course, they're nuts about their grandchildren and will do anything to see them. But our visits don't always go well. They like to stay for extended stretches, usually 2+ weeks, and they really don't want to do much other than park themselves on our sofa. We live in a nice city with a lot of activities, but alas, they prefer our sofa. The only good thing is they get a hotel room because we have a small apartment. Still, when they come over to see the kids, it's for hours on end. They bring two bags of groceries and hunker down with their pre-made sandwiches and diet cokes.

The last visit, which they promised would be for only a few days, went for a week and a half and ended with a big fight. DH tolerates them but has even said that they're visits hardly even feel special anymore because they go for so long. I mean, they go for so long that 5-year-old DS, who is usually really nice with them, starts mouthing off to them. I think he's even sick of seeing them every day for 2 weeks. We have so many points during our visits where things could just end on a high note, i.e. a nice dinner on the 6th day, but then they're here for another week, and it's all downhill with verbal spats and needing to push them out earlier and earlier just to have privacy. So, rather than agreeing that staying so long that we all start getting on each others nerves isn't a great idea, they push it more and stay nearly double the amount of time.

I've tried to tell them to cut it down. I wish I could just tell them that this isn't a way to make great memories. Quality over quality, you know? They come here with loads of presents-- even if it's one of our kid's birthdays, they buy two presents, then throughout the rest of their stay, bring more and more gifts as if every day is a birthday. By the end of the week, our livingroom is filled with forgotten and little-loved new gifts that will land at Goodwill. Just this morning they came by to play with our kids, and brought more children's books with them. I've asked them to please cut back on the books, but it falls on deaf ears.

I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this. I given them a lot of opportunity to hang out with our kids because I know that's why they're here. I don't know how to make this more pleasant other than to a) avoid my own house when they visit for so long and b) create a Goodwill bin to go along with every visit.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they dote on your kids and you should just suck it up, OP. If you need a break, tell them every 4-5 days you have x-y-z activities and they can't come over, but they're welcome the next day.

[Anonymous]

Suck it up. Take the opportunity to leave/run errands/meet friends for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Next time they propose a visit, say yes but plan to take your family out of town after a week. Communicate to them nicely that you love to see them but can only do 1 week this time. If it goes well, repeat.

[Anonymous]

Well you could visit them. Then you control the length of the visit.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do wish I could suck it up better but every visit usually culminates in a fight, i.e. my father declaring that our house is "s&it" because he knows more about house renovations than anyone else (no, he's not a contractor and has no electrical/plumbing license) or my mother insisting we don't feed our kids enough (she's from an old school Eastern European family where it's common practice to stuff yourself until you're on the verge of vomiting) or getting into a tizzy over the schools not being as wonderful as the one in her perfect neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to suck it up. I don't understand how this keeps happening. You said you told them the visits need to be shorter...so, why isn't that working? Are you being direct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do wish I could suck it up better but every visit usually culminates in a fight, i.e. my father declaring that our house is "s&it" because he knows more about house renovations than anyone else (no, he's not a contractor and has no electrical/plumbing license) or my mother insisting we don't feed our kids enough (she's from an old school Eastern European family where it's common practice to stuff yourself until you're on the verge of vomiting) or getting into a tizzy over the schools not being as wonderful as the one in her perfect neighborhood.

"Dad, since you think our house is such shit, why don't you leave?" Or "Dad, you've said this before and I've heard you. You think the house is shit. I get that. But this is where we live and we're not moving. So stop saying it. I've heard you."

SHUT. THEM. DOWN.

[Anonymous]

1. So when they say they are coming next time tell them that that visit won't work or you only have x amount of time. The key is you actually have to be gone o if they just show up you won't be there so you. DH and the kids just ake a short weekend trip out of town.

2. Your 5 year old might be tired of them, but he's also picking up on your attitude and DH's attitude with them and thinks it's okay for him to be rude. It's really not and I hope you are checking his behavior instead of excusing it.

3. It seems you are a slightly controlling, uber healthy newer mom type. Who cares if all the want to eat is sandwiches and soda? They've made it to 60 something they don't need your input in what to eat. As for activities again they know how they want to spend their time relax. I think part of the problem is you think you need to entertain them, or tell them how to play with your kids. If you are planning on doing something you think they might like, mention it once and then drop it. Feel free to go on about your business and not have to be there to micromanage play time.

4. Your dad griping about your house and you mom worrying about food is just them showing they care about you they want you to have the best so stop taking it as an insult. Learn to nod, smile, some neutral phrases, and redirect. Offer them a sandwich maybe.
Don't argue. Ignore.

5. For the gifts and toys that isn't going to stop . SO keep using goodwill. I believe they do pick ups. Or if you can swng it find a large laundry basket or stoarge bin from Wallmart and fill it. Every month donate it to a different shelter in your area This is something I do with my kids and they love to find toys and books to give to kids who don't have them. You can advertise on CL or Freecycle too for preschools or homeschoolers they are always looking for books and clothes.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this, though they at least acknowledge it and mostly keep the visits short. I have a few suggestions, though. Once we moved close enough for them to come more frequently, the visits were starting to go kind of like you describe (familiarity breeds too many old patterns, I guess, and my dad just can't maintain civil behavior for more than a couple of days).

Anyway, I finally told them to act as if they lived down the street, and so would we. We don't change our daily schedule much to accommodate them except for pre-arranged special events, so there's a lot less sitting around staring at each other. They are welcome to join us if we are taking the children somewhere, or they can stay and sit, but we aren't going to stay and sit just because they are, nor are we going to wait around for them to show up and make up their minds. We say, "Grandma and Grandpa, tomorrow DC is going to My Gym at 10. If you want to go, we're leaving at 9:45."

We also do pre-plan a few special activities, like dinners out which my parents enjoy. Sometimes my father is too grumpy to want to do anything on anybody's schedule, and this doesn't entirely work out, but he does seem more willing to admit that he was the problem when something everyone else was looking forward to doesn't happen in that case.

Finally, bedtime is your friend. Don't encourage them to hang around after DC goes to bed. "Tell G&G goodnight and we'll see them tomorrow! Mom and Dad, I need to catch up on some work after DC goes down in the evenings; can we say goodnight now?" This may take some finessing, but get them out of there when DC isn't around to limit the political stuff and provide a topic other than you and your house!

[Anonymous]

At least they aren't staying with you? We are halfway through an over 2 week visit where they are staying with us.

Next time they plan a visit (I'm hoping they tell you in advance?) indicate that days x-y work, but days after y and before x you won't be in town.

This is our plan for next time. Tactical error on our part.

[Anonymous]

At least they want to spend that much time with you and stay in a hotel. You need to take a break every 3 days and do something without them or they need to find something to do by themselves, like go to the grocery store. Fighting in a close family is almost inevitable. I spent big bucks on plane tickets to visit my family only to be insulted and picked on.

The gifts I can see as a problem. That's the problem with my ILs. It's like the kids open the gifts, and I am already in my mind thinking those will wind up at Goodwill. It's such a waste and when we told them to cut back, they didn't oblige.

[Anonymous]

I hear your parents trying to establish dominance by showing off their knowledge about home renovations and how to feed a family. They are old and used to being in charge, but now you have your own life. I think they still want to feel needed. Telling them to stay for shorter amounts of time will make them feel less needed. Why not give your dad a remodeling project to do or get your mom cooking in the kitchen (if they want to)? They might be bored and feel useless.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that.

You need to be a bit plainer and enforce consequences.

"We're thinking of visiting on dates X to Y."
- "Sorry, that's not possible, we're still recovering from your last visit. Can we discuss this at a later date?"
- "What do you mean, you don't want us to visit!?"
- "As I told you before, it's best to make your visits short and sweet, 10 days max, and not clutter our house with toys that we can't keep. They all go to Goodwill at the end of your visit."

You have the upper hand, since you control access to the kids. The important thing is to manage the situation with as much grace as you can.

[Anonymous]

hrm, there are some things for which I would draw a line in the sand. and others I would let go. "We would love to have you stay with us for a week, but no longer." You are actually in control of this. (Make up a reason if you feel like you have to have one but you don't have to have one. "it's too much of a disruption" is a fine reason).

Criticism of your house. "It's my house, Dad. If you don't like it, you can leave, but please try to be polite. We're raising our children to have good manners when they are guests in someone's home." repeat as necessary.

Gifts on the other hand, I think you should just let go. Thank them graciously and then bundle most of it off to good will as soon as you can cycle it out of your kdis' hands. Always be gracious about gifts, no matter how ill-thought-out. (And I do this everytime my inlaws visit, too). At most, you can find ways to politely suggest gifts of experience, rather than clutter.

You don't say how old the kids are. Have you considered leaving the kids with the grandparents for a few days if they can all handle that? plenty of bonding time for them; time away for you!

And, um, you may find it is easier to tolerate for shorter periods of time. Check your own tone for defensiveness/criticism/etc. Suggest family outings. Easier to gin up this kind of tolerance and energy for shorter visits, which then become more fun for everyone.