please tell me about living accommodations during separation--"sharing" your home and a rental?
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Anonymous
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We are separating and trying to discuss living arrangements.
We own a home in the FAR out suburbs. I am a SAHM to older kids. He works closer in (commute is more than 1 hour). He leaves the house to begin his commute around 5:30 am and returns home around 5 pm. The older children are the first to leave for school in the morning (by about 2 hours) and the younger one is too young to get himself off to the bus stop reliably, so if (when) I go back to work, we would need to arrange for childcare. I have been a SAHM almost our entire marriage (I got pregnant right after we married) so it will take me a LONG time, and possibly I will need to get more up to date education/training, before I can get a decent job. He thinks I should move out of the home, get a 1 bedroom apartment somewhere close by and visit with the kids whenever I want. We have a neighbor that offers before school care in her home so he wants to hire her to watch our youngest child in the mornings. I think it's ridiculous to hire someone to watch my kid when I will likely be just sitting in an apartment a few miles a way (depending on when I am able to find a job, and also what the schedule is/how early I need to leave for work when I do.) His reasoning for wanting to be the primary custody parent is that recently, he has been taking the kids to their evening activities more than I have. This is true--over the last couple years they have been participating in more activities that HE (my husband) is involved in--boy scouts, football, etc. My husband is more active in those activities (assistant coaching, adult leadership, etc.) so he has been the one to bring them to MORE practices. However, I am still the one that attends the less "consistent" events (orchestra/choir concerts, back to school nights, other "one off" events) We have four kids so during the school year, most nights there are at least 2 activities going on that kids need transportation/attending parent--it just happens that he usually takes on the more "consistent ones" and I tend to take on the "just this week" ones. Also I am the one to arrange all dental appointments, doctors appointments, etc. that occur during the day when he is at work. I think HE should move to an apartment (maybe closer to his work to help his commute?) and visit the kids whenever he wants. If I am able to get a job relatively soon, we could still hire the neighbor for childcare, if needed to accommodate my work schedule. Money IS an issue--if either of us rents an apartment it would likely need to be a small 1 bedroom--and with 4 kids, if they were to spend time living at the apartment it would really need to be at least a LARGE 3 bedroom. So one option we have thought of is renting one small one bedroom apartment locally, and taking turns who lives in it. Of course, we'd have to establish a separate space (closet? shelves?) in each residence for us to keep our personal stuff. Has anyone done this option before? Or know someone who has? How did it work for you? |
Anonymous
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If you're sharing the apartment equally I'm not sure why it matters. It's both of you getting an apartment.
The big thing is you need to find work ASAP. It doesn't really matter who takes which kids to more practices and schedules the appointments. You're divorcing and now have to support 4 kids on lowered income. Money, now. Then worry about the other crap. |
Anonymous
| Do you really need to divorce right now? If your kids are older, why not wait until they are out of the house? This sounds so incredibly disruptive and sad for the kids. But I will admit that I am sensitive to this sort of thing since my parents divorced when I was 15 and it sent me into a few years of depression. |
Anonymous
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Talk to a lawyer ASAP, on your own. You don't have to hire her/him or get nasty or file papers right away or any of that. But you desperately need to understand the legal implications of the decisions you make right now. Which of you moves out of the marital home can affect who gets the home, who gets more money from the home, who gets custody, the amount of child support, etc. You have many rights, even as a SAHM. Yes, you will need to get a job eventually, but you can go about it much more rationally and come out with a much better job and income if you do it right. And you can get really screwed if you do it wrong, and that ultimately hurts the kids in the long run, not just you.
I had no clue what the legal situation was when I separated, and talking to a lawyer made the correct path forward towards the long-term best interests of the whole family much clearer. |
Anonymous
| If you want the divorce, then yeah, you need to get the job and move out. Not make him support you another few years while you figure out training and such. Find a job, rent a one bedroom apartment, figure out from there how you two split the time at home with the kids. |
Anonymous
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This is simple. The OP wants to move out DH doesn't. OP needs to be the one to go.
As for the "LARGE" 3 bedroom apartment. You are being petty. Unless you are married to Donald Trump you can't expect that. Divorce usually means a lot less money than you are used to, you will have to build yourself up again. I like the sleepover idea, or just have a kid or two over at a time. Will it be flexible visitation or weekends only? |
Anonymous
Op doesn't want to move out. She wants her husband to move out so she can stay at home with the kids still. She is the one who wants the divorce but she doesn't want to go to the apartment. |
Anonymous
| also, if the guy's been hitting you, that's something mentioned in the lead. not several posts in when things aren't going your way. |
Anonymous
Exactly. It sounds like OP is beginning to make-up excuses why he is the bad guy. If someone is suffering from abuse, emotional or physical, they are usually quick to state that here - and will leave before 18 years! I think all the other PPs are catching on. It sounds like she met someone else. DON'T EVEN THINK OF BRINGING A NEW BOYFRIEND INTO THE HOUSE WITH YOUR KIDS YET! And who is going to watch them if youre shacking up at his? Definitely sounds like the DH is the stable one. If he doesn't want the separation or divorce it is a pretty safe guess that he wont be dating any time soon. All the better for the kids. |
Anonymous
This. If there is ANY way you can both live together peacefully until the kids are out of the home it would be much better for them. |
Anonymous
I agree wholeheartedly. You say that he is trying to be a better husband, give him the chance. People can change once they realize how they were harming their SO. This sounds like the case. If he resorts back to the old ways, then move out. In the meantime start squirrelling away money for an apartment. And get to the therapist! |
Anonymous
| Who cares OP? Seriously, what we think doesn't matter. Your been a SAHM for 18 years even though by your own admission the 3 oldest can get to school, pack lunch, do activities and get to bed without help and the youngest needs to get to the bus and lullabies. GET A JOB . If you're divorcing, playing tit for tat on an irrelevant message board to get Brownie points for how much you did is a waste of time. You still need a job and income and someone has to move out. Quit wasting your time telling us all this and focus on those things and being there for your kids. |
Anonymous
| OP, once you move out, you basically give up custody out of default. Regardless of who wants the divorce, if he keeps the house and kids, how is he going to manage it all being gone 12 hours a day. Tell him if he is going to be the custodial parent, then do a trial for two weeks. He needs to do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, school shopping, activities (including arranging them), laundry and everything else you do and if that goes smoothly, then you can discuss who should move out. If you have a spare bedroom, move into that or have two of the kids share and you move into theirs. And, during those two weeks, look for a job, any job and then you can get a better job later on. Doing activities at night is very different than doing all the caretaking. |
Anonymous
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I'm blown away by the negative comments towards OP. She has been a SAH mom for 18 years. Jobs don't grown on trees -- she's not going to jump into one.
She has been a SAH mom. It's great that her husband is such an active and involved father, but that certainly doesn't diminish the years that she's spent raising four children. There may have been some abuse along the way, and now OP has had it. Counseling - absolutely. But what the hell is wrong with you people? Give her a break. |
Anonymous
| OP, the best thing would be to move into a separate bedroom for right now, have him take over the major work of cooking, cleaning, hoping and caretaking and you look for a job. Once you get a job and he gets the routine and can rearrange work or make a plan for the kids, then one of you move out, and then find a way to share the kids/time. You realistically cannot keep the house financially without a lot of support from him. That would not leave enough for him to get his own place so the best thing may be for each of you to move out with 3 bedrooms and two kids sharing a room. |