please tell me about living accommodations during separation--"sharing" your home and a rental?

[Anonymous]

Great advice from the last poster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you OP. You didn't deserve all this hate.
I hope everything turns out alright for you.
But your husband can't that bad of a guy if he encouraged you to be a SAHM and seems to work hard at taking care of you and your children. You said he is military, so is my DH (army) a lot of times military people come off as abusive in the way they talk and act, but all the ones I know are teddy bears at heart. Maybe he just didn't realize until recently and that his why he is changing - for you. Give him a chance, you probably need his comfort after this thread.

I know nothing about OP, or her husband. He might be a gem, or an abuser, or somewhere in between. But the idea that you can't be a "bad guy" if you let your wife stay home, or that you can't be a "bad guy" if you're in the military is absurd. Isolating your spouse by limiting their movements, and exerting control over finances by not allowing her to work is a classic abuser tactic. Not saying that's happening here, but, if anything, SAHM's are more at risk of abuse because it's harder for them to escape. And domestic violence is a huge issue in our military. The fact that many military families move far from their extended family is another thing that can contribute to the isolation of spouses and their vulnerability to continuing abuse.

Your generalization is as bad here. OP has said nothing about him being controlling, what she did say is that he ASKED her and she agreed to be aSAHM. How is that controlling? It sounds mutual. She seems headstrong enough that if she wanted a career she probably would have got it. As for controlling finances, in most Mil families i know the non-military spouse has controlled the finances. I did it when DH was in, and my mom did fit my father. With all the deployments and field duty it makes it easier and consistent.

See the bolded? I'm not arguing that OP's husband is or isn't a bad guy or a wonderful guy. What I am saying is that the notion that SAHP's can't be abused or that people in the military can't be abusive are clearly false, and harmful to SAHP's and military spouses who are victims of domestic violence. I have no idea if OP is actually a victim, but I didn't want someone to absorb that logic, even subconsciously and then later ignore someone who needed help, so I was pointing out that the PP's logic was terrible.

I grew up in a family with a SAHM and father in another career that moved us around a lot. My father was a wonderful man, who treated my mother, myself, and my siblings fantastically. He certainly didn't control the finances, but had he wanted to as the person whose name was on the paycheck, it would have been easier for him to do so. I am not saying that all families in that situation are abusive. Far from it. Just that discounting someone who is claiming that they are abused because their husband "let them be a SAHM" is dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was EVER physically abusive, don't move out and leave him as the primary parent unless you currently fear for your safety. This weakened my case for full custody although the only incident in which I actually left the child alone with my XH was while I was hospitalized for sepsis. His lawyer argued successfully that I was really terrified of what he might do, I would have found someone else. Never mind that I was being loaded into an ambulance at the time. I actually had a police report and witnesses about the prior abuse, but leaving DC with him undercut my credibility.

I am so sorry. The way our "justice" system treats survivors of domestic abuse - female victims of violence in general - is sickening.