Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?

[Anonymous]

My spouse has been on travel for more than half the summer. I can't ever plan anything and be able to count on him being home. He easily travels 80 nights a year (22 this summer since school ended), and I am tired of being the default parent and handling everything.

I feel guilty about it when I think about parents who are deployed, or who travel every week Mon- Fri, who probably have it even harder.

Compounded with this, he has many late night events which are typical for his job.

It's been many years like this, and I'm just done. He says this is just what his job is and he can't change it.

I'm wondering if I would be happier alone at this point. I try to make time to do things for myself, but hiring a sitter all the time just isn't the same as having your spouse home. I outsource stuff - housekeeper, lawn, general repairs - but it is tiring managing it all.

We've done marriage counseling. I've suggested it again and he's all "sure, let's do it." But he doesn't take the initiative to schedule it, and I know when we get there he'll just wait and look at me to "find out what is wrong."

What is the breaking point? How will I know? I care about him. I just don't want to live like this anymore. I want a spouse who is happy to be at home and eager to take on the day-to-day responsibilities of being a parent and partner. I don't see that ever happening here.

[Anonymous]

My DH is gone five nights a week. It's tough. But one of my coworkers who has been a truly single mom from the start pointed out that at least I have the financial security of being married, and that my kids aren't being shuttled from house to house, and dealing with new romantic partners, etc.

I actually enjoy it more when DH isn't home--the house stays cleaner, we can eat breakfast for dinner, or pick up Subway on the way to the pool, or do whatever we want to do. It's just easier when it's just the two of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is gone five nights a week. It's tough. But one of my coworkers who has been a truly single mom from the start pointed out that at least I have the financial security of being married, and that my kids aren't being shuttled from house to house, and dealing with new romantic partners, etc.

I actually enjoy it more when DH isn't home--the house stays cleaner, we can eat breakfast for dinner, or pick up Subway on the way to the pool, or do whatever we want to do. It's just easier when it's just the two of us.

OP here - in many respects, you are correct. But I also hate that I am getting to the point that I prefer when he is gone.

[Anonymous]

Do you like your DH when he is around? Is he good company when he is there? Or are you already basically alone now?

I don't know, I wonder if you are not being direct enough with him about your needs. You say, for example, he doesn't take the initiative to schedule marriage counseling. You need to tell him, "I need you to find us a counselor and schedule some sessions. You must do this." And, once there with the counselor, make it clear that your current marriage is intolerable and saying he can't change is unacceptable to you. If indeed it is. That is a difficult choice to make. I am sorry you are in this situation; it sounds very lonely. But you know, I suspect you have a lot more power to make demands than you think.

[Anonymous]

What do you think you're going to gain from divorce? The things you mentioned that bother you (housekeeper, lawn, general repairs) aren't going to get better if you divorce, you'll still have to outsource them. On less money. I'm guessing you married your DH knowing he was in this profession. It's not like he's going out to bars 5 days a week and leaving you at home.

If what you crave is companionship, then that's on you. You shouldn't expect your spouse to fulfill all your social needs.

fwiw, I'm divorced and happy in my divorced life and usually encourage people to consider divorce when they're in toxic marriages. But it seems like your problems aren't going to get solved by divorce, and I think that the realities of being a true single mom are going to make you even more unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 22:16. What about making more time for yourself so you feel less stressed? A baby sitter one night when DH is gone. Every week. Even if nothing special planned. Sounds kin you need some time and some fun. Divorce much harder than what you are dealing with now.

[Anonymous]

My husband travels a bunch too. That said, when he is here he does a LOT around the kids and the house. He's 100% present.

We also do a lot of date nights and take trips 2-3 times a year just the two of us.

[Anonymous]

my husband currently travels mon through thur or fri every other week. its working out okay but this is what helps it go smoothly:

1) we have his schedule months out so that we can plan around important things, and I can plan my travel
2) he is always home for weekends
3) when he is home he works from home and picks up the slack; no late nights when he is in town at all
4) hired an afterschool sitter/household help who is great: she picks up the kids, will make dinner tidy do the laundry, stay late, etc. Knowing she is around is a huge help for me.
5) my job is fairly flexible: I have a lot of meetings and some travel but meetings are always scheduled between 9 and 4.

I think of all of the above, the most important things are knowing the schedule way in advance and having reliable all around child/house help.

[Anonymous]

My husband was gone for work overseas for periods of time ranging from six weeks to a year. I lived with it for years, but reached my breaking point. Had we kept on with that, we likely would have divorced. But he changed jobs, and we are much happier and closer as a result. Any chance he can find a new job with less travel, OP?

[Anonymous]

I told DH befote we got married that frequent travel is a deal breaker for me. I know that unless it was the only option (eg he can't find another job and we'll lose the house or something) it would cause a huge rift. I'd rather be divorced and actively looking for a life partner than forever dealing with the resentment I'd feel. Kids complicate things, but I was personally happier after my parents divorced and found more suitable partners. It was good for me to see healthy relationships. Easier said than done, I know.

[Anonymous]

So you would be happier without your husband at all then just 75% of the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told DH befote we got married that frequent travel is a deal breaker for me. I know that unless it was the only option (eg he can't find another job and we'll lose the house or something) it would cause a huge rift. I'd rather be divorced and actively looking for a life partner than forever dealing with the resentment I'd feel. Kids complicate things, but I was personally happier after my parents divorced and found more suitable partners. It was good for me to see healthy relationships. Easier said than done, I know.

Me too. It's not the life I want.

[Anonymous]

His travel schedule was definitely part of why we split up.

He CHOSE to travel. It wasn't essential for his job that he be on the road 1-2 weeks a month, every month. There were conferences that he needed to go to, but it got to the point where he was basically gone half the time, by choice. We talked about it a lot, and he would always say that it wouldn't be forever, that he really wanted to be home with me and DD, etc. etc. But after 5 years (3 without DD and 2 with her), you kind of stop believing that it'll ever end, particularly when it's non-essential travel.

It was less about him being gone (because I agree with PP that some things were easier when he wasn't around) so much as the disregard he had for his family by choosing to leave us to "network" with his friends at conferences 1-2x a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His travel schedule was definitely part of why we split up.

He CHOSE to travel. It wasn't essential for his job that he be on the road 1-2 weeks a month, every month. There were conferences that he needed to go to, but it got to the point where he was basically gone half the time, by choice. We talked about it a lot, and he would always say that it wouldn't be forever, that he really wanted to be home with me and DD, etc. etc. But after 5 years (3 without DD and 2 with her), you kind of stop believing that it'll ever end, particularly when it's non-essential travel.

It was less about him being gone (because I agree with PP that some things were easier when he wasn't around) so much as the disregard he had for his family by choosing to leave us to "network" with his friends at conferences 1-2x a month.

I think this is key. It's a choice and the question is how long is he making the choice for. If it's a determined period of time to advance and to have more options (a year, two whatever) then that's discussed as a family and you deal with it. If it's because he thinks he can do whatever and your family life is second then that's a problem.
My DH is a reservist so I've dealt with one weekend a month and two weeks a year him gone and some late nights. Now he's deploying for a year. But we talked it out and determined it's temporary and necessary for his career. When he is here is is absolutely present and limits late nights to necessity only and he calls and talks and tells us he misses and loves us. I look at his face and it's clear it's not easy for him to be away either. In our case it's temporary and worth it. He will not take a job with a lot of travel since he knows the impact on us and it's not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His travel schedule was definitely part of why we split up.

He CHOSE to travel. It wasn't essential for his job that he be on the road 1-2 weeks a month, every month. There were conferences that he needed to go to, but it got to the point where he was basically gone half the time, by choice. We talked about it a lot, and he would always say that it wouldn't be forever, that he really wanted to be home with me and DD, etc. etc. But after 5 years (3 without DD and 2 with her), you kind of stop believing that it'll ever end, particularly when it's non-essential travel.

It was less about him being gone (because I agree with PP that some things were easier when he wasn't around) so much as the disregard he had for his family by choosing to leave us to "network" with his friends at conferences 1-2x a month.

I think this is key. It's a choice and the question is how long is he making the choice for. If it's a determined period of time to advance and to have more options (a year, two whatever) then that's discussed as a family and you deal with it. If it's because he thinks he can do whatever and your family life is second then that's a problem.
My DH is a reservist so I've dealt with one weekend a month and two weeks a year him gone and some late nights. Now he's deploying for a year. But we talked it out and determined it's temporary and necessary for his career. When he is here is is absolutely present and limits late nights to necessity only and he calls and talks and tells us he misses and loves us. I look at his face and it's clear it's not easy for him to be away either. In our case it's temporary and worth it. He will not take a job with a lot of travel since he knows the impact on us and it's not worth it.

PP here. Exactly. My ex was always excited to go away. He was excited to see his colleagues from far away, excited for the content. Really the only thing he wasn't excited about was the actual travel. It wasn't clear that he missed DD and me. He wasn't great about calling to talk or being responsive when he was away (which I get - he WAS working, so I wasn't expecting him to be available all the time). He was also a 9am-7pm in the office kind of guy when he was here, plus the work-related after hours stuff PP mentions, so once I stopped being able to go along with him to that stuff, we just didn't see each other very much. He also thought that weekends were for relaxing, which to him meant that he would get to relax while I took care of the baby and ran the errands.