Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?

[Anonymous]

What's missing from the discussion is....do you love him?? Does he love you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is gone five nights a week. It's tough. But one of my coworkers who has been a truly single mom from the start pointed out that at least I have the financial security of being married, and that my kids aren't being shuttled from house to house, and dealing with new romantic partners, etc.

I actually enjoy it more when DH isn't home--the house stays cleaner, we can eat breakfast for dinner, or pick up Subway on the way to the pool, or do whatever we want to do. It's just easier when it's just the two of us.

OP here - in many respects, you are correct. But I also hate that I am getting to the point that I prefer when he is gone.

Have you told him this? It sounds like it's not just the travel, it's that he doesn't care that the travel affects you, and he's not putting in any effort for the marriage and family beyond his paycheck. Does he tell you he misses you, that he loves you? Does he do anything logistically useful when he is gone?

[Anonymous]

OP, you want a spouse who is home. Understandable. However if you divorce, you will have no option of this spouse being home. Because you wont be married anymore. So you will have to find a new spouse who you will love, loves you, loves your kids, treats them well, etc. and doesn't travel for work.

Is this what you ultimately want--to find a new spouse? Easier said than done.

Or do you want current spouse to be home more?

Well, it sounds as if that isn't an option at this time. Your spouse has told you that this is his job and this is what it entails. He has told you that things aren't going to change while he has this current job. So you need to either accept that he travels and works a lot, or not.

Have you tried changing your expectations of your husband? I know you want him to not travel so much, but that isnt an option right now. So instead of expecting things to change, why not change the way you deal with it? You say that you can't count on his being home/cant make plans. Why are you even trying to plan on his being home then? Move forward as if he won't be home. Get a regular housekeeper, regular babysitter, etc. I know that it isn't the same as your husband being home...but he has said that his being home isn't an option while in his current job. Don't be bitter about something you can't change. Instead, change your current reality so that you are happy in it.

Or, tell him that its either his job or your marriage. If he wants to stay married to you, he needs to get a new job that will allow him to be home more often.

Seems to me, these are your only options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told DH befote we got married that frequent travel is a deal breaker for me. I know that unless it was the only option (eg he can't find another job and we'll lose the house or something) it would cause a huge rift. I'd rather be divorced and actively looking for a life partner than forever dealing with the resentment I'd feel. Kids complicate things, but I was personally happier after my parents divorced and found more suitable partners. It was good for me to see healthy relationships. Easier said than done, I know.

You can't predict the future I told DH before we married that I could never ever be a SAHM. Life happens and here I am a SAHM. You do what you have to do for your family.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you? How far off is retirement? What about when/if you have grandchildren? Divorce has a lot of long range implications. What if your DH remarries and squanders any $ money that would have gone towards children and grandchildren? These are real possibilities that you should think through. I feel for you, I am not trying to guilt you. Life is a bitch and can be very unkind at times.

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with something like this now with DH. His job is requiring him to travel more, and it's disrupting our family.

Up until now he was able to leave at 8:30 AM and be home by 5:15 PM. We split the cooking, as on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach yoga. He helps the kids (10 and 8) with their homework, and then spends time with each of them after dinner before they fall asleep.

Now, however, his company is doing a QA initiative where he has to go on the road once a month to train people and assess their performance. He was gone Monday and Tuesday this week, missing the kids' bedtime. He also traveled Wednesday AND Thursday July 6 & 7. Yes, on the week of the FOURTH OF JULY!!!

His next trip is to attend a 2-day West Coast conference on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Get this--he wants to fly out the next morning rather than on the red-eye. The conference ends at 8:30 PM near the airport, so he can most certainly make an 11:30 PM flight. His work is willing to book him an extra night at the hotel and he claims he'll be exhausted, but he's not understanding that his CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM!!!

So I feel for you, OP. It's awful the way people just do not respect families, and worse when like husbands like yours and mine don't stand up and refuse to travel when telephones and Skype can work just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with something like this now with DH. His job is requiring him to travel more, and it's disrupting our family.

Up until now he was able to leave at 8:30 AM and be home by 5:15 PM. We split the cooking, as on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach yoga. He helps the kids (10 and 8) with their homework, and then spends time with each of them after dinner before they fall asleep.

Now, however, his company is doing a QA initiative where he has to go on the road once a month to train people and assess their performance. He was gone Monday and Tuesday this week, missing the kids' bedtime. He also traveled Wednesday AND Thursday July 6 & 7. Yes, on the week of the FOURTH OF JULY!!!

His next trip is to attend a 2-day West Coast conference on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Get this--he wants to fly out the next morning rather than on the red-eye. The conference ends at 8:30 PM near the airport, so he can most certainly make an 11:30 PM flight. His work is willing to book him an extra night at the hotel and he claims he'll be exhausted, but he's not understanding that his CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM!!!

So I feel for you, OP. It's awful the way people just do not respect families, and worse when like husbands like yours and mine don't stand up and refuse to travel when telephones and Skype can work just fine.

1) Once a month is not a lot of travel.
2) What's the big deal about travelling the week of a holiday?
3) Red-eyes from the west coast are awful. I've done them many times and they're terrible.

Honestly, you're complaints sound way over the top. I hope you're being sarcastic actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with something like this now with DH. His job is requiring him to travel more, and it's disrupting our family.

Up until now he was able to leave at 8:30 AM and be home by 5:15 PM. We split the cooking, as on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach yoga. He helps the kids (10 and 8) with their homework, and then spends time with each of them after dinner before they fall asleep.

Now, however, his company is doing a QA initiative where he has to go on the road once a month to train people and assess their performance. He was gone Monday and Tuesday this week, missing the kids' bedtime. He also traveled Wednesday AND Thursday July 6 & 7. Yes, on the week of the FOURTH OF JULY!!!

His next trip is to attend a 2-day West Coast conference on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Get this--he wants to fly out the next morning rather than on the red-eye. The conference ends at 8:30 PM near the airport, so he can most certainly make an 11:30 PM flight. His work is willing to book him an extra night at the hotel and he claims he'll be exhausted, but he's not understanding that his CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM!!!

So I feel for you, OP. It's awful the way people just do not respect families, and worse when like husbands like yours and mine don't stand up and refuse to travel when telephones and Skype can work just fine.

Is this a joke?? You honestly sound spoiled and irrational. He was gone two days in August and July, with two more coming up. That's barely any travel, and it's for work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with something like this now with DH. His job is requiring him to travel more, and it's disrupting our family.

Up until now he was able to leave at 8:30 AM and be home by 5:15 PM. We split the cooking, as on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach yoga. He helps the kids (10 and 8) with their homework, and then spends time with each of them after dinner before they fall asleep.

Now, however, his company is doing a QA initiative where he has to go on the road once a month to train people and assess their performance. He was gone Monday and Tuesday this week, missing the kids' bedtime. He also traveled Wednesday AND Thursday July 6 & 7. Yes, on the week of the FOURTH OF JULY!!!

His next trip is to attend a 2-day West Coast conference on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Get this--he wants to fly out the next morning rather than on the red-eye. The conference ends at 8:30 PM near the airport, so he can most certainly make an 11:30 PM flight. His work is willing to book him an extra night at the hotel and he claims he'll be exhausted, but he's not understanding that his CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM!!!

So I feel for you, OP. It's awful the way people just do not respect families, and worse when like husbands like yours and mine don't stand up and refuse to travel when telephones and Skype can work just fine.

Is this a joke?? You honestly sound spoiled and irrational. He was gone two days in August and July, with two more coming up. That's barely any travel, and it's for work.

Seriously, there is reasonable complaining (OP) and unreasonable complaining (PP). I also wonder if PP works more than 2 days per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with something like this now with DH. His job is requiring him to travel more, and it's disrupting our family.

Up until now he was able to leave at 8:30 AM and be home by 5:15 PM. We split the cooking, as on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach yoga. He helps the kids (10 and 8) with their homework, and then spends time with each of them after dinner before they fall asleep.

Now, however, his company is doing a QA initiative where he has to go on the road once a month to train people and assess their performance. He was gone Monday and Tuesday this week, missing the kids' bedtime. He also traveled Wednesday AND Thursday July 6 & 7. Yes, on the week of the FOURTH OF JULY!!!

His next trip is to attend a 2-day West Coast conference on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Get this--he wants to fly out the next morning rather than on the red-eye. The conference ends at 8:30 PM near the airport, so he can most certainly make an 11:30 PM flight. His work is willing to book him an extra night at the hotel and he claims he'll be exhausted, but he's not understanding that his CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM!!!

So I feel for you, OP. It's awful the way people just do not respect families, and worse when like husbands like yours and mine don't stand up and refuse to travel when telephones and Skype can work just fine.

Is this a joke?? You honestly sound spoiled and irrational. He was gone two days in August and July, with two more coming up. That's barely any travel, and it's for work.

This has to be a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with something like this now with DH. His job is requiring him to travel more, and it's disrupting our family.

Up until now he was able to leave at 8:30 AM and be home by 5:15 PM. We split the cooking, as on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach yoga. He helps the kids (10 and 8) with their homework, and then spends time with each of them after dinner before they fall asleep.

Now, however, his company is doing a QA initiative where he has to go on the road once a month to train people and assess their performance. He was gone Monday and Tuesday this week, missing the kids' bedtime. He also traveled Wednesday AND Thursday July 6 & 7. Yes, on the week of the FOURTH OF JULY!!!

His next trip is to attend a 2-day West Coast conference on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Get this--he wants to fly out the next morning rather than on the red-eye. The conference ends at 8:30 PM near the airport, so he can most certainly make an 11:30 PM flight. His work is willing to book him an extra night at the hotel and he claims he'll be exhausted, but he's not understanding that his CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM!!!

So I feel for you, OP. It's awful the way people just do not respect families, and worse when like husbands like yours and mine don't stand up and refuse to travel when telephones and Skype can work just fine.

I'm sorry, I can't help it, I'm laughing! Two days a month? With a 10 and an 8 year old? Really, that's a disaster? Get it together!

This is minimal, truly minimal, in the grand scheme of things. And let the poor guy have a solid night's sleep before he flies home, sheesh. My DH often takes red eyes, and he just ends up a wreck the next day, not good for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with something like this now with DH. His job is requiring him to travel more, and it's disrupting our family.

Up until now he was able to leave at 8:30 AM and be home by 5:15 PM. We split the cooking, as on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach yoga. He helps the kids (10 and 8) with their homework, and then spends time with each of them after dinner before they fall asleep.

Now, however, his company is doing a QA initiative where he has to go on the road once a month to train people and assess their performance. He was gone Monday and Tuesday this week, missing the kids' bedtime. He also traveled Wednesday AND Thursday July 6 & 7. Yes, on the week of the FOURTH OF JULY!!!

His next trip is to attend a 2-day West Coast conference on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Get this--he wants to fly out the next morning rather than on the red-eye. The conference ends at 8:30 PM near the airport, so he can most certainly make an 11:30 PM flight. His work is willing to book him an extra night at the hotel and he claims he'll be exhausted, but he's not understanding that his CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM!!!

So I feel for you, OP. It's awful the way people just do not respect families, and worse when like husbands like yours and mine don't stand up and refuse to travel when telephones and Skype can work just fine.

Get yourself together woman.

[Anonymous]

Another option OP is to simply remember that rarely is a career a lifetime career. This is the work he does, that he apparently loves, and even though it is tough, if you love him, leaving him 100% makes it a zero sum game for you.

It is lonely being alone with a DH who travels frequently. It does feel like being single. But it isn't the same as being single, once you really are all alone. I say this as someone who separated from my DH (not for this reason - other issies) and am in the process of reconciliation.

There is something meaninful about the home that you build, the vision for it, and the time you put into that. Don't throw it away for the unknown. I'm not suggesting that fear should keep you. Rather, I am suggesting that you should concentrate more on the wonderful qualities that exist: balance and a healthy environment for your children, trust for you with a man that cares and loves you, security. Yes, the loneliness is real. But it will change - marriage is a lifetime. Will he have this job in 5 years? In the big picture, is it worth throwing away all that you have together as a family, and restructuring that, for a vision of the unknown? Either way your DH will still be around if you have children - and if you love him, when he is no longer working in the way that he is, you may regret that decision.

Nothing makes up for the man that you love and spending time with him. But you can make sure that the time you spend together is very meaningful. The PP suggesting date nights, frequent alone trips is using this approach, which I recommend. Also, make sure that you find different ways to connect while being gone; facetime while watching a movie together, I used to sometimes sleep on factime when we firstmoved into a big house and I was afraid to sleep alone (before the dog and kids). It sounds silly, but it was comforting to hear him get up and go to the bathroom, or talk to him while we were getting dressed in the AM.

Finally make sure that you are enjoying the time for you. This is time to enjoy hobbies: plant a garden with a flower that reminds him of you. Grow vegetables. Take up scrapbooking and make memories when you miss him. There are a ton of possibilities.

Loneliness is easy to mend. Heartbreak, and the effects of a divorce - not so much. It is much easier than it sounds.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

So... you don't miss your husband you just miss him taking care of stuff so you can have more free time... I see...

[Anonymous]

OP - did you know that his job would require tons of travel before you got married? Or is this a new job? I think you should make an appt. w/ a marriage counselor when you know DH will be home to go with you. You need to discuss how his travel is affecting your relationship. Can he cut down on travel and still keep his job? Does he love the travel and is he making it a priority over your marriage and kids? What will he compromise on? If he doesn't want to compromise (bc marriage is about compromise) then maybe you need to discuss divorce.