An update on my relationship with Niece, Bro and SIL

[Anonymous]

This was me: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/544036.page

The baby is now 10 months. Yesterday my brother texted a video of her cruising to me and my parents. I said "I want to see that in person!" and he said "Okay when?" I said "Tomorrow? Whenever works with your schedule." So they invited me over for 5pm tonight.

I was there at 4:55. My SIL mostly ignored me at first while we all played with the baby (awkward!), like barely even looked at me. Then it was time for her to eat dinner and I asked if I could feed her. So I did while SIL futzed in the kitchen and my brother hovered behind me. But it was fun with her and my brother and I cleaned her and her high chair up. Then he ran to get the bjorn and we stuffed her in and took her and the dog for a walk. When we came home I pulled her out and stripped her for her bath. Then we hung out for a while before dinner, and then we cleaned up and I left around 8:30.

While I was there, my brother said he never wants to be someone who shoves his baby upon people in case they're not interested. So I told him I'm always interested and he should break that rule with me. That I'm averaging seeing the baby about once a month, but I'd like a lot more, but don't want to take away from their family time. He said we'll try to make it happen more often. My SIL started out cold, but warmed up a lot. She didn't dismiss everything I said, she agreed with me about some things, it was MUCH better. We talked about how in Sept my parents are coming out for the baby's birthday and they'll be staying with my brother and SIL. Of course, they are not trusted to watch the baby, so the nanny will be there, and we talked about how awkward they will make things for the nanny. I suggested I could take a day off from work and haul them around the city so they're out of the nanny's hair. I think SIL was very appreciative of that.

I hope it continues in this direction.

[Anonymous]

A positive update, OP. Sounds like things are moving in the right direction. Now, have you gotten a couch yet?

[Anonymous]

Lol, no couch yet. Baby steps.

[Anonymous]

New update from OP: their nanny is on vacation, so last week SIL stayed home with the baby and this week my brother is. Yesterday my brother and the baby came to my work so we could go to lunch together. I brought a book for my niece to have. She liked the tag on the back.

We went to a restaurant and one of us had to stay with the baby while another got the food. I asked who and my brother asked which I wanted to do. Of course I said I wanted to stay with the baby. So we sat outside and I chatted with her (10.5 months) alone. I was really surprised my brother let me be alone with her.

Then I got to feed her, which was super fun. At one point I asked "Can I just come over every night after work to feed B dinner?" and we chatted about how even doing things like feeding or diaper changes or baths are fun despite the fact that they aren't "playing."

My heart is so full after yesterday. When I got back to my desk I seriously couldn't focus for a good ten minutes.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I mean this with all possible kindness.

Don't be a pushover and a doormat. If it makes you happy, by all means, be the go-to person when they need a babysitter. But there are limits.

I read both threads and your relationship with your brother concerns me. My mother and her siblings have that kind of relationship, where my mother, who is the youngest of 7, is alternatively ignored then ordered about by her siblings when they need a hand. Her whole family has told her she's stupid (not nice, even though she's not as smart as they are). And it spills over to the next generation! For a long time, I was not considered as well as my cousins, until we were all adults and I ended up having less problems . There was a lot of jealousy and soul-searching then!

So keep your dignity. When you marry and have kids, don't let your kids be treated like secondary citizens.

[Anonymous]

I'd say continue to visit and let them know you enjoy time with them/the baby, but don't say things like "can I come over every night to feed B dinner?" No one wants extra people over every single night. Even if you didn't mean it literally, don't be the person saying pushy stuff like that. Just enjoy the time you get, offer to help/ask to visit, but don't be pushy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I mean this with all possible kindness.

Don't be a pushover and a doormat. If it makes you happy, by all means, be the go-to person when they need a babysitter. But there are limits.

+1
i'm particularly troubled that you seem to be desperately looking to this relationship to fill a void in your life based on this comment:

"I am hesitant to cut them out of my life, because quite simply, my life is very empty right now. I have been feeling quite lonely the last year or so, and I'm already SO VERY isolated. But maybe it's better to have even fewer than to have people who are like them."

Its great that you took the high road, and it worked out, but you seem to be looking to escape your life and trying to turn yourself into a nanny to make yourself feel needed and valuable. You should not be offering to feed your niece every night, hopefully that was a joke. and volunteering to take time off work for non-emergency childcare help is pushing it in terms of healthy boundaries and looking after yourself. You need to be out and about, dating or going to comedy shows or art exhibits or whatever to help find what will fill the void in your life. There's also many meet-up groups which are a great way to meet new people. you can't build your life around someone else's family, even if it is your brother and beloved niece.

I also think you should meet with a therapist to work on having healthy boundaries and hopefully get to the root of why you aren't aiming higher and seeking out meaningful relationships that come with no strings attached.

best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say continue to visit and let them know you enjoy time with them/the baby, but don't say things like "can I come over every night to feed B dinner?" No one wants extra people over every single night. Even if you didn't mean it literally, don't be the person saying pushy stuff like that. Just enjoy the time you get, offer to help/ask to visit, but don't be pushy about it.

He knew I was kidding, and I knew that they would never say yes to that. He is hyper-concerned about pushing his baby on people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I mean this with all possible kindness.

Don't be a pushover and a doormat. If it makes you happy, by all means, be the go-to person when they need a babysitter. But there are limits.

+1
i'm particularly troubled that you seem to be desperately looking to this relationship to fill a void in your life based on this comment:

"I am hesitant to cut them out of my life, because quite simply, my life is very empty right now. I have been feeling quite lonely the last year or so, and I'm already SO VERY isolated. But maybe it's better to have even fewer than to have people who are like them."

Its great that you took the high road, and it worked out, but you seem to be looking to escape your life and trying to turn yourself into a nanny to make yourself feel needed and valuable. You should not be offering to feed your niece every night, hopefully that was a joke. and volunteering to take time off work for non-emergency childcare help is pushing it in terms of healthy boundaries and looking after yourself. You need to be out and about, dating or going to comedy shows or art exhibits or whatever to help find what will fill the void in your life. There's also many meet-up groups which are a great way to meet new people. you can't build your life around someone else's family, even if it is your brother and beloved niece.

I also think you should meet with a therapist to work on having healthy boundaries and hopefully get to the root of why you aren't aiming higher and seeking out meaningful relationships that come with no strings attached.

best of luck.

Huh? I'm not offering to take time off work for childcare? I am not sure where you got that from. And yes, the feed the baby every night comment was a joke, and my brother knew that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I mean this with all possible kindness.

Don't be a pushover and a doormat. If it makes you happy, by all means, be the go-to person when they need a babysitter. But there are limits.

+1
i'm particularly troubled that you seem to be desperately looking to this relationship to fill a void in your life based on this comment:

"I am hesitant to cut them out of my life, because quite simply, my life is very empty right now. I have been feeling quite lonely the last year or so, and I'm already SO VERY isolated. But maybe it's better to have even fewer than to have people who are like them."

Its great that you took the high road, and it worked out, but you seem to be looking to escape your life and trying to turn yourself into a nanny to make yourself feel needed and valuable. You should not be offering to feed your niece every night, hopefully that was a joke. and volunteering to take time off work for non-emergency childcare help is pushing it in terms of healthy boundaries and looking after yourself. You need to be out and about, dating or going to comedy shows or art exhibits or whatever to help find what will fill the void in your life. There's also many meet-up groups which are a great way to meet new people. you can't build your life around someone else's family, even if it is your brother and beloved niece.

I also think you should meet with a therapist to work on having healthy boundaries and hopefully get to the root of why you aren't aiming higher and seeking out meaningful relationships that come with no strings attached.

best of luck.

Huh? I'm not offering to take time off work for childcare? I am not sure where you got that from. And yes, the feed the baby every night comment was a joke, and my brother knew that.

"I suggested I could take a day off from work and haul them around the city so they're out of the nanny's hair. I think SIL was very appreciative of that. "

Ok, I guess it's more like 'parent-care.' But either way, as PP stated, if it's something you are really doing for yourself (i.e. I'm so excited to show my parents around the city that I'm happy to use my vacation time to do it) then that's cool, but if it's something you are doing just to make your SIL's nanny's life easier in hopes of getting into SIL's good graces, you will likely end up disappointed and let down. Remember, you could be saving those vacation days for a trip to Prague or Miami !!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say continue to visit and let them know you enjoy time with them/the baby, but don't say things like "can I come over every night to feed B dinner?" No one wants extra people over every single night. Even if you didn't mean it literally, don't be the person saying pushy stuff like that. Just enjoy the time you get, offer to help/ask to visit, but don't be pushy about it.

He knew I was kidding, and I knew that they would never say yes to that. He is hyper-concerned about pushing his baby on people.

You really do come across as desperate/pushy. That's just my honest reaction. Just ease up a bit. You've offered, they know you like their baby, that's enough. Just ease up, seriously. Let them set the tone for how much involvement they want. If you want a little more interaction, ask gently, but don't be all over them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I mean this with all possible kindness.

Don't be a pushover and a doormat. If it makes you happy, by all means, be the go-to person when they need a babysitter. But there are limits.

+1
i'm particularly troubled that you seem to be desperately looking to this relationship to fill a void in your life based on this comment:

"I am hesitant to cut them out of my life, because quite simply, my life is very empty right now. I have been feeling quite lonely the last year or so, and I'm already SO VERY isolated. But maybe it's better to have even fewer than to have people who are like them."

Its great that you took the high road, and it worked out, but you seem to be looking to escape your life and trying to turn yourself into a nanny to make yourself feel needed and valuable. You should not be offering to feed your niece every night, hopefully that was a joke. and volunteering to take time off work for non-emergency childcare help is pushing it in terms of healthy boundaries and looking after yourself. You need to be out and about, dating or going to comedy shows or art exhibits or whatever to help find what will fill the void in your life. There's also many meet-up groups which are a great way to meet new people. you can't build your life around someone else's family, even if it is your brother and beloved niece.

I also think you should meet with a therapist to work on having healthy boundaries and hopefully get to the root of why you aren't aiming higher and seeking out meaningful relationships that come with no strings attached.

best of luck.

Huh? I'm not offering to take time off work for childcare? I am not sure where you got that from. And yes, the feed the baby every night comment was a joke, and my brother knew that.

"I suggested I could take a day off from work and haul them around the city so they're out of the nanny's hair. I think SIL was very appreciative of that. "

Ok, I guess it's more like 'parent-care.' But either way, as PP stated, if it's something you are really doing for yourself (i.e. I'm so excited to show my parents around the city that I'm happy to use my vacation time to do it) then that's cool, but if it's something you are doing just to make your SIL's nanny's life easier in hopes of getting into SIL's good graces, you will likely end up disappointed and let down. Remember, you could be saving those vacation days for a trip to Prague or Miami !!!

Oh. They know full well that I can't stand my parents and we don't have fun together. But it will make my parents feel good. I don't take trips. I haven't been on an airplane in six or seven years. I didn't offer in order to kiss up to the SIL or get into her good graces. I did it because I've watched my parents make people feel awkward and I know it's important that the nanny be comfortable (she and the baby love each other). I'll just take my parents to breakfast and a movie and stuff to keep them out of the nanny's hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Huh? I'm not offering to take time off work for childcare? I am not sure where you got that from. And yes, the feed the baby every night comment was a joke, and my brother knew that.

"I suggested I could take a day off from work and haul them around the city so they're out of the nanny's hair. I think SIL was very appreciative of that. "

Ok, I guess it's more like 'parent-care.' But either way, as PP stated, if it's something you are really doing for yourself (i.e. I'm so excited to show my parents around the city that I'm happy to use my vacation time to do it) then that's cool, but if it's something you are doing just to make your SIL's nanny's life easier in hopes of getting into SIL's good graces, you will likely end up disappointed and let down. Remember, you could be saving those vacation days for a trip to Prague or Miami !!!

Oh. They know full well that I can't stand my parents and we don't have fun together. But it will make my parents feel good. I don't take trips. I haven't been on an airplane in six or seven years. I didn't offer in order to kiss up to the SIL or get into her good graces. I did it because I've watched my parents make people feel awkward and I know it's important that the nanny be comfortable (she and the baby love each other). I'll just take my parents to breakfast and a movie and stuff to keep them out of the nanny's hair.

OK then, i'm sorry, your hard-earned vacation day is more important than the comfort level of your brother's nanny. the whole situation has nothing to do with you. you are too invested in other people's lives, and not enough invested in your own. if you dislike flying/travel, then use your vacation time to take classes, volunteer, or visit museums-whatever makes you happy. if you don't know what makes you happy, try out different things every week. search for ways to make your life one that you love, without depending on anyone else to try and make that happen. your brother and his wife have their own lives: busy jobs, baby, etc. you will only be disappointed if you place so much hope in them to give your life joy.

for example, be prepared for one way your plan might play out:
-you take your parents out, they drive you crazy, you are miserable and can't believe you are spending vacation time this way, but think, well, at least i'm doing BIL/SIL a BIG favor.
-you complain to your BIL/SIL about how awful it was to put up with the parents, and expect your BIL/SIL to be really grateful and sympathetic, but instead they say, 'well, why did you agree to take them out then?'
-you respond: 'i did it for you guys, so your nanny would not feel awkward.'
-they say 'umm...the nanny gets paid to handle our baby, not be comfy. if you didn't want to take vacation to take the parents out, then you shouldn't have done it.'
-you are back to square one feeling that your SIL/BIL dismiss and under-appreciate all your efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Huh? I'm not offering to take time off work for childcare? I am not sure where you got that from. And yes, the feed the baby every night comment was a joke, and my brother knew that.

"I suggested I could take a day off from work and haul them around the city so they're out of the nanny's hair. I think SIL was very appreciative of that. "

Ok, I guess it's more like 'parent-care.' But either way, as PP stated, if it's something you are really doing for yourself (i.e. I'm so excited to show my parents around the city that I'm happy to use my vacation time to do it) then that's cool, but if it's something you are doing just to make your SIL's nanny's life easier in hopes of getting into SIL's good graces, you will likely end up disappointed and let down. Remember, you could be saving those vacation days for a trip to Prague or Miami !!!

Oh. They know full well that I can't stand my parents and we don't have fun together. But it will make my parents feel good. I don't take trips. I haven't been on an airplane in six or seven years. I didn't offer in order to kiss up to the SIL or get into her good graces. I did it because I've watched my parents make people feel awkward and I know it's important that the nanny be comfortable (she and the baby love each other). I'll just take my parents to breakfast and a movie and stuff to keep them out of the nanny's hair.

OK then, i'm sorry, your hard-earned vacation day is more important than the comfort level of your brother's nanny. the whole situation has nothing to do with you. you are too invested in other people's lives, and not enough invested in your own. if you dislike flying/travel, then use your vacation time to take classes, volunteer, or visit museums-whatever makes you happy. if you don't know what makes you happy, try out different things every week. search for ways to make your life one that you love, without depending on anyone else to try and make that happen. your brother and his wife have their own lives: busy jobs, baby, etc. you will only be disappointed if you place so much hope in them to give your life joy.

for example, be prepared for one way your plan might play out:
-you take your parents out, they drive you crazy, you are miserable and can't believe you are spending vacation time this way, but think, well, at least i'm doing BIL/SIL a BIG favor.
-you complain to your BIL/SIL about how awful it was to put up with the parents, and expect your BIL/SIL to be really grateful and sympathetic, but instead they say, 'well, why did you agree to take them out then?'
-you respond: 'i did it for you guys, so your nanny would not feel awkward.'
-they say 'umm...the nanny gets paid to handle our baby, not be comfy. if you didn't want to take vacation to take the parents out, then you shouldn't have done it.'
-you are back to square one feeling that your SIL/BIL dismiss and under-appreciate all your efforts.

[Anonymous]

The bolded above is spot on. Stay in your lane, OP.