Ladies - why do you sleep with married men?

[Anonymous]

I'm not here to throw stones. I'm guilty of above. But I'm not sure why I do it???

[Anonymous]

Yes you do.

[Anonymous]

I haven't (at least knowingly), but I have two friends that have and this is what they explain.

Friend 1 was in an off/on relationship with her child's father. During one of their offs, he quickly began dating and married someone else. As in the whole thing took less than 90 days. About a month after the wedding, he came by and told my friend that he'd made a terrible mistake, she was his soulmate, but the new wife was pregnant and would take the baby back to her native country if he divorced her. In the past 7 years, he and my friend have been somewhat secretly on and off. My friend says he's her soulmate and they are waiting until her AP & the wife's son turns 18. I think she's stupid, but this relationship has spanned far more years than my first marriage. Maybe it'll work out.

Friend 2 just wanted babies and no real man in the picture. She said she didn't want an anonymous sperm donor. Both her kids' dads are affluent married men happy to write a hush money check in lieu of her filing for CS. It's not enough for her to live a high end lifestyle, but it is more generous than any voluntary CS I've ever heard of a man paying. It is far cheaper than a divorce would be. Perhaps even cheaper than some diamonds to soothe an irate wife like Kobe Bryant had to buy. Anyway, Friend 2 exclusively dates married men. She doesn't meet them online. They aren't sugar daddies. They don't play stepdad to her kids. She meets most through her work (which isn't sex work or anything sleezy or trashy at all). It is, however, a very easy way to meet rich men and get their personal contact info right under the wives' noses. In fact, the last two men she dated were through women introducing her to their DH. My friend says she'll meet and marry someone when her younger child goes off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you do.

No, I really don't.

[Anonymous]

Afraid of commitment. Daddy issues. Or, just cuz they're low-down, dirty....you know what's.

[Anonymous]

because I'm a sl*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't (at least knowingly), but I have two friends that have and this is what they explain.

Friend 1 was in an off/on relationship with her child's father. During one of their offs, he quickly began dating and married someone else. As in the whole thing took less than 90 days. About a month after the wedding, he came by and told my friend that he'd made a terrible mistake, she was his soulmate, but the new wife was pregnant and would take the baby back to her native country if he divorced her. In the past 7 years, he and my friend have been somewhat secretly on and off. My friend says he's her soulmate and they are waiting until her AP & the wife's son turns 18. I think she's stupid, but this relationship has spanned far more years than my first marriage. Maybe it'll work out.

Friend 2 just wanted babies and no real man in the picture. She said she didn't want an anonymous sperm donor. Both her kids' dads are affluent married men happy to write a hush money check in lieu of her filing for CS. It's not enough for her to live a high end lifestyle, but it is more generous than any voluntary CS I've ever heard of a man paying. It is far cheaper than a divorce would be. Perhaps even cheaper than some diamonds to soothe an irate wife like Kobe Bryant had to buy. Anyway, Friend 2 exclusively dates married men. She doesn't meet them online. They aren't sugar daddies. They don't play stepdad to her kids. She meets most through her work (which isn't sex work or anything sleezy or trashy at all). It is, however, a very easy way to meet rich men and get their personal contact info right under the wives' noses. In fact, the last two men she dated were through women introducing her to their DH. My friend says she'll meet and marry someone when her younger child goes off to college.

Men are so stupid and your second friend is a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't (at least knowingly), but I have two friends that have and this is what they explain.

Friend 1 was in an off/on relationship with her child's father. During one of their offs, he quickly began dating and married someone else. As in the whole thing took less than 90 days. About a month after the wedding, he came by and told my friend that he'd made a terrible mistake, she was his soulmate, but the new wife was pregnant and would take the baby back to her native country if he divorced her. In the past 7 years, he and my friend have been somewhat secretly on and off. My friend says he's her soulmate and they are waiting until her AP & the wife's son turns 18. I think she's stupid, but this relationship has spanned far more years than my first marriage. Maybe it'll work out.

Friend 2 just wanted babies and no real man in the picture. She said she didn't want an anonymous sperm donor. Both her kids' dads are affluent married men happy to write a hush money check in lieu of her filing for CS. It's not enough for her to live a high end lifestyle, but it is more generous than any voluntary CS I've ever heard of a man paying. It is far cheaper than a divorce would be. Perhaps even cheaper than some diamonds to soothe an irate wife like Kobe Bryant had to buy. Anyway, Friend 2 exclusively dates married men. She doesn't meet them online. They aren't sugar daddies. They don't play stepdad to her kids. She meets most through her work (which isn't sex work or anything sleezy or trashy at all). It is, however, a very easy way to meet rich men and get their personal contact info right under the wives' noses. In fact, the last two men she dated were through women introducing her to their DH. My friend says she'll meet and marry someone when her younger child goes off to college.

So sad. And even sadder is that one of these is Op's position, if not her follow up post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't (at least knowingly), but I have two friends that have and this is what they explain.

Friend 1 was in an off/on relationship with her child's father. During one of their offs, he quickly began dating and married someone else. As in the whole thing took less than 90 days. About a month after the wedding, he came by and told my friend that he'd made a terrible mistake, she was his soulmate, but the new wife was pregnant and would take the baby back to her native country if he divorced her. In the past 7 years, he and my friend have been somewhat secretly on and off. My friend says he's her soulmate and they are waiting until her AP & the wife's son turns 18. I think she's stupid, but this relationship has spanned far more years than my first marriage. Maybe it'll work out.

Friend 2 just wanted babies and no real man in the picture. She said she didn't want an anonymous sperm donor. Both her kids' dads are affluent married men happy to write a hush money check in lieu of her filing for CS. It's not enough for her to live a high end lifestyle, but it is more generous than any voluntary CS I've ever heard of a man paying. It is far cheaper than a divorce would be. Perhaps even cheaper than some diamonds to soothe an irate wife like Kobe Bryant had to buy. Anyway, Friend 2 exclusively dates married men. She doesn't meet them online. They aren't sugar daddies. They don't play stepdad to her kids. She meets most through her work (which isn't sex work or anything sleezy or trashy at all). It is, however, a very easy way to meet rich men and get their personal contact info right under the wives' noses. In fact, the last two men she dated were through women introducing her to their DH. My friend says she'll meet and marry someone when her younger child goes off to college.

So sad. And even sadder is that one of these is Op's position, if not her follow up post.

I'm the OP and I'm not in either one of the two positions nor did I write the follow-up.

[Anonymous]

There is a sense of pride in taking another woman's man

[Anonymous]

You are afraid of intimacy, real intimacy that is. You can fool yourself into thinking you want a real relationship with real intimacy and you just have bad luck falling for married men. But it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and your issues.

As long as you are with someone who can't be 100% present in the relationship, you will never be challenged by true intimacy. Being 100% open and intimate with someone is scary. And even the best of relationship can involve pain as you both work through issues and get closer. The closer you are the more buttons get pushed. But also the chance to heal old wounds is there. But that takes bravery to face the scary things inside ourselves.

Being with a married guy means you get all the fun with none of the work. But also none of the rewards either. You can waste your emotional energy bemoaning not being with him. Which feels like you are doing emotional work. But in reality protects you from the real, scary stuff inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a sense of pride in taking another woman's man

the first time I had an affair w/ a married man I would say that there was a lot of pride. He was an ex-BF, who I really wanted to marry. He ended up marrying someone else, who I of course can't stand. I hadn't seen him in 10 years, we reconnected and started an affair.

This second time is a bit different and I'm not sure why I'm doing it. We're just f buddies and I don't see him on a regular basis. I know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of intimacy, real intimacy that is. You can fool yourself into thinking you want a real relationship with real intimacy and you just have bad luck falling for married men. But it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and your issues.

As long as you are with someone who can't be 100% present in the relationship, you will never be challenged by true intimacy. Being 100% open and intimate with someone is scary. And even the best of relationship can involve pain as you both work through issues and get closer. The closer you are the more buttons get pushed. But also the chance to heal old wounds is there. But that takes bravery to face the scary things inside ourselves.

Being with a married guy means you get all the fun with none of the work. But also none of the rewards either. You can waste your emotional energy bemoaning not being with him. Which feels like you are doing emotional work. But in reality protects you from the real, scary stuff inside.

Op here - thank you for this! It makes total sense and I think it's one of my issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of intimacy, real intimacy that is. You can fool yourself into thinking you want a real relationship with real intimacy and you just have bad luck falling for married men. But it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and your issues.

As long as you are with someone who can't be 100% present in the relationship, you will never be challenged by true intimacy. Being 100% open and intimate with someone is scary. And even the best of relationship can involve pain as you both work through issues and get closer. The closer you are the more buttons get pushed. But also the chance to heal old wounds is there. But that takes bravery to face the scary things inside ourselves.

Being with a married guy means you get all the fun with none of the work. But also none of the rewards either. You can waste your emotional energy bemoaning not being with him. Which feels like you are doing emotional work. But in reality protects you from the real, scary stuff inside.

Amazing post!
OP won't here you though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of intimacy, real intimacy that is. You can fool yourself into thinking you want a real relationship with real intimacy and you just have bad luck falling for married men. But it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and your issues.

As long as you are with someone who can't be 100% present in the relationship, you will never be challenged by true intimacy. Being 100% open and intimate with someone is scary. And even the best of relationship can involve pain as you both work through issues and get closer. The closer you are the more buttons get pushed. But also the chance to heal old wounds is there. But that takes bravery to face the scary things inside ourselves.

Being with a married guy means you get all the fun with none of the work. But also none of the rewards either. You can waste your emotional energy bemoaning not being with him. Which feels like you are doing emotional work. But in reality protects you from the real, scary stuff inside.

Op here - thank you for this! It makes total sense and I think it's one of my issues.

So why don't you go to a therapist and work on your issues?

Is that too scary for you as well?