Initiating sex again after a long drought

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have now gone months without sex, for a variety of reasons -- growing apart, clinical depression, etc. Now it seems getting our sex life back on track is much harder than I would have thought. My wife is low-drive to begin with. I feel I need to aggressively, decisively initiate sex and just make it happen, but I fear rejection, further distance and there is definitely an awkward tension. We have had a couple of discussions about sex, which are never easy, but at least we did talk (a month or so ago). Advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry.

Do you have kids? Organize for them to be away, or find someone to watch them, and take your wife away. To Baltimore or Annapolis, or anywhere other than your house, for a night. Go to a play, to dinner. Listen to her. Talk with her. Let her know you love HER and you find her attractive and sexy and you want to please her and you want to remain close and loving and sex makes you feel close and loving.

Then do it. Multiple times. It doesn't have to be full on sex ... maybe just please HER. Make sure she is satisfied and ask for nothing in return. This is a jumpstart.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Alcohol and laughter.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have gone through this. It's hard to have sex after so long of not. It just feels awkward. Part of a good marriage is communication--even when it's uncomfortable.

We had had the talk but just didn't know how to get across that bridge. One night I sent the kids on a sleepover, made fun appetizers, and opened a bottle of wine. We just kept drinking. It led to easy fun sex and as the pp said, you just have to do it again until sex is the new norm.

Does she want to have sex with you? As in, she's not just doing it to appease you but she really wants sex for herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: if she wants sex with you she will initiate it.

Not necessarily true. Plenty of women need to be wooed and pursued before they feel sexy. And there are more than a few women who like sex just fine even though it doesn't occur to them to initiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have gone through this. It's hard to have sex after so long of not. It just feels awkward. Part of a good marriage is communication--even when it's uncomfortable.

We had had the talk but just didn't know how to get across that bridge. One night I sent the kids on a sleepover, made fun appetizers, and opened a bottle of wine. We just kept drinking. It led to easy fun sex and as the pp said, you just have to do it again until sex is the new norm.

Did sex become the new norm for you? If so, how long before sex could just be fun and casual without necessarily needing to ship out the kids and drink?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: if she wants sex with you she will initiate it.

Not necessarily true. Plenty of women need to be wooed and pursued before they feel sexy. And there are more than a few women who like sex just fine even though it doesn't occur to them to initiate.

+1 Our sex life is on life support - partly that's being hammered by daily life and partly having a 13 month old. My DW was always shy and has a little body insecurity, both of which are worse after the baby. There is no way on earth she's going to initiate.

I have to agree with the above advice about alcohol (or weed) and laughter. Pursue her and take charge so she knows you really want her, but you don't have to be physically aggressive.

[Anonymous]

We are in that boat as well... My wife never wants to get intimate or sleep naked or fool around with our kids (8, 5) right in the next rooms. She says she can't get comfortable with the idea of them hearing us or walking in on us. It seems the only way we can ever get busy is by going away to a hotel, or shipping the kids off to a sleepover, etc.

[Anonymous]

google sensate focus- it's a good way to get over awkwardness. it's recommended by therapists.

[Anonymous]

Get drunk, and if you're having a good fun easy time then kiss her and put your hands someplace that will escalate the encounter. Then just let it roll and try not to have it end too quickly. Although quick will be better than nothing! Once you've done it again then you immediately shed the burden of not having done it for months.

Then do it again and make sure to do it at least once a week.

I also read another thing that said that a good way to get back to intimacy is to set aside 20 minutes every single day to have physical intimacy. This doesn't necessarily mean sex. It can be cuddling in bed and kissing/touching. For me and DH this would usually turn into sex but it might be a way for both of you to make a conscious decision to move towards making it happening without putting all the pressure on 'THIS WILL HAPPEN TONIGHT.' I can't imagine this going on for more than a week without eventually escalating, especially if its at the forefront of both of your minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have now gone months without sex, for a variety of reasons -- growing apart, clinical depression, etc. Now it seems getting our sex life back on track is much harder than I would have thought. My wife is low-drive to begin with. I feel I need to aggressively, decisively initiate sex and just make it happen, but I fear rejection, further distance and there is definitely an awkward tension. We have had a couple of discussions about sex, which are never easy, but at least we did talk (a month or so ago). Advice?

You said it yourself: aggressively, decisively initiate sex. That is exactly what you must do.
If she "rejects" tonight, you just calmly ask her to plan her day tomorrow to ensure enough time and energy for sex tomorrow night.
It is not a rejection, it is an opportunity to book a next day appointment.

Stop having discussions about sex. THAT is awkward, way more awkward that just having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have gone through this. It's hard to have sex after so long of not. It just feels awkward. Part of a good marriage is communication--even when it's uncomfortable.

We had had the talk but just didn't know how to get across that bridge. One night I sent the kids on a sleepover, made fun appetizers, and opened a bottle of wine. We just kept drinking. It led to easy fun sex and as the pp said, you just have to do it again until sex is the new norm.

Did sex become the new norm for you? If so, how long before sex could just be fun and casual without necessarily needing to ship out the kids and drink?

It did. But sex for us has always been fun and we're both fairly high drive and we're still attracted to each other. The drought happened because of kids, depression, and sheer exhaustion. It probably took about 3 months of actually paying attention to the need to have sex to bring it back and then another year to get the intimacy back. We ended up going back to dating each other. And we treated each other as we would a new date--respectful, listening, kind, interested in what the other person had to say, consideration given to time and availability. I guess we stopped taking each other for granted.

Now it's much more easy, fun, and spontaneous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have now gone months without sex, for a variety of reasons -- growing apart, clinical depression, etc. Now it seems getting our sex life back on track is much harder than I would have thought. My wife is low-drive to begin with. I feel I need to aggressively, decisively initiate sex and just make it happen, but I fear rejection, further distance and there is definitely an awkward tension. We have had a couple of discussions about sex, which are never easy, but at least we did talk (a month or so ago). Advice?

You said it yourself: aggressively, decisively initiate sex. That is exactly what you must do.
If she "rejects" tonight, you just calmly ask her to plan her day tomorrow to ensure enough time and energy for sex tomorrow night.
It is not a rejection, it is an opportunity to book a next day appointment.

Stop having discussions about sex. THAT is awkward, way more awkward that just having sex.

I disagree with this. When DH would say that to me that registers as just one more thing someone wants from me at the time of day when I just want peace and quiet and to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alcohol and laughter.

+1000

Nothing removes the panties faster than wine and a good laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have now gone months without sex, for a variety of reasons -- growing apart, clinical depression, etc. Now it seems getting our sex life back on track is much harder than I would have thought. My wife is low-drive to begin with. I feel I need to aggressively, decisively initiate sex and just make it happen, but I fear rejection, further distance and there is definitely an awkward tension. We have had a couple of discussions about sex, which are never easy, but at least we did talk (a month or so ago). Advice?

You said it yourself: aggressively, decisively initiate sex. That is exactly what you must do.
If she "rejects" tonight, you just calmly ask her to plan her day tomorrow to ensure enough time and energy for sex tomorrow night.
It is not a rejection, it is an opportunity to book a next day appointment.

Stop having discussions about sex. THAT is awkward, way more awkward that just having sex.

I disagree with this. When DH would say that to me that registers as just one more thing someone wants from me at the time of day when I just want peace and quiet and to be alone.

+1. Life has been so challenging lately that I am busy and dealing with people from 6:30 until 10:00 pm. If I don't get that hour to myself, I will go insane.
DH and I need to go away for a weekend.