Initiating sex again after a long drought

[Anonymous]

I agree with wine and laughter but can I add, as someone who is usually a high-sex DW but who mysteriously went through a dry spell, please try an additional thing. For some reason, and I can't explain, the longer the dry spell was, the weirder I felt about the whole thing and when my DH would aggressively make the move, it REALLY turned me off and made it worse. What I was craving, first, was non sexual physical touch, where it was plainly clear that no sex was expected. A therapist told us to try this. DH wouldn't/couldn't and our dry spell got worse. After the therapist suggested this for the uptenth time, he finally gave in and did it--just casual stuff... a big increase in hugs hello and goodbye or in the kitchen or whatever. Frequent sweet smooches (no tongue). Hand-holding at a movie date or walking around the neighborhood at night. Hugging in bed at night. Playing with my hair while we watched TV. The kind of stuff he would have done in the very beginning of our courtship. It remarkably worked on me. Maybe 8-9 days later and I couldn't keep my hands off him and I initiated when I was ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcohol and laughter.

+1000

Nothing removes the panties faster than wine and a good laugh.

Yup, this. We had a long drought after each child was born (close to a year with the first) but once we started drinking wine again and just hanging out together, then ridiculously great sex resumed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with wine and laughter but can I add, as someone who is usually a high-sex DW but who mysteriously went through a dry spell, please try an additional thing. For some reason, and I can't explain, the longer the dry spell was, the weirder I felt about the whole thing and when my DH would aggressively make the move, it REALLY turned me off and made it worse. What I was craving, first, was non sexual physical touch, where it was plainly clear that no sex was expected. A therapist told us to try this. DH wouldn't/couldn't and our dry spell got worse. After the therapist suggested this for the uptenth time, he finally gave in and did it--just casual stuff... a big increase in hugs hello and goodbye or in the kitchen or whatever. Frequent sweet smooches (no tongue). Hand-holding at a movie date or walking around the neighborhood at night. Hugging in bed at night. Playing with my hair while we watched TV. The kind of stuff he would have done in the very beginning of our courtship. It remarkably worked on me. Maybe 8-9 days later and I couldn't keep my hands off him and I initiated when I was ready.

That's interesting. Did you feel any defensiveness to even the nonsexual touch (maybe fearing that it would lead to sexual touch?) I've tried to up the frequency of nonsexual touch with my wife and it either seems to not register or she finds it mildly annoying. Almost feels like I need to approach her with a sign that says, "I'M NOT TRYING TO BE SEXUAL WITH YOU."

[Anonymous]

You ladies are absolutely ridiculous. Don't act surprised when you find out about his piece on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ladies are absolutely ridiculous. Don't act surprised when you find out about his piece on the side.

Exactly, you bitches are not getting any non-sexual touches. Lay down and take it... All 7 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I agree with wine and laughter but can I add, as someone who is usually a high-sex DW but who mysteriously went through a dry spell, please try an additional thing. For some reason, and I can't explain, the longer the dry spell was, the weirder I felt about the whole thing and when my DH would aggressively make the move, it REALLY turned me off and made it worse. What I was craving, first, was non sexual physical touch, where it was plainly clear that no sex was expected. A therapist told us to try this. DH wouldn't/couldn't and our dry spell got worse. After the therapist suggested this for the uptenth time, he finally gave in and did it--just casual stuff... a big increase in hugs hello and goodbye or in the kitchen or whatever. Frequent sweet smooches (no tongue). Hand-holding at a movie date or walking around the neighborhood at night. Hugging in bed at night. Playing with my hair while we watched TV. The kind of stuff he would have done in the very beginning of our courtship. It remarkably worked on me. Maybe 8-9 days later and I couldn't keep my hands off him and I initiated when I was ready.



That's interesting. Did you feel any defensiveness to even the nonsexual touch (maybe fearing that it would lead to sexual touch?) I've tried to up the frequency of nonsexual touch with my wife and it either seems to not register or she finds it mildly annoying. Almost feels like I need to approach her with a sign that says, "I'M NOT TRYING TO BE SEXUAL WITH YOU."

This is the PP who wrote the paragraph above. YES. I definitely felt defensive, although in my case, I actually know that he was doing the nonsexual touching just to move to sexual touching since it always did every time. I know this sounds goofy, but try some communication with it. I know it might not seem real to you but find an opportunity to cuddle. And announce your intentions. Let's say you guys sit down to watch TV. Just say "hey, let's cuddle while we watch the show." And then... well, just cuddle. As much as you might want to, just take it slow. Hold her. Or stroke her hair. Or shoulder rub. But that's it. Look. As a highly sexual woman, I get it. It sounds ridiculous. But I went through it. And if my man had only just exercised some patience and restraint, we could have solved the issue a lot quicker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I agree with wine and laughter but can I add, as someone who is usually a high-sex DW but who mysteriously went through a dry spell, please try an additional thing. For some reason, and I can't explain, the longer the dry spell was, the weirder I felt about the whole thing and when my DH would aggressively make the move, it REALLY turned me off and made it worse. What I was craving, first, was non sexual physical touch, where it was plainly clear that no sex was expected. A therapist told us to try this. DH wouldn't/couldn't and our dry spell got worse. After the therapist suggested this for the uptenth time, he finally gave in and did it--just casual stuff... a big increase in hugs hello and goodbye or in the kitchen or whatever. Frequent sweet smooches (no tongue). Hand-holding at a movie date or walking around the neighborhood at night. Hugging in bed at night. Playing with my hair while we watched TV. The kind of stuff he would have done in the very beginning of our courtship. It remarkably worked on me. Maybe 8-9 days later and I couldn't keep my hands off him and I initiated when I was ready.



That's interesting. Did you feel any defensiveness to even the nonsexual touch (maybe fearing that it would lead to sexual touch?) I've tried to up the frequency of nonsexual touch with my wife and it either seems to not register or she finds it mildly annoying. Almost feels like I need to approach her with a sign that says, "I'M NOT TRYING TO BE SEXUAL WITH YOU."

This is the PP who wrote the paragraph above. YES. I definitely felt defensive, although in my case, I actually know that he was doing the nonsexual touching just to move to sexual touching since it always did every time. I know this sounds goofy, but try some communication with it. I know it might not seem real to you but find an opportunity to cuddle. And announce your intentions. Let's say you guys sit down to watch TV. Just say "hey, let's cuddle while we watch the show." And then... well, just cuddle. As much as you might want to, just take it slow. Hold her. Or stroke her hair. Or shoulder rub. But that's it. Look. As a highly sexual woman, I get it. It sounds ridiculous. But I went through it. And if my man had only just exercised some patience and restraint, we could have solved the issue a lot quicker.

Thanks. The nonsexual touching without escalation doesn't sound ridiculous. The announcing my intentions before hand kind of does though. If we cuddle or I rub her feet and I don't try to escalate, seems like that should do the trick. Having to announce before hand that I won't be trying to grope her makes me feel like some kind of predator.

[Anonymous]

And, other than telling him how he needs to act, what work were you doing to restore marital intimacy ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have now gone months without sex, for a variety of reasons -- growing apart, clinical depression, etc. Now it seems getting our sex life back on track is much harder than I would have thought. My wife is low-drive to begin with. I feel I need to aggressively, decisively initiate sex and just make it happen, but I fear rejection, further distance and there is definitely an awkward tension. We have had a couple of discussions about sex, which are never easy, but at least we did talk (a month or so ago). Advice?

You said it yourself: aggressively, decisively initiate sex. That is exactly what you must do.
If she "rejects" tonight, you just calmly ask her to plan her day tomorrow to ensure enough time and energy for sex tomorrow night.
It is not a rejection, it is an opportunity to book a next day appointment.

Stop having discussions about sex. THAT is awkward, way more awkward that just having sex.

I disagree with this. When DH would say that to me that registers as just one more thing someone wants from me at the time of day when I just want peace and quiet and to be alone.

Exactly. PP, how about you arrange *your* day so that your wife has energy left at the end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have now gone months without sex, for a variety of reasons -- growing apart, clinical depression, etc. Now it seems getting our sex life back on track is much harder than I would have thought. My wife is low-drive to begin with. I feel I need to aggressively, decisively initiate sex and just make it happen, but I fear rejection, further distance and there is definitely an awkward tension. We have had a couple of discussions about sex, which are never easy, but at least we did talk (a month or so ago). Advice?

You said it yourself: aggressively, decisively initiate sex. That is exactly what you must do.
If she "rejects" tonight, you just calmly ask her to plan her day tomorrow to ensure enough time and energy for sex tomorrow night.
It is not a rejection, it is an opportunity to book a next day appointment.

Stop having discussions about sex. THAT is awkward, way more awkward that just having sex.

I disagree with this. When DH would say that to me that registers as just one more thing someone wants from me at the time of day when I just want peace and quiet and to be alone.

Exactly. PP, how about you arrange *your* day so that your wife has energy left at the end?

This would have gotten my XH laid 4-5 times a week instead of once a month.

My SO of 4 years somehow understood this without my asking. Or he's just a considerate human being who doesn't want me to exhausted every day whether or not he's going to get an orgasm before he falls asleep.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, see in my house, taking a load off her doesn't fix anything. She'll just pick up new activities to make her exhausted. At the moment, it's marathon training.

End result is, I end up doing more and more of the necessary stuff, while she ends up doing more and more discretionary stuff that exhausts her and still doesn't result in sex.

[Anonymous]

^^ this is the exact scenario to ask wife to plan her day to ensure time/energy for sex. Assuming things are balanced, it is selfish of a spouse to consistently wear him/herself out doing more. Even if their choice of activity winds up being more stuff "for the kids" this is actually a form of selfishness to deny the marriage proper care and feeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, see in my house, taking a load off her doesn't fix anything. She'll just pick up new activities to make her exhausted. At the moment, it's marathon training.

End result is, I end up doing more and more of the necessary stuff, while she ends up doing more and more discretionary stuff that exhausts her and still doesn't result in sex.

Have you tried doing discretionary stuff with her? That helps couples bond. You don't have to be joined at the hip, but if she's into running and you are a couch potato that might be a big part of the problem. She may feel like you aren't interested in her as a person, just a way to get your rocks off and she might be turned off by your less fit body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, see in my house, taking a load off her doesn't fix anything. She'll just pick up new activities to make her exhausted. At the moment, it's marathon training.

End result is, I end up doing more and more of the necessary stuff, while she ends up doing more and more discretionary stuff that exhausts her and still doesn't result in sex.

Have you tried doing discretionary stuff with her? That helps couples bond. You don't have to be joined at the hip, but if she's into running and you are a couch potato that might be a big part of the problem. She may feel like you aren't interested in her as a person, just a way to get your rocks off and she might be turned off by your less fit body.

As to the running, I'm more fit than her (though I run fewer miles than she does). She feels self-conscious that she's slowing me down. I don't care, and I like running with her; but it makes her feel awkward, so I don't insist. As to your larger point, yes, we make an effort to do things together. It's a small thing, but my favorite time of the day is walking the dogs together now that the kids are old enough to stay home unattended for a little while. (This does not change the fact that she will fill up any free hours in her day. Her m.o. is to go-go-go until she's exhausted and then crash. She probably gets 9 hours of sleep per day compared to my 7 per day -- if that matters.)

The point being that I don't doubt that some wives want to have sex but have their days filled up by things that have to get done and that they would have more sex if their husbands would take care of some of those life necessities. But I don't think my situation -- having a wife who just isn't interested in making sex a priority -- is that unusual.

[Anonymous]

Bitches be crazy. Do this, don't do this. Do that, don't do that. Think about XYZ, don't think about XYZ. DCUM poster ZZZ offers another ten paragraph explanation about her youth, her dreams, her fears, etc. Good luck with some of the ideas offered here -- wine, talking, etc. -- but bitches be crazy, and you may be confined to masturbation like too many other ignored, unappreciated, viril DHs...