How to come to terms with giving up, accepting you won't have children
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Anonymous
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I never thought I'd write a post like this. I was always on the fence about having children, and I still am, actually. Someone could tell me tomorrow that I could indeed have a successful pregnancy, and I'd still have doubts and reservations. That's why I'm so confused about my emotions.
I've had multiple miscarriages. The last one, testing showed Down syndrome. Given my age (40), I suspect my eggs are just old. I don't want to go through another miscarriage. The hormonal rise and then abrupt fall was actually hard on me. But I still get these pangs of sadness. I don't want to do IVF. And, sure, the doctor says that I could still have a successful pregnancy. So you would think the pangs of sadness make me want to keep trying. But I just don't want to keep at it. The last 3 years have been exhausting. I'd like advice on how to move on and be okay with it. Anyone go through this? The most ridiculous part of it all is that I think I could be happy if I would just let go of that horrible feeling that I'm missing out on something. It's not even something I've ever been sure I wanted. |
Anonymous
| Op, so sorry for your losses. I have also been really conflicted about pros and cons. Why don't you want to do IVF? My DH and I thought we didn't want to and then we did a consult with a RE and the information helped us way the pros and cons. It seemed for us like a good option, but then I got pregnant on our own! We'll see if it sticks, and if it doesn't whether we decide to go back to baby-making attempts or stop, but I thought the information was really useful. |
Anonymous
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I am sorry. I think no matter what path you end up on, there will always be regrets and questions. This piece was helpful to me and my wife as we decided to try infertility treatments, and then to stop treatment (like you, we chose not to do IVF) and pursue adoption: http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
While adoption is not the answer for everyone, and it sounds like taking a break from the kid question is where you're at right now, I know folks in their 50s and 60s who are foster or adoptive parents, often of older kids, and it has worked out very well (though of course the kids have been through a lot and it can be a different type of parenting). So if it helps you to frame this choice not as "committing to being childless" but as "choosing to stop fertility treatment but leaving open the possibility of parenting down the road" then so be it. |
Anonymous
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If you aren't considering IVF, have you thought of embryo adoption? You would carry the child. Just putting it out there. We had a one way ticket to IVF--DH is MFI--so I knew I wanted children and our insurance covered it, so it was a no-brainer. We have a few frosties so to speak and I want to either transfer all of them or we have talked about adoption. We each have our own road, but there are so many ways to go about surviving IF, that you have to do what is best for you!
I also recommend *Conquering Infertility* by Alice Dolmar if you haven't already read it. It is one of my favorites in terms of sorting out your feelings. |
Anonymous
| Might be a better question somewhere else - or with a therapist etc - many of the folks on this board are or went through hell and fire to have kids, so will be inclined to self justify IVF or adoption or DE or other paths. |
Anonymous
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See a counselor.
It's totally normal to have ambivalent feelings and be sad about not having children, all at the same time. A good therapist will help you process it all. |
Anonymous
If you want a baby do IVF. Stop overthinking everything. If you don't want a baby badly enough then don't do it. If you do IVF so pgs testing. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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NP here and I think this is the perfect place for this question. It is an infertility question and this is the infertility board.
OP - we are in the process of making this decision, too, except that we're seeing an RE and I think we will try IVF. I always said, even out loud, that I would never do it and that if we didn't have kids we'd just travel the world, go out to eat all the time, and we'd be fine. But... I didn't feel fine. It's OK to be torn and confused about this. For me, the losses made me more sure I wanted to get pregnant. |
Anonymous
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OP: Why don't you want to do IVF? Is it a religious reason? PGS testing would be the way to go.
I never thought I would do IVF and I finally did, after being married for 10 years. It's the best decision ever, and I regret not starting the process earlier. I am 37 now. |
Anonymous
| Op we also said from the get go that we wouldn't do IVF. It's so mentally and physicAlly draining, not to mention the financial aspect. That's not how I wanted to bring a child into this world. Everyone I know who is childfree have awesome lives and marriages so I had great examples around me. |
Anonymous
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Not sure why everyone is pressing OP into doing IVF. It appears she can get pregnant on her own. She had multiple miscarriages and this could easily happen with IVF as well. + she is ambivalent about having kids in the first place. not very helpful.
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Anonymous
I think people are bringing it up because in OP's post she specifically mentioned not wanting to do it as though it were an option. Also, PGS testing is something that might be able to prevent future miscarriages and IVF is the only way to do that type of testing before pregnancy. OP should certainly make whatever decision is right for her. I don't think most posters were pressuring, just sharing that they, too, had reservations about IVF and had to make the same decision. |
Anonymous
It sure sounds like what you've been doing already is physically draining so, is it mainly the cost or the unnatural aspect of it? |
Anonymous
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OP, my DH and I decided not to do IVF. Part of it was financial and partly the fact that I have other health issues and have worked very hard just to keep and attain the level of health I have.
I just always assumed I would have children "someday" but was never child-obsessed like many women I knew. Married late and started in my mid-30s. I was never even able to get pregnant at all. We had some financial setbacks and career problems and had to get through those before even considering investing funds into infertility treatments. I've ended up feeling like I can not talk to others about the decision, because the pressure to do IVF is real. I've since gone through a surprisingly early menopause. We always thought we would adopt, but are in our late 40s now and really don't want to that as well. I've been depressed off and on for awhile, am seeing a therapist, but feel as though I have no one, except my DH and one other friend, to talk to about the whole situation without being pressured to adopt or do some heroic medical procedure to get pregnant. One thing I am doing is trying to think of all the couples or singles I admired in my life who did not have children. I am older, so knew many people who were childless before IVF was an option and got on with their lives the best they could. I also knew many adoptees who were never happy with their adopted parents and had serious problems (which has also affected my interest in adoption.) I'm allowing myself to grieve too, and accept that I have mixed feelings. Have found that the reddit Infertility Childfree community has been helpful--https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/ Basically I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not interested in overcoming what seem like overwhelming odds and overwhelming expenses to have a family. I do feel like I am missing out and will never have the experiences of others. Trying to move forward and live the life I have. |