How to come to terms with giving up, accepting you won't have children

[Anonymous]

OP, one more vote for reddit's /r/IFchildfree forum. I'm somewhat active on their /r/infertility sub, and just today (yesterday? oy, time) someone posted a similar question, and they were indeed directed to Infertility Childfree. Beware, though: unless you're ready for vitriol, don't bother with /r/childfree - that's more for people childless by specific, purposeful, don't-ever-want-kids choice.

Good luck on the road ahead, and peace to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say that I really relate to everything you are saying, OP-thanks for posting! I am almost 44 and am also in the process of trying to make peace with the fact that I won't have kids (at least not biological kids) and most likely won't adopt either. It can be hard for those of us in the middle who aren't childfree by choice but for whatever reason aren't willing or able to do everything it takes to get pregnant no matter what the emotional or financial cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say that I really relate to everything you are saying, OP-thanks for posting! I am almost 44 and am also in the process of trying to make peace with the fact that I won't have kids (at least not biological kids) and most likely won't adopt either. It can be hard for those of us in the middle who aren't childfree by choice but for whatever reason aren't willing or able to do everything it takes to get pregnant no matter what the emotional or financial cost.

OP here. Thank you. It helps to hear that there are others with the same perspective/outlook. I feel like I don't fully relate to the people on the childfree forums because it's not completely by choice, and there's still hurt and disappointment I feel that I haven't been able to put behind me. But I also have trouble relating to the people on the infertility forums because I don't want to do all of the interventions and treatments and pursue all of those options. But I'm ready to move on. I feel like my life has been stalled these last few years. I don't want to put my life on hold anymore for something that isn't likely to happen. But I feel like there is this pressure to not move on until you've exhausted every last option, spent every last dime, and have pushed your body to the brink. While doing all of that will mean I can say for certain "I tried everything," I actually think it will make me feel worse. And I honestly don't believe any of it would be successful anyhow.

I have always felt conflicted about kids. I think that's part of the problem. I feel like most people have strong feelings one way or the other. Of the people I know who seemed to be ambivalent, they kind of just let things happen and ended up with kids. The people I know who don't have them either definitely didn't want them or tried *everything* to have them and still couldn't. I guess I just don't know any women I can truly relate to when it comes to the issue of infertility and children. My husband is on the same page. But it would help to know other women with a similar perspective/experience. At least then I wouldn't feel like a failure. This forum kind of makes me feel like I'm even a failure at being infertile. Or a quitter. But the miscarriages I went through were rough. The last one especially. I know I'm done with trying.

Thanks for listening, PP. And peace to you.