How to come to terms with giving up, accepting you won't have children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why everyone is pressing OP into doing IVF. It appears she can get pregnant on her own. She had multiple miscarriages and this could easily happen with IVF as well. + she is ambivalent about having kids in the first place. not very helpful.

OP here. Thank you for posting. I'm a little frustrated. I didn't ask about IVF. I asked for people who have come to terms with not having children to give me advice on how they found peace with it.

And of course, everyone jumps on urging me to do IVF. I get that people are trying to be helpful, but I wish they just wouldn't respond. I was really hoping to hear from people who have come to terms with not having children -- not people trying to convince me I should do everything possible to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH and I decided not to do IVF. Part of it was financial and partly the fact that I have other health issues and have worked very hard just to keep and attain the level of health I have.

I just always assumed I would have children "someday" but was never child-obsessed like many women I knew. Married late and started in my mid-30s. I was never even able to get pregnant at all. We had some financial setbacks and career problems and had to get through those before even considering investing funds into infertility treatments.

I've ended up feeling like I can not talk to others about the decision, because the pressure to do IVF is real. I've since gone through a surprisingly early menopause. We always thought we would adopt, but are in our late 40s now and really don't want to that as well.

I've been depressed off and on for awhile, am seeing a therapist, but feel as though I have no one, except my DH and one other friend, to talk to about the whole situation without being pressured to adopt or do some heroic medical procedure to get pregnant.

One thing I am doing is trying to think of all the couples or singles I admired in my life who did not have children. I am older, so knew many people who were childless before IVF was an option and got on with their lives the best they could. I also knew many adoptees who were never happy with their adopted parents and had serious problems (which has also affected my interest in adoption.)

I'm allowing myself to grieve too, and accept that I have mixed feelings.

Have found that the reddit Infertility Childfree community has been helpful--https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/

Basically I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not interested in overcoming what seem like overwhelming odds and overwhelming expenses to have a family. I do feel like I am missing out and will never have the experiences of others. Trying to move forward and live the life I have.

OP here. Thank you so much for your post. Really. If anything, this thread has proven how much pressure people do put on you to do IVF. It's like I can't even talk about it with other people who are infertile because they start on the "well, why won't you do IVF or donor eggs."

I don't want to have to explain my resistance to IVF, but I have good reasons.

I really just wanted advice about making peace. Your post at least makes me feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

Peace OP. One day at a time. I am sorry you got bombarded re IVF. It isn't always the answer! I wish that you could get more answers or advice instead of the ones you did. No advice just know that you will find peace if you keep looking for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why everyone is pressing OP into doing IVF. It appears she can get pregnant on her own. She had multiple miscarriages and this could easily happen with IVF as well. + she is ambivalent about having kids in the first place. not very helpful.

OP here. Thank you for posting. I'm a little frustrated. I didn't ask about IVF. I asked for people who have come to terms with not having children to give me advice on how they found peace with it.

And of course, everyone jumps on urging me to do IVF. I get that people are trying to be helpful, but I wish they just wouldn't respond. I was really hoping to hear from people who have come to terms with not having children -- not people trying to convince me I should do everything possible to have them.

OP other than that one really helpful PP, I honestly don't think this is the right board for the type of support you are looking for. this is a board for people trying to have kids (that is part of a larger message board for parents). I wish you peace as you come to terms with this decisions. I'm not in your shoes but I will give you one piece of advice I read years ago on this board that has stuck with me. It is really only in the past 50 or so years that most people could actually choose how many kids they had. Before that, without good birth control many people had more kids than they wanted and without infertility treatments, others had no kids at all. So this idea that you decide how many kids you want and then get that number of kids, is a new concept. Those of us dealing with infertility are dealing with a disappointment that affected many more couples just a few generations ago.

[Anonymous]

I suspect most people who have made peace with not having kids are not hanging out on infertility message boards. I wish I could think of a better place to ask the question but none immediately come to mind.

There are several books and websites by people who are "childless not by choice" -- you could google that phrase. The woman who wrote Silent Sorority is one of them.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I took infertility support and discussion to mean just that.

Is it really true that there are no women on DCUM who have made peace with the likelihood they can't have kids?

Is there an acceptable time to give up?

You mean there's no one on this forum who is debating that right now? Who is tired and would like to move forward and wants to discuss that?

It's an infertility board, but we're not allowed to seek support in making peace with infertility?

That's absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peace OP. One day at a time. I am sorry you got bombarded re IVF. It isn't always the answer! I wish that you could get more answers or advice instead of the ones you did. No advice just know that you will find peace if you keep looking for it.

OP here. Thank you.

I'll be okay. I was just hoping to hear from other women who have made peace with infertility and moved on and found a way to navigate all of the societal BS that makes infertility so much harder. As I wrote in my post, I honestly thing I would be okay if I didn't get the constant message from society that somehow I'm a failure who has nothing to look forward to in life. Even the posts here made me feel like somehow there must be something wrong with me that I'm not willing to try every.last.possible.treatment in order to make a baby.

[Anonymous]

For me, the peace will come knowing I have tried ever single thing. I am almost at the end of road. We tried. We did the best we could. I've come to peace because I have had a lot of time to think while still trying. Things like - well if I don't get pregnant I can have wine/travel/do those really hard workouts I love/eat whatever . . . I'll also get my money back from shared risk and get a new kitchen. Retire early.

I'll always feel like I missed out, but I've come to peace knowing there are pros and knowing that I've tried and that it is time to move on. I didn't want any regrets.

Maybe that is why so many say to try IVF? I don't know your age, but maybe you don't have to make a permanent decision.

I am 42. Donor egg has also failed and we've been trying for years! It is time for me to move on.

[Anonymous]

How does your dh feel?

You'll find it much easier to move on if you unite with each other and agree to move forward together and focus on the aspects of life (career, travel, hobbies, etc). If your dh is hesitant, then it's going to be too hard to get over it. There will be this nagging and fleeting thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Mindfulness therapy. It was enormously helpful to me in a somewhat similar situation - I had one kid, got sick and was told I could not have more (yes, I realize there is a world of difference between no kids at all and no more). But, I think it could help here as well. It's about relearning the way you approach life. It really helped me enjoy and appreciate the life I was living and let go of "the plan" and my expectations/assumptions about what my future should look like. Very freeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does your dh feel?

You'll find it much easier to move on if you unite with each other and agree to move forward together and focus on the aspects of life (career, travel, hobbies, etc). If your dh is hesitant, then it's going to be too hard to get over it. There will be this nagging and fleeting thoughts.

My DH is at peace with it. Like me, he was always ambivalent about having kids. He also is on the same page about not doing IVF. We are both confident we don't want to. I don't want to go into them, but we have good reasons. No, they are not religious.

He is ready to move forward. I think I am, too. I find the judgment and the societal pressure the most difficult, but I think that is directed more at women anyhow. My husband never hears people say that a man is not fully a man unless he has kids. But I'm bombarded constantly with the message that I'm not fully a woman unless I am a mother and that I'm supposed to do everything possible (no matter what physical or emotional toll it takes on me) in order to achieve that and only then am I allowed to move on.

The doctor pushed IVF hard, even knowing that that might not even work.

We were at a friend's kid's event, and I overheard one of the other fathers ask my husband if he had kids. My husband said no, and the other guy, the father, blurted out "good for you." It wasn't said in a snarky way. But when women ask me if I have kids, they give me a kind of, "oh, sorry, dear," kind of expression.

If nothing else, this thread has helped me realize how ready I am to move forward and how what has really been stopping me isn't that I don't think I can be happy without children (because I actually do think I can be happy without children) but that I feel like somehow society deems me as lesser because I don't have them.

[Anonymous]

Have you seen a counselor? We really struggled with this, too. I'm still struggling with it. It's a complicated situation.

A counselor can help you sort through the ambivalence and give you some tools for interacting with other people and their expectations.

And look at what Jennifer Anniston just wrote! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/for-the-record_us_57855586e4b03fc3ee4e626f

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, the peace will come knowing I have tried ever single thing. I am almost at the end of road. We tried. We did the best we could. I've come to peace because I have had a lot of time to think while still trying. Things like - well if I don't get pregnant I can have wine/travel/do those really hard workouts I love/eat whatever . . . I'll also get my money back from shared risk and get a new kitchen. Retire early.

I'll always feel like I missed out, but I've come to peace knowing there are pros and knowing that I've tried and that it is time to move on. I didn't want any regrets.

Maybe that is why so many say to try IVF? I don't know your age, but maybe you don't have to make a permanent decision.

I am 42. Donor egg has also failed and we've been trying for years! It is time for me to move on.

+100. That was me. I need to know that I have tried IVF at least once to feel at peace. I want to look back with no regrets.

OP not sure why you won't explain your reasons for not doing IVF since this is all anonymous. On this board, you may find someone who is at peace with not having kids but that's probably someone who has done IVF twice or something.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you want validation and only you can give yourself that validation. My best friend is child-free, not from IF (she offered me her DH'S sperm when we found out mine didn't have any! Lol). I really looked to her for support during my treatments. Child-free couples continue to be some of my favorite people and they love my IVF babies--since they can give them back! Heh. Resolve has resources and groups for IF couples who have decided child free is right for them.

I am honestly wondering if it is your peer group who are making you feel like you must have kids--basically there are very few couples with kids in mine. In fact, I know a lot of single women in their mid-to-late 30s who never want to get pregnant or get married. Maybe find some new friends/stop going (just for a bit) to children's parties.

[Anonymous]

My situation is a little different from yours. I'm single, so my choice is to do IVF and raise kids on my own or just not have kids. I always assumed I would have kids, but now I'm thinking I could be happy without kids. I'm 35, so I have to make the choice soon. I actually like my life right now. I do what I please, go to yoga, go out with friends whenever I'm in the mood, take classes to learn new things, etc. To be honest, I don't even know how I would take care of a child with my schedule. The only thing I worry about is whether I will be lonely when I am old and my parents are gone. I figure if I do regret not having children, I can be a foster mom. I would have to be really desperate to want to take care of someone else's kids though and am pretty sure I will never want to do that. I think the key to being happy without children is to have other things to do in life.