S/O playdates, socializing and SES

[Anonymous]

In another thread some posters said that they found it hard to get lower SES classmates to come to birthday parties, play dates etc. Please forgive this middle class white-person question...but why is that? Is there a cultural/ethnic/social divide issue?

[Anonymous]

Count your blessings, I held a party and 1/2 the parents who showed up were expecting a full party for them too. After treating snacks and appetizers as a meal they started eating the kids food. One even opened some of the gift bags to pull out some of the candy and another followed suit when I only passively stopped her.

The groups inherent class was perfectly split up by the classes. Some Basic separation of the SES is a natural and necessary part of society based on commonality. Just like at work and everything else that is results based, people clump together based on similar interests, values and station instead of some idealistic notion that we can all be friends.

[Anonymous]

It's a lot of things. It can be a distance issue, or a lack of transportation. Many have single parents and it just isn't possible to do as many social events as a single parent. Or some parents work on the weekend so someone else is watching the kids. And of course sometimes there is an issue of not speaking English. Sometimes there is a social norm of whole-family socializing rather than kid-only. It can help if you make it clear that parents and siblings are welcome to come and stay the whole time. Also, and this is by no means limited to low-income people, but if you aren't a churchgoer you may not realize how much weekend time is taken up by church stuff for some people.

I have found it helps to 1) invite the whole class 2) Have the party on the neighborhood playground rather than far away 3) Don't do a party that costs money, even if you're paying for everyone and 4) Include a Spanish translation of the invitation. You can ask the teacher if that would be helpful

[Anonymous]

It's a culture issue - poor Americans are happy for their kids to go on playdates and learn that some people live in homes without roaches.

But some Asian people think sleepovers are weird. Some Latinos only play with their extended family.

[Anonymous]

Another middle class white person (MCWP) here, speculating along with you.

Maybe the absent invitees are embarrassed that any gift they bring, possibly at some hardship to them, would not be appreciated by the birthday child/family, certainly not to the extent of the cost it would impose on the donor.

Or maybe they're concerned that these parties will set a standard to which they do not wish to be held. They want to avoid disappointing their own kids when those kids don't get an hour of insanity and a full lunch spread at Pump It Up for their own birthdays.

Or maybe they're working a shift that conflicts with the scheduling of the party/playdate, or the time/cost of traveling to the venue on public transit is also a hardship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Count your blessings, I held a party and 1/2 the parents who showed up were expecting a full party for them too. After treating snacks and appetizers as a meal they started eating the kids food. One even opened some of the gift bags to pull out some of the candy and another followed suit when I only passively stopped her.

The groups inherent class was perfectly split up by the classes. Some Basic separation of the SES is a natural and necessary part of society based on commonality. Just like at work and everything else that is results based, people clump together based on similar interests, values and station instead of some idealistic notion that we can all be friends.

If your kids are not "drop off" age, not providing meals for the adults is extremely classless, in my opinion. If you make me spend from 11:00 - 1:00 at your place, I don't want to stand around awkwardly to see if I get to eat the last slice of delivery pizza after the kids are done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Count your blessings, I held a party and 1/2 the parents who showed up were expecting a full party for them too. After treating snacks and appetizers as a meal they started eating the kids food. One even opened some of the gift bags to pull out some of the candy and another followed suit when I only passively stopped her.

The groups inherent class was perfectly split up by the classes. Some Basic separation of the SES is a natural and necessary part of society based on commonality. Just like at work and everything else that is results based, people clump together based on similar interests, values and station instead of some idealistic notion that we can all be friends.

If your kids are not "drop off" age, not providing meals for the adults is extremely classless, in my opinion. If you make me spend from 11:00 - 1:00 at your place, I don't want to stand around awkwardly to see if I get to eat the last slice of delivery pizza after the kids are done with it.

+1, their behavior is embarrassing, but so is yours. I've never experienced birthday parties where guests aren't provided food of some substance until I moved to the DC area. Always the same demographic too.

[Anonymous]

Adults who are expected to patiently attend a child's birthday party and socialize with people they barely know while observing bouncy castles, etc. should be offered food and an adult beverage. It's called civilization.

[Anonymous]

My son is just a toddler so we're just now getting into the birthday party scene, but based on my interactions with low SES parents in my neighborhood, I think it can often come down to just not having much in common. DH and I live adjacent to a large public housing development and any time we interact with the section 8 neighbors, even those we have known for several years, it can feel like we are on different planets. Even with the friendliest neighbors we just have nothing in common and it's hard to develop much of a relationship. I have noticed the same in chatting with parents at the playground. I meet friendly parents with nice kids among the low SES neighbors, but we never really manage to connect that well--at least not so far.

I haven't had this experience in a school setting yet, but I would guess it is similar.

[Anonymous]

Its cause they don't have stars on thars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is just a toddler so we're just now getting into the birthday party scene, but based on my interactions with low SES parents in my neighborhood, I think it can often come down to just not having much in common. DH and I live adjacent to a large public housing development and any time we interact with the section 8 neighbors, even those we have known for several years, it can feel like we are on different planets. Even with the friendliest neighbors we just have nothing in common and it's hard to develop much of a relationship. I have noticed the same in chatting with parents at the playground. I meet friendly parents with nice kids among the low SES neighbors, but we never really manage to connect that well--at least not so far.

I haven't had this experience in a school setting yet, but I would guess it is similar.

food, weather, sports, crappiness of DC metro / bus / police / etc... really, nothing?

I get not being best buddies talking opera and rugby, but it's hard to believe you can't find something to talk about while the kids play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Count your blessings, I held a party and 1/2 the parents who showed up were expecting a full party for them too. After treating snacks and appetizers as a meal they started eating the kids food. One even opened some of the gift bags to pull out some of the candy and another followed suit when I only passively stopped her.

The groups inherent class was perfectly split up by the classes. Some Basic separation of the SES is a natural and necessary part of society based on commonality. Just like at work and everything else that is results based, people clump together based on similar interests, values and station instead of some idealistic notion that we can all be friends.

Well you seem super pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Transportation - On the weekends many bus schedules are less frequent.

Language - It is not just reading the invitation but barriers to RSVPing and asking questions about the event.

Social Norms - I have found that culturally any event for a family member in a Latina family trumps anything else.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I have to agree with the pp. I'm an African American middle-class parent of a toddler. I'm comfortable in all settings. Yet I sometimes get the impression that some of the white families don't even try to strike up a conversation with me and my husband. My husband and I were just speaking about this the other day. Is there really such a cultural divide? I've traveled all over the world and think I have lots to say about many topics, but often find if I don't initiate the conversation it doesn't happen. Very interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is just a toddler so we're just now getting into the birthday party scene, but based on my interactions with low SES parents in my neighborhood, I think it can often come down to just not having much in common. DH and I live adjacent to a large public housing development and any time we interact with the section 8 neighbors, even those we have known for several years, it can feel like we are on different planets. Even with the friendliest neighbors we just have nothing in common and it's hard to develop much of a relationship. I have noticed the same in chatting with parents at the playground. I meet friendly parents with nice kids among the low SES neighbors, but we never really manage to connect that well--at least not so far.

I haven't had this experience in a school setting yet, but I would guess it is similar.

food, weather, sports, crappiness of DC metro / bus / police / etc... really, nothing?

I get not being best buddies talking opera and rugby, but it's hard to believe you can't find something to talk about while the kids play.

PP here. I certainly don't mean the above as an excuse not to try--just as an explanation as to why people might not feel that comfortable attending a birthday party with very different families. I'm pretty sure that the disconnect is felt on both sides and maybe some low SES families would prefer not to spend several hours of their weekend in a potentially awkward social situation. I know that this doesn't hold true for everyone in every situation but I would suggest it is one possible answer to OP's question.