FTM - will I want my mom right away?

[Anonymous]

Mom lives in CA so it's a hike that will require some planning. She's talking about things like moving to a condo near DC for a month or two near the birth so she can be ready and here to help.

She's a good person and we generally get along well. But I'm also fiercely independent (see moving 3000 miles away) and I don't typically like to be vulnerable around anyone but my husband.

I think she'd respect whatever I want, but having not been through it I don't know what that is. Suggestions? Anyone navigate something similar?

[Anonymous]

I wish I had asked my mom to stay. I was like you, very independent and we wanted to be alone at first. However, hindsight is 20/20, I would ask her to come for as long as she could now.

[Anonymous]

No answers but I'm puzzling through the same questions. My mother lives an hour away, but my MIL, who I'm also very close to, is thinking of subletting nearby for a month after the birth. She's wonderful and we get along great, and she is very respectful of boundaries and "gets" the whole new mom thing (she was an obgyn nurse) but I am so independent and really only feel comfortable crying in front of my husband, so I just have no idea of anticipating how much space- or help- I'll want. I'm incredibly grateful for the option to choose, and I'm leaning towards having her come, but with the understanding where there may be entire days where we don't see her.

[Anonymous]

I'm incredibly independent - moved out at 17 and never lived at home again even for a summer. I wanted my mom there and cried when she had to leave.

[Anonymous]

You sound very similar to me as a FTM. My mom is also on the West Coast, so her visit really had to be planned. Fortunately for me--I thought--my kid was due about 10 days before a really important date in her work calendar. (Think tax accountant and tax day.) So, we planned that she would just fly out that day after her work stuff was done. I knew more than anything that I didn't want her here BEFORE the baby came because we would just drive each other nuts.

My baby ended up coming the day before his due date, and we were EAGER for her to get here 11 days later. We needed an extra set of hands by that point. (Yes, you can do it on your own, and many people do, but we wanted help!)

Anyway, this time, she's planning to come a couple days after my due date. (This time, I happen to be due about 2 weeks before her busy season at work begins, so she'll come for those 2 weeks!)

This time, she's also buying her tickets on Southwest because they're so reasonable about making changes.

Also, I get your concerns about vulnerability/privacy. I found that all that stuff went away after I'd given birth in front of 10 people, and once I was sleep deprived and desperate for help. I've slowly returned to my previous self, but I anticipate this second childbirth having the same effect again.

[Anonymous]

PP 19:58 here and very reassured by the other pps

[Anonymous]

I'm jealous. I'd love a mom like yours. Be sure to appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

FTM and I'm one month PP and my mom has been an amazing help. She came two days after we got home from the hospital and helped with everything from cooking to laundry and just general upkeep around the house. Having her here really allowed DH and I to focus on the baby. She was also very helpful once DH went back to work and helped assure me that I could do it on my own during those days. Definitely ask her to come and stay as long as she is willing. You won't regret it and will enjoy being able to focus on your little one without worring about other things!

[Anonymous]

I'm extremely independent (lots of international solo travel, never lived at home at all after age 18, etc.) yet close to my mom. I was very glad to have her come stay with me shortly after the birth. However, some things she does did drive me nuts (she is messy and I'm neurotically neat and was that was x100 with all the hormones). Even with that, I missed her when she was gone because my husband had to go back to work quickly and my recovery was not the easiest. Just physically, it was a huge help to have someone around who, quite frankly, would do absolutely anything for me (like wash bloody underwear, clean up my child's diaper explosion in the car seat, cook me food, etc.) The idea of having your mom nearby but NOT in your house for a couple months sounds amazing. I'm actually considering asking my parents to do that when our second is born. It's the best of all worlds.

[Anonymous]

Also a FTM interested in this question. My mom is in the mid-west, and MIL is west cost. Both have offered to help out and agreed to my mom coming out first, then MIL coming out after her. They'd be staying WITH us, as opposed to in a hotel.

I love them dearly, and I think we could survive a week or two of each helping out, but unsure how soon we'll want them here.

[Anonymous]

I'm a new FTM. No way in hell would I have wanted anyone other than dh around all the time. For me, I needed that time to get to know our son and establish new routines. I was not anxious at all and the adjustment was really rather smooth, but having someone around all the time woukd have made me on edge. I didn't need any help, so having a third adult around would have just meant more work.

Only you know what you will need and want. Do you think you will need help? How will she react if you end up wanting privacy? What does dh think?

[Anonymous]

I didn't. My MIL came at 10 days postpartum. It was too soon. My mom couldn't come until 1 month and it was perfect.

I'm independent too and I like figuring things out on my own. I honestly didn't feel like I settled into parenthood until my DH went back to work and it was just baby and me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm incredibly independent - moved out at 17 and never lived at home again even for a summer. I wanted my mom there and cried when she had to leave.

+1 I literally cried all the way home from the airport and my Mom and I are not super close.

A big question-- will your husband be home after the baby is born? Mine had to go back to work immediately so I really needed my Mom for basic support. There was no way I was ready to be alone with a newborn after a week. I might have felt differently if he could have been home with me.

Also, my Mom is very laid back. If I had an overbearing mother I would probably feel differently.

[Anonymous]

My mom was literally the only person I would have wanted there right after the birth. Sadly she died before we had children. I would not have wanted and did not have anyone else there until 2 weeks after the birth. I didn't want anyone there before or during besides my husband and birth team.

[Anonymous]

I had an unexpected c section. With my husband back at work it was great to have my Mom pick up around the house, make me meals and keep me company. She came with me to Dr. appointments and that was a huge help since I wasn't able to lift anything more than the baby and I couldn't drive either. She was respectful of boundaries and really only spiked my blood pressure one time in the two week period she stayed with us (we are not super close). It was nice because she became more vested in the baby and now always asks about my Dr. appointments, the baby's weight gain and how things are around the house.