FTM - will I want my mom right away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm incredibly independent - moved out at 17 and never lived at home again even for a summer. I wanted my mom there and cried when she had to leave.

I, too, am very independent, but I really wanted my mom and was so glad she was there. Not only was she really helpful and supportive, it was such a nice time for us to bond in a new way. I remember the month she stayed with us as truly wonderful.

[Anonymous]

My parents came out right away and stayed in a hotel during our first few days home from the hospital. They were great. Mom cooked, they both cleaned, just kept things going in the house and were an extra set of hands.

Then they went home, and DH and I had a couple more weeks just us. He took three weeks off total.

Around six weeks, Mom came back by herself for about a week. THAT was amazing. Sleep deprivation had added up by that point, I was hitting a low, and Mom just swooped in and kept me company and loved the baby and made food and let us go out for a date. It was marvelous.

I highly recommend it if they can swing two flights--give you and DH some time to find your feet then come back for a mid-maternity leave visit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer two common questions, my mom is the actual helpful and capable type. She would certainly not be a burden generally. Husband will likely stay home two weeks.

I'm kind of thinking I want most of that two weeks just the three of us. Then mom could come toward the end of it?

Having your mom come right when DH goes back to work sounds like a good idea. Three weeks out, you could still be recovering a good bit (especially if you have a c-section) and would enjoy the help and company.

[Anonymous]

I am not close with my mom. We have had a very strained relationship for the past 15 years and very rarely speak. The only time she had met my husband was at our wedding. During pregnancy she started reaching out to me more, and I could tell she was very excited for me. 2 weeks after baby was born I let her come for a weekend with my sister and her joy was palpable. Fast forward a few weeks, I exclusively pump and was struggling with some postpartum anxiety and just desperately needed some help. I decided to bring her out for a week, and it is honestly the best I've felt postpartum. We have already extended her stay and are planning for her to come back for longer next weekend. She is absolutely in love with my DS. There is something immeasurably comforting about having help and support from someone who loves your baby as much as you do. Just being able to run quick errands, get a pedicure, etc and know he's in good hands is amazing. All that's to say, do it. Take whatever help you can from her. Being a FTM is hard, and it really does take a village. And there's something pretty amazing about a baby that has enabled us to put our baggage aside and just marvel at this new little hopeful life.

[Anonymous]

I wanted my mom here both times because I had a c-section and while DH and I could take care of the baby, I needed someone to take care of ME. And with #2, she has been a tremendous help with taking care of #1 -- for example, she's gotten her out of bed, on the potty, and down for breakfast every morning so far. That alone has been a tremendous help. I owe her big time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm very independent as well. I love my Mom, but we aren't close enough that I wanted her at my house right away.

Like you, my DH was going to be home for the first two weeks. I wanted that time for our new little family to kind of get settled and figure stuff out.

I also don't like to be vulnerable and/or emotional around my parents, so I felt like I needed some buffer time before they came and just after having the baby.

I have no regrets with my choice and am glad we had that time alone.

I think you'll like being your family of 3 at first, especially since you'll have your DH there to help you. Might as well have your Mom come once he's going back to work. Kind of spreads out the help a bit, anyway.

Congrats and good luck!

[Birdmom5]

I think its great that you recognize your independence but still consider her help!! Sounds like you have a great mom! Can she come and you guys just play it by ear?

[Anonymous]

Why can't you and your DH take care of your own child?

[Anonymous]

My mom very much wanted to help but unfortunately my dad was very sick at the time, so she had to focus on him. MIL came the day we brought DS home. She cooked, cleaned and even washed our patio, which badly needed it. DS was not a fussy newborn, so everyone was tricked into thinking that he was easy to care for, and MIL decamped after 4 days instead of the 2 weeks she initially offered. Well within days DS really started to show us what he's capable of, lol. Luckily my mom came around that time and she did a lot of cooking, which was a tremendous help.

I'd get all the help I could line up now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you and your DH take care of your own child?

Don't be catty. Not too long ago, grandparents and extended family often pitched in with children. I have great memories of spending lots of time at my grandparents', as my parents worked hard hours. OP is lucky that her mom is offering to help.

[Anonymous]

For me the hardest part were the first couple of weeks, so having her there in the beginning was the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only your mother will want to take care of YOU as much as the baby and will understand what you are going through. I had my mom first and then my MIL and then my sister, which was the perfect progression of help and me getting my independence back. I was lucky, I know, but if you have the help available, take it.

For subsequent babies, I would have taken help from anyone off the street -- I knew what I was doing and just needed more hands and time to keep the other kids afloat.

This was the nicest part of having my mom--she was the only person who mothered me as much as she did the baby. She bought groceries and cooked meals. She got up with me during the night feedings to keep me company. She brought me water and snacks when I was nursing. She also helped care for the baby, but I felt like...I could do that part, but it was harder to take care of myself. With a new baby, I put the baby first, and she put me first. Plus, honestly, it was nice to have someone to talk to, someone to get out of the house with, someone to watch TV with, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you and your DH take care of your own child?

Don't be catty. Not too long ago, grandparents and extended family often pitched in with children. I have great memories of spending lots of time at my grandparents', as my parents worked hard hours. OP is lucky that her mom is offering to help.

I assume that most people CAN take care of the baby themselves. But that doesn't mean that help isn't appreciated, or that it isn't nice to have family around. Throughout most of the world and most of history, relatives have helped care for new moms and babies.

[Anonymous]

All depends on your mom. My mom was prepping for shoulder surgery, so didn't feel comfortable holding the baby. And, really, she wanted me to wait on her/serve her. it sort of sucked and she lectured me about eating too much bread. OH - and she got the flu.
And, i love my mom, a lot. it was just too much, too soon and not the right help.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with the comment that one benefit of having your Mom around is that she's (likely) going to prioritize taking care of you as much as the baby. My husband was home for several weeks after our first was born, and was a total equal partner in baby care, but it was surprisingly nice to have my Mom treat me specially, like by making the special chicken soup/cookies recommended for breastfeeding and make sure I was eating too. (The first week was rough due to C-section). I also ended up staying extra nights in the hospital (again due to C-section and complications), and it was nice to have my Mom (and then Dad) be able to stay with me for one night each, which allowed my husband to get a proper night's sleep. He certainly could have stayed, but it made all of our lives easier for him to reasonably rested by the time baby and I got home.

Sounds like your Mom is proactively helpful, which is certainly what you would want during this period. I had thought we would want more time with just husband, baby, and me, and we ended up asking my folks to stay longer. I think all of us, including my husband, thought it was one of the nicest and most special times we've spent together. (And I say that having also moved away from family on the West Coast, and generally feeling reasonably independent). So my takeaway was that we could have done it ourselves, but having more help made us more able to enjoy the time, and was a special bonding time with my parents.