Thoughts on someone being friends with their ex?

[Anonymous]

I am a 30 year old female dating a 32 year old male. VERY new relationship, only been dating a couple months. I can definitely see this being long term. I have met most of his friends a couple times and they all seem very nice.
He is friends with an ex girlfriend who I haven't met yet. They dated for a few years and ended things about 3-4 years ago. They remained friends and talk somewhat regularly. I don't know much about her and haven't asked anything since we're very new still. He acknowledged that its unusual to remain friends with an ex and acknowledged that some people may not be okay with this.
Historically speaking, (and I'm not just saying this), I've never been a jealous person nor have I ever had any issues with my past boyfriends having female friends.
The problem is.. I was in a relationship for a year that ended in February. For the entire year, I had suspicions and doubts about my ex's ex girlfriend / "friend". I never met her but I caught him in several lies regarding her. He kept saying she had mental issues and he was just there for her, etc etc. I saw texts, some of her FB posts etc and I never should have put up with all the lies. There were so many red flags that I ignored but because I had never been through anything like this, and because I was truly in love with him and optimistic, I always believed him. Things came crashing down when I received a message from her. We unpacked the entire year of lies and I was truly truly devastated. I cried for weeks and couldn't believe how stupid I was. I'm finally starting to move on and gain some rely respect back.

I am completely jumping the gun I realize, especially since we're so new and this friend/ex girlfriend has yet to even make an appearance... But I found myself getting anxious yesterday thinking of it. I feel crazy, trust me. I can't explain the feeling because it was so out of my comfort zone. I have no reason to worry but just hearing about a female "friend" who is an ex gf gave me some sort of minor PTSD - and I know that sounds dramatic.


Anyways.. I'm not sure what to do or how to reframe my thinking so I don't build this up in my head. Is it possible I'm just not ready to date?

[Anonymous]

OP here. * self respect. Not 'rely respect'
Also, in case it wasn't clear, when that girl and I spoke and unpacked the entire year... They had been sleeping together the entire time. She was his girlfriend, too. He was seeing us on the same day. He had even told me she lived in another state and she actually lived about a mile from me.

[Anonymous]

Your new guy is not your old guy. Repeat that to yourself three times each morning, and three times each evening. Then eat a cookie, because cookies always make things a little better. But a small one, because swimsuit season.

Not all men are the same. If they were, Trump wouldn't hate Obama, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your new guy is not your old guy. Repeat that to yourself three times each morning, and three times each evening. Then eat a cookie, because cookies always make things a little better. But a small one, because swimsuit season.

Not all men are the same. If they were, Trump wouldn't hate Obama, right?

OP here. Thank you for responding so quickly. I realize there will be lots of responses but I started crying a little when I wrote that and I needed a simple, nice response, even if it's just for a minute. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

My ex attended my wedding and I attended him. At the time DH and I got together, we had broken up about 2 years before after a 6 year on/off relationship. Became permanently off when he moved across the country (vs a big fight). We had been close friends for 3 years before getting together and even firing our off phases we went back to friendship mode. So from my experience, not every friends with an ex story is disastrous.

[Anonymous]

I will give you a little perspective.

I have been the ex that remained friends with the ex-boyfriend years after we have dated. Our relationship ended after he decided to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes I question why we remain friends. I honestly truly love him as he has good heart and we are extremely compatible, but I could never see myself marrying him because he cheated. So we will not be together. Whenever he starts a new relationship with someone or ends a relationship, he always tries to come back to me. He recently moved out after living with me for a year and recently started dating this new girl (or old girl -They dated before. He was also dating her when we began dating). The entire beginning of their dating.... he kept asking would I accept him back, and I repeatedy told him no. After declining his relationship requests, he would repeatedly ask me for sex because she had a supposed one year of abstaining rule. Well, the one year rule went out the window very quickly and now he is back here asking me for sex because he isnt satisfied in the bedroom with her and she refuses to give head until marriage. I will say I did sleep with him after one request, but I didn't know at that time they had officially begun a relationship and started sleeping together. Even still, he continued to ask for sex. He only just stopped because I told him 1. I am not some affair partner to be used because he isnt being satisfied and that is something that he needs to communiate with her. 2. I told him that his friendship means alot, and I would rather have a good friend over a fuck buddy. And true friends respect one another's relationships. He still wanted to sleep with me 3. I also told him if he wanted to start his relationship on a good foundation, to cut all the bullshit and lying because if the tables were turned and she was the one doing the crap, he would be upset. He finally got that.

The whole point of this long post is sometimes people can remain friends with an ex and sometimes they cannot. The guy I was am friends with obviously has ex issues, but that isnt everyone. Just trust your inner gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will give you a little perspective.

I have been the ex that remained friends with the ex-boyfriend years after we have dated. Our relationship ended after he decided to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes I question why we remain friends. I honestly truly love him as he has good heart and we are extremely compatible, but I could never see myself marrying him because he cheated. So we will not be together. Whenever he starts a new relationship with someone or ends a relationship, he always tries to come back to me. He recently moved out after living with me for a year and recently started dating this new girl (or old girl -They dated before. He was also dating her when we began dating). The entire beginning of their dating.... he kept asking would I accept him back, and I repeatedy told him no. After declining his relationship requests, he would repeatedly ask me for sex because she had a supposed one year of abstaining rule. Well, the one year rule went out the window very quickly and now he is back here asking me for sex because he isnt satisfied in the bedroom with her and she refuses to give head until marriage. I will say I did sleep with him after one request, but I didn't know at that time they had officially begun a relationship and started sleeping together. Even still, he continued to ask for sex. He only just stopped because I told him 1. I am not some affair partner to be used because he isnt being satisfied and that is something that he needs to communiate with her. 2. I told him that his friendship means alot, and I would rather have a good friend over a fuck buddy. And true friends respect one another's relationships. He still wanted to sleep with me 3. I also told him if he wanted to start his relationship on a good foundation, to cut all the bullshit and lying because if the tables were turned and she was the one doing the crap, he would be upset. He finally got that.

The whole point of this long post is sometimes people can remain friends with an ex and sometimes they cannot. The guy I was am friends with obviously has ex issues, but that isnt everyone. Just trust your inner gut.

I'm not sure I totally follow this, but it doesn't sound like you and your ex are friends at all. It sounds like he keeps using you and you give in to him when you feel like it and you both say that you are "exes who remained friends"

[Anonymous]

My college boyfriend and I stayed friends for years after we broke up. We really had a more "brother/sister" type relationship than a dating one, so we worked far better as friends in the end.

If they broke up years ago, it's likely they are in a similar place. If it makes you feel better, my friendship with him gradually faded after he met his now-wife. I understand with you're background why you'd feel threatened, but if it's bee that long, odds are their relationship is similar to mine with my ex - friends and nothing more. Hugs and good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you a little perspective.

I have been the ex that remained friends with the ex-boyfriend years after we have dated. Our relationship ended after he decided to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes I question why we remain friends. I honestly truly love him as he has good heart and we are extremely compatible, but I could never see myself marrying him because he cheated. So we will not be together. Whenever he starts a new relationship with someone or ends a relationship, he always tries to come back to me. He recently moved out after living with me for a year and recently started dating this new girl (or old girl -They dated before. He was also dating her when we began dating). The entire beginning of their dating.... he kept asking would I accept him back, and I repeatedy told him no. After declining his relationship requests, he would repeatedly ask me for sex because she had a supposed one year of abstaining rule. Well, the one year rule went out the window very quickly and now he is back here asking me for sex because he isnt satisfied in the bedroom with her and she refuses to give head until marriage. I will say I did sleep with him after one request, but I didn't know at that time they had officially begun a relationship and started sleeping together. Even still, he continued to ask for sex. He only just stopped because I told him 1. I am not some affair partner to be used because he isnt being satisfied and that is something that he needs to communiate with her. 2. I told him that his friendship means alot, and I would rather have a good friend over a fuck buddy. And true friends respect one another's relationships. He still wanted to sleep with me 3. I also told him if he wanted to start his relationship on a good foundation, to cut all the bullshit and lying because if the tables were turned and she was the one doing the crap, he would be upset. He finally got that.

The whole point of this long post is sometimes people can remain friends with an ex and sometimes they cannot. The guy I was am friends with obviously has ex issues, but that isnt everyone. Just trust your inner gut.

I'm not sure I totally follow this, but it doesn't sound like you and your ex are friends at all. It sounds like he keeps using you and you give in to him when you feel like it and you both say that you are "exes who remained friends"

I understand how you believe this, but I have always respected him and his girlfriend when he is in a relationship. I should have noted that when he lived with me.. we were strictly friends and there was absolutely no sexual relationship whatsoever! Like I said, I don't know why I remain friends with him and should end the friendship given the fact that he has a history of trying to rekindle things. I know for a fact that I will never get back with him, but I do appreciate the friendship.

I just wanted to give the OP perspective. The PPs above all gave examples of how it the situation might work. Every situation is entirely different and needs to be accessed as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you a little perspective.

I have been the ex that remained friends with the ex-boyfriend years after we have dated. Our relationship ended after he decided to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes I question why we remain friends. I honestly truly love him as he has good heart and we are extremely compatible, but I could never see myself marrying him because he cheated. So we will not be together. Whenever he starts a new relationship with someone or ends a relationship, he always tries to come back to me. He recently moved out after living with me for a year and recently started dating this new girl (or old girl -They dated before. He was also dating her when we began dating). The entire beginning of their dating.... he kept asking would I accept him back, and I repeatedy told him no. After declining his relationship requests, he would repeatedly ask me for sex because she had a supposed one year of abstaining rule. Well, the one year rule went out the window very quickly and now he is back here asking me for sex because he isnt satisfied in the bedroom with her and she refuses to give head until marriage. I will say I did sleep with him after one request, but I didn't know at that time they had officially begun a relationship and started sleeping together. Even still, he continued to ask for sex. He only just stopped because I told him 1. I am not some affair partner to be used because he isnt being satisfied and that is something that he needs to communiate with her. 2. I told him that his friendship means alot, and I would rather have a good friend over a fuck buddy. And true friends respect one another's relationships. He still wanted to sleep with me 3. I also told him if he wanted to start his relationship on a good foundation, to cut all the bullshit and lying because if the tables were turned and she was the one doing the crap, he would be upset. He finally got that.

The whole point of this long post is sometimes people can remain friends with an ex and sometimes they cannot. The guy I was am friends with obviously has ex issues, but that isnt everyone. Just trust your inner gut.

I'm not sure I totally follow this, but it doesn't sound like you and your ex are friends at all. It sounds like he keeps using you and you give in to him when you feel like it and you both say that you are "exes who remained friends"

I agree. You were/are being used and you may not be aware he is taking advantage of you. That's not a friend at all. Cut him off hunny he knows your weak spot. Not one single ex have audacity to ask me for sex. But then again when I break up with a guy I block all forms of contact and pretend their dead. A couple of exes have tried to reach out to me after years, I get so annoyed and just block them. You only get one chance with me and you screwed it up and that's it we are done for life. No second chances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you a little perspective.

I have been the ex that remained friends with the ex-boyfriend years after we have dated. Our relationship ended after he decided to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes I question why we remain friends. I honestly truly love him as he has good heart and we are extremely compatible, but I could never see myself marrying him because he cheated. So we will not be together. Whenever he starts a new relationship with someone or ends a relationship, he always tries to come back to me. He recently moved out after living with me for a year and recently started dating this new girl (or old girl -They dated before. He was also dating her when we began dating). The entire beginning of their dating.... he kept asking would I accept him back, and I repeatedy told him no. After declining his relationship requests, he would repeatedly ask me for sex because she had a supposed one year of abstaining rule. Well, the one year rule went out the window very quickly and now he is back here asking me for sex because he isnt satisfied in the bedroom with her and she refuses to give head until marriage. I will say I did sleep with him after one request, but I didn't know at that time they had officially begun a relationship and started sleeping together. Even still, he continued to ask for sex. He only just stopped because I told him 1. I am not some affair partner to be used because he isnt being satisfied and that is something that he needs to communiate with her. 2. I told him that his friendship means alot, and I would rather have a good friend over a fuck buddy. And true friends respect one another's relationships. He still wanted to sleep with me 3. I also told him if he wanted to start his relationship on a good foundation, to cut all the bullshit and lying because if the tables were turned and she was the one doing the crap, he would be upset. He finally got that.

The whole point of this long post is sometimes people can remain friends with an ex and sometimes they cannot. The guy I was am friends with obviously has ex issues, but that isnt everyone. Just trust your inner gut.

I'm not sure I totally follow this, but it doesn't sound like you and your ex are friends at all. It sounds like he keeps using you and you give in to him when you feel like it and you both say that you are "exes who remained friends"

I agree. You were/are being used and you may not be aware he is taking advantage of you. That's not a friend at all. Cut him off hunny he knows your weak spot. Not one single ex have audacity to ask me for sex. But then again when I break up with a guy I block all forms of contact and pretend their dead. A couple of exes have tried to reach out to me after years, I get so annoyed and just block them. You only get one chance with me and you screwed it up and that's it we are done for life. No second chances.

Sounds like the pp. gives good head!

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry about what happened to you, it was awful. In your new relationship just be willing to accept the truth, no matter what it is. Don't be suspicious of him but don't be blindly trusting either. If something seems off or doesn't make sense, talk to him, ask for clarity and explanations. If something doesn't sit right with you, trust your gut. If everything seems to add up don't be afraid to enjoy your new relationship.
Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you a little perspective.

I have been the ex that remained friends with the ex-boyfriend years after we have dated. Our relationship ended after he decided to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes I question why we remain friends. I honestly truly love him as he has good heart and we are extremely compatible, but I could never see myself marrying him because he cheated. So we will not be together. Whenever he starts a new relationship with someone or ends a relationship, he always tries to come back to me. He recently moved out after living with me for a year and recently started dating this new girl (or old girl -They dated before. He was also dating her when we began dating). The entire beginning of their dating.... he kept asking would I accept him back, and I repeatedy told him no. After declining his relationship requests, he would repeatedly ask me for sex because she had a supposed one year of abstaining rule. Well, the one year rule went out the window very quickly and now he is back here asking me for sex because he isnt satisfied in the bedroom with her and she refuses to give head until marriage. I will say I did sleep with him after one request, but I didn't know at that time they had officially begun a relationship and started sleeping together. Even still, he continued to ask for sex. He only just stopped because I told him 1. I am not some affair partner to be used because he isnt being satisfied and that is something that he needs to communiate with her. 2. I told him that his friendship means alot, and I would rather have a good friend over a fuck buddy. And true friends respect one another's relationships. He still wanted to sleep with me 3. I also told him if he wanted to start his relationship on a good foundation, to cut all the bullshit and lying because if the tables were turned and she was the one doing the crap, he would be upset. He finally got that.

The whole point of this long post is sometimes people can remain friends with an ex and sometimes they cannot. The guy I was am friends with obviously has ex issues, but that isnt everyone. Just trust your inner gut.

I'm not sure I totally follow this, but it doesn't sound like you and your ex are friends at all. It sounds like he keeps using you and you give in to him when you feel like it and you both say that you are "exes who remained friends"

I agree. You were/are being used and you may not be aware he is taking advantage of you. That's not a friend at all. Cut him off hunny he knows your weak spot. Not one single ex have audacity to ask me for sex. But then again when I break up with a guy I block all forms of contact and pretend their dead. A couple of exes have tried to reach out to me after years, I get so annoyed and just block them. You only get one chance with me and you screwed it up and that's it we are done for life. No second chances.

I agree with you, there is no excuse but we are both in the mid twenties. So I admit I am naive and he wants to be free. And I apologize that my post seemed to derail the thread.

[Anonymous]

It really does depend on the situation. My fiancé keeps in touch with one ex that is friendly to me and pretty open and not sneaky. She never texts or posts anything I would find to be inappropriate or too close. He has a second ex, who would continue to send him selfie photos of herself making duck faces, all the time, even though she's engaged to someone else now. And she's cheated on everyone she's dated and it always would start out as "So-and-so is my BEST friend!!" I have no issues with him talking to the first ex. The second one, no way. She's a snake and an attention seeker.

[Anonymous]

I have an ex who is one of my two best friends. I know most people find it weird, but I treasure our friendship. We broke up for good reasons, but there was nothing dramatic--no cheating or lying.

I realize that one or both of us may find partners who are not okay with our friendship. We would both bow out of our friendship if that were the case (and it was someone who seemed to have potential as a life partner). So far, no one we've dated has worried about it.

I think it helps that we are both honest to a fault and have integrity. It really comes down to trust. You either trust that I'll be true to you or you don't.

It doesn't have to be an ex to make you cheat.