Thoughts on someone being friends with their ex?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry to resurrect this from a month ago.
He has been truly great the past couple months and we are doing amazing. We had a talk and we both agreed we want to be exclusive and are both very happy! We talk a lot and see each other a lot. We're spending all weekend together (which we pretty much have since we started dating). He includes me in every little thing he does, he compliments me, is emotionally open with me, is affectionate and loving. Everything I want.
I am finding, though, that I'm driving myself crazy in my head for no reason. Absolutely no reason. Like when he's texting I wonder who he's texting. When we're not together I finding myself wanting to wonder exactly what he's doing and when. I wonder how often he actually talks to this ex/ friend.
He has done nothing to arouse suspicion. He hasn't acted shady, hasn't disappeared via text, is super open (without my asking) about what he's doing.. Etc etc.

I understand I sound 'crazy' or jealous. I understand that this is leftover anxiety that I have. I haven't acted out on these feelings yet because I know this is all me and nothing that he's doing. I'm nervous because I know myself, and I know the only way to alleviate this anxiety is to talk to him and get reassurance... But again this is all me, not him, and most guys, actually women too, don't want to put up with someone needing repeated reassurance. It's needy, annoying, and can ruin the way they see you.

I think my initial assessment that I wasn't ready to date is maybe true. I know the right thing to do is to step back and maybe go to therapy or simply give myself more space to grow and learn to love/trust again. I just like him so much, he is an actual NICE person and I don't want to give that up.

[Anonymous]

I'd be leery of anyone who is to close to their ex, reason being I am very close to my ex and the truth of the matter is we DO still sleep together from time to time. No set schedule, just when the spirit moves us. We talk every day, sometimes several times a day, hang out etc. Prior to our split we had been together for going on 20 years and we have 4 kids together. Lots of history there, which is a hard bond to break. No chance of us getting back together, but there is just a level of unexplainable comfort that we feel with each other. I would back off if he got serious with someone else, but the woman would most likely be threatened by the bond (as women in the past have been). Trust your instincts though and don't be fast to write them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you a little perspective.

I have been the ex that remained friends with the ex-boyfriend years after we have dated. Our relationship ended after he decided to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes I question why we remain friends. I honestly truly love him as he has good heart and we are extremely compatible, but I could never see myself marrying him because he cheated. So we will not be together. Whenever he starts a new relationship with someone or ends a relationship, he always tries to come back to me. He recently moved out after living with me for a year and recently started dating this new girl (or old girl -They dated before. He was also dating her when we began dating). The entire beginning of their dating.... he kept asking would I accept him back, and I repeatedy told him no. After declining his relationship requests, he would repeatedly ask me for sex because she had a supposed one year of abstaining rule. Well, the one year rule went out the window very quickly and now he is back here asking me for sex because he isnt satisfied in the bedroom with her and she refuses to give head until marriage. I will say I did sleep with him after one request, but I didn't know at that time they had officially begun a relationship and started sleeping together. Even still, he continued to ask for sex. He only just stopped because I told him 1. I am not some affair partner to be used because he isnt being satisfied and that is something that he needs to communiate with her. 2. I told him that his friendship means alot, and I would rather have a good friend over a fuck buddy. And true friends respect one another's relationships. He still wanted to sleep with me 3. I also told him if he wanted to start his relationship on a good foundation, to cut all the bullshit and lying because if the tables were turned and she was the one doing the crap, he would be upset. He finally got that.

The whole point of this long post is sometimes people can remain friends with an ex and sometimes they cannot. The guy I was am friends with obviously has ex issues, but that isnt everyone. Just trust your inner gut.

I'm not sure I totally follow this, but it doesn't sound like you and your ex are friends at all. It sounds like he keeps using you and you give in to him when you feel like it and you both say that you are "exes who remained friends"

I understand how you believe this, but I have always respected him and his girlfriend when he is in a relationship. I should have noted that when he lived with me.. we were strictly friends and there was absolutely no sexual relationship whatsoever! Like I said, I don't know why I remain friends with him and should end the friendship given the fact that he has a history of trying to rekindle things. I know for a fact that I will never get back with him, but I do appreciate the friendship.

I just wanted to give the OP perspective. The PPs above all gave examples of how it the situation might work. Every situation is entirely different and needs to be accessed as such.

NP here. It sounds like you still have feelings for your ex. What you have with him isn't friendship. I think it's still having contact with him that you appreciate, because it isn't friendships. There aren't appropriate boundaries. Perhaps you like that he still wants you. You won't go back to him, but you still want to have him.