Thoughts on someone being friends with their ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an ex who is one of my two best friends. I know most people find it weird, but I treasure our friendship. We broke up for good reasons, but there was nothing dramatic--no cheating or lying.

I realize that one or both of us may find partners who are not okay with our friendship. We would both bow out of our friendship if that were the case (and it was someone who seemed to have potential as a life partner). So far, no one we've dated has worried about it.

I think it helps that we are both honest to a fault and have integrity. It really comes down to trust. You either trust that I'll be true to you or you don't.

It doesn't have to be an ex to make you cheat.

I really enjoy that you included that last line.

[Anonymous]

I can easily be friends with an ex and would never cross the line. Maturity and communication are key.

[Anonymous]

I was friends with only one ex, ever, and it was because I wasn't over him. We aren't friend anymore because I finally accepted that we weren't going to get back together again, and it was one of the most painful relationships of my life (the "friendship"). I would not want DH to be friends with an ex.

[Anonymous]

Your ex is probably a sociopath, or at the very best a toxic person. It's understandable that you would be having a hard time trusting others, as well as your own gut and reacting to certain triggers.

Looking back at your prior relationship, were there any red flags you overlooked? Any other signs that your ex lacked integrity? Or were you completely blindsided?

It would probably benefit you to find a good counselor to help you unpack your prior relationship and learn to listen to and trust your gut again. You need to understand why you were drawn to such a man. It's only a few months after that break up so of course you're still raw.

I do think it's possible to be friends with an ex - especially one so far in the past. It really depends on the person and situation. I would just keep taking it one day at a time in your relationship - you're still getting to know one another.
And explore your feelings with a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can easily be friends with an ex and would never cross the line. Maturity and communication are key.

Exactly. I recently went out of town with an ex for my birthday. He had to work a lot and I just hung out at really nice digs. He and I had great baseline as best buds before we were in a relationship. The relationship ended mostly because his schedule is nuts due to his occupation and he likes women a little to much for my taste. Don't think there was any cheating while with me but felt like it was inevitable. We are still good friends and are in contact a fair amount. Gotta put your big girl draws on if you are going to be friends with your ex. Be a grown up and open you mouth and say what is going on or if something is bothering you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can easily be friends with an ex and would never cross the line. Maturity and communication are key.

Exactly. I recently went out of town with an ex for my birthday. He had to work a lot and I just hung out at really nice digs. He and I had great baseline as best buds before we were in a relationship. The relationship ended mostly because his schedule is nuts due to his occupation and he likes women a little to much for my taste. Don't think there was any cheating while with me but felt like it was inevitable. We are still good friends and are in contact a fair amount. Gotta put your big girl draws on if you are going to be friends with your ex. Be a grown up and open you mouth and say what is going on or if something is bothering you.

I imagine that if you had a boyfriend you would not be spending time with your ex in this manner - going out of town with him, etc.

I'm friends with an ex - we don't live in the same state but email each other on birthdays, holidays, etc. My DH is fine with it because my ex and I had broken up and we're friends for several years before we met. So friendships are possible, but obviously there need to be boundaries.

[Anonymous]

^were friends, not we're

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can easily be friends with an ex and would never cross the line. Maturity and communication are key.

Exactly. I recently went out of town with an ex for my birthday. He had to work a lot and I just hung out at really nice digs. He and I had great baseline as best buds before we were in a relationship. The relationship ended mostly because his schedule is nuts due to his occupation and he likes women a little to much for my taste. Don't think there was any cheating while with me but felt like it was inevitable. We are still good friends and are in contact a fair amount. Gotta put your big girl draws on if you are going to be friends with your ex. Be a grown up and open you mouth and say what is going on or if something is bothering you.

I imagine that if you had a boyfriend you would not be spending time with your ex in this manner - going out of town with him, etc.

I'm friends with an ex - we don't live in the same state but email each other on birthdays, holidays, etc. My DH is fine with it because my ex and I had broken up and we're friends for several years before we met. So friendships are possible, but obviously there need to be boundaries.

You are right, neither of us is seeing anyone at this time. When we are the other always respects that and doesn't try to interfere. We are both big clowns and like to laugh and act goofy and enjoy each others company so it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex is probably a sociopath, or at the very best a toxic person. It's understandable that you would be having a hard time trusting others, as well as your own gut and reacting to certain triggers.

Looking back at your prior relationship, were there any red flags you overlooked? Any other signs that your ex lacked integrity? Or were you completely blindsided?

It would probably benefit you to find a good counselor to help you unpack your prior relationship and learn to listen to and trust your gut again. You need to understand why you were drawn to such a man. It's only a few months after that break up so of course you're still raw.

I do think it's possible to be friends with an ex - especially one so far in the past. It really depends on the person and situation. I would just keep taking it one day at a time in your relationship - you're still getting to know one another.
And explore your feelings with a good therapist.

OP here. Thank you for this. To answer your question.. Yes, there were many red flags. Many signs. And yes I ignored them. Well, not so much ignored. I'd feel suspicious or like something wasn't right, bring it up to him, and get immediately shut down. The thoughts would fester and I'd become anxious and worried.... Until something ELSE happened, and then my already anxious self would become more anxious. He would lie and lie and lie. I'd catch him in a lie, he'd admit it, but have some crazy explanation or some romantic reasoning and I'd even that forgive him. I'm so dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 30 year old female dating a 32 year old male. VERY new relationship, only been dating a couple months. I can definitely see this being long term. I have met most of his friends a couple times and they all seem very nice.
He is friends with an ex girlfriend who I haven't met yet. They dated for a few years and ended things about 3-4 years ago. They remained friends and talk somewhat regularly. I don't know much about her and haven't asked anything since we're very new still. He acknowledged that its unusual to remain friends with an ex and acknowledged that some people may not be okay with this.
Historically speaking, (and I'm not just saying this), I've never been a jealous person nor have I ever had any issues with my past boyfriends having female friends.
The problem is.. I was in a relationship for a year that ended in February. For the entire year, I had suspicions and doubts about my ex's ex girlfriend / "friend". I never met her but I caught him in several lies regarding her. He kept saying she had mental issues and he was just there for her, etc etc. I saw texts, some of her FB posts etc and I never should have put up with all the lies. There were so many red flags that I ignored but because I had never been through anything like this, and because I was truly in love with him and optimistic, I always believed him. Things came crashing down when I received a message from her. We unpacked the entire year of lies and I was truly truly devastated. I cried for weeks and couldn't believe how stupid I was. I'm finally starting to move on and gain some rely respect back.

I am completely jumping the gun I realize, especially since we're so new and this friend/ex girlfriend has yet to even make an appearance... But I found myself getting anxious yesterday thinking of it. I feel crazy, trust me. I can't explain the feeling because it was so out of my comfort zone. I have no reason to worry but just hearing about a female "friend" who is an ex gf gave me some sort of minor PTSD - and I know that sounds dramatic.


Anyways.. I'm not sure what to do or how to reframe my thinking so I don't build this up in my head. Is it possible I'm just not ready to date?

I wouldn't stay in a relationship if the guy had exes in his life. People wonder why their new relationships don't work out, and this is a big one. If I can successfully move on and embrace a new future I expect my partner to do the same. I have no interest as a couple meeting up with his exes. As a couple you meet couple friends together. If you get married often the friend dynamic changes.

At this point the relationship is new so I would see where it goes and not say anything. Sit back and watch though to see the dynamics with this ex.

[Anonymous]

I am friends with three exes - one of them is my ex-husband with whom I have a 7-year-old child, one is a short-term fling from 15 years ago, and the other was a 18-month relationship that ended right before I met my ex-husband when boyfriend moved out of state.

My ex, I am "friends" with because I have to be. Truthfully, if not for DD, we probably would not ever interact.

My fling from when I was 18 is actually a good person and a close friend. He is also friends with my second husband. We had sex two or three times 15 years ago, and chose not to turn that experience into a relationship despite liking each other as people..

The other one is more complicated. We don't see each other often. Our breakup was not because we stopped caring about each other but because our lives were going in different directions. When my first marriage was falling apart, I found myself wishing that our lives had not gone in different directions or that we would have tried harder to make it work. Ultimately, we did not try to get back together because life has moved on. His wife is someone I knew socially back then, and she's a good woman. They seem happy, and I'm happy for them, but I would be lying if I said that there were not times in the last 10 years when I regretted our break up. That makes it hard to be "just friends" and so we keep our distance.

It sounds like your new squeeze is a decent sort. It doesn't sound like his relationship with this woman is inappropriate. I think in this situation, since he's acknowledged that some people will feel weird about it, you get to ask him - one time - about the context for their break up and their current friendship. If the answer passes the smell test, I would tell him that you'd feel more comfortable if you met her, like his other friends, but leave it at that. Try not to equate all men with your sociopathological ex. The vast majority of them are delightful and not evil.

[Anonymous]

There are only a handful of posts so far -- and the level of crazy has already hit 10! Yes, ex's can be friends. Yes, he can/should resent you if you demand he cut off all contact. Yes, you need to chill and stop over thinking this...

[Anonymous]

My ex, after a long term one sided marriage, wanted to remain friends. My response was simple, I don't stay in a friendship with someone who treated me as they did unless they apologized and changed. No apology came and no friendship exists. Contact is nominal and cordial when it occurs but that's it.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the situation. I'm still very good friends with my ex-husband, and so is my current husband. Me and ex never had kids together, but we have kids with our current partners, and our kids have playdates together and we hang out. No weirdness, nothing remotely sexual, we are just friends. My husband hangs out with him sans me quite often, and I am good friends with ex's current wife.

[Anonymous]

Considering what you experienced w/your ex-boyfriend, it is totally normal for you to feel the way you do.
Who wouldn't??

If and when things progress to an exclusive relationship, then have a talk w/this guy & let him know what happened to you w/your ex.
Address your fears + do not let him convince you that these fears are irrational because they are not.

Perhaps he can introduce you to her and include her in some social situations where you will have the opportunity to get to know her better.

Feel the vibe they have and see if their dynamic together really does seem strictly platonic only.

Good luck.