Mother contacting my friends, boss, ex, etc - grounds for estrangement?

[Anonymous]

When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

[Anonymous]

You don't need our permission-- but is this her only transgression? There's a lot of history you two share. Are you sure you want to break apart over this?

If you do decide to cut her out of your life don't announce it. Just walk away. The point of this isn't to punish her -- the point of this is to simply no longer be part of a toxic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need our permission-- but is this her only transgression? There's a lot of history you two share. Are you sure you want to break apart over this?

If you do decide to cut her out of your life don't announce it. Just walk away. The point of this isn't to punish her -- the point of this is to simply no longer be part of a toxic relationship.

The OP said that "her behavior doesn't end there, it's just one of many." I would be livid if my mom did this. Calling your ex? Your boss? Way, way, way, way over the line. You shouldn't have every had to ask her not to do something like that, and the fact that she thinks you're controlling because you don't want her to call your boss and talk smack about you is insane.

I agree that you shouldn't make a big announcement. Just drift away.

[Anonymous]

calling someone's boss at work is so far over the line, I do not even know how to describe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

I've worked at the same place, for the same person for 15 years. They've met at events over the years such as my wedding, children's events, etc. It's a small business and my employer's kids and ours are close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

[b]I've worked at the same place, for the same person for 15 years. They've met at events over the years such as my wedding, children's events, etc. It's a small business and my employer's kids and ours are close.

[/b

That still doesn't make her contacting your boss okay.

[Anonymous]

Well you have a logistical issue that it sounds like if you do cut her out (I think PP above re: walking away offers a great insight), she already has these people's contact information AND has proven that she will call and involve them in your mom-daughter saga.

So I think your next step needs to be to develop a plan to deal with that. I don't think your fear of that potential situation should stop you from moving on from your mom if you're ready, but did want to raise the issue for you to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

Not PP, but I am a lawyer. My mom knows which firm I work at and who my partner is and who the managing partner is and who the senior partners are and who my secretary is. She hasn't called my bosses to talk smack about me, but she has gone out of her way to meet them and ingratiate herself with them. They all think she is lovely. She is pretty awful to me, but my entire firm thinks she is a saint.

[Anonymous]

This is why I went no-contact with my abusive mother at age 25---she had no concept of normal boundaries or how to respect them. It's grounds for an Order of Protection, at least in VA.

[Anonymous]

Don't just walk away. Send her a no-contact letter that very carefully explains the contact that she can or can't have with you. Ie. "You can call me on my land line at home if you need to contact me for some reason. You may not call my cell phone or come to my house. You may not call me at work. You may not call my friends, other family members, co-workers or boss. I will not respond to communications through those channels."

It should also explain if and when you plan on contacting her again. Ie. "If you respect my boundaries, I will contact you again in the first week of December, or when X happens."

Most people also include a simple statement of why no-contact is necessary. Make that as unemotional as possible. "I feel X. I need Y."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

Not PP, but I am a lawyer. My mom knows which firm I work at and who my partner is and who the managing partner is and who the senior partners are and who my secretary is. She hasn't called my bosses to talk smack about me, but she has gone out of her way to meet them and ingratiate herself with them. They all think she is lovely. She is pretty awful to me, but my entire firm thinks she is a saint.

If she is so lovely to others (unless your colleagues are being over-polite and don't really mean when they say she is), there must be some positive side to her. She seems to have some issue with you or in general. Perhaps she is scared of getting old, or whatever, who knows.. While you have all rights to be upset, consider ways of helping her, maybe talk to her about your feelings and that you are trying to understand, and that if you cannot understand this, it will ruin your relationships as it becomes burden for you.. I think talking this out might help, don't yell, just talk.. easier said than done but I do think it works oftentimes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't just walk away. Send her a no-contact letter that very carefully explains the contact that she can or can't have with you. Ie. "You can call me on my land line at home if you need to contact me for some reason. You may not call my cell phone or come to my house. You may not call me at work. You may not call my friends, other family members, co-workers or boss. I will not respond to communications through those channels."

It should also explain if and when you plan on contacting her again. Ie. "If you respect my boundaries, I will contact you again in the first week of December, or when X happens."

Most people also include a simple statement of why no-contact is necessary. Make that as unemotional as possible. "I feel X. I need Y."

I have tried to create boundaries and tell her I will not tolerate her contacting these people and I will no longer speak to her if she continues. She said I was controlling and she has continued. One of my childhood friends said she called her three times yesterday and left voicemails about how she "knows how I am" and wants to talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

Not PP, but I am a lawyer. My mom knows which firm I work at and who my partner is and who the managing partner is and who the senior partners are and who my secretary is. She hasn't called my bosses to talk smack about me, but she has gone out of her way to meet them and ingratiate herself with them. They all think she is lovely. She is pretty awful to me, but my entire firm thinks she is a saint.

If she is so lovely to others (unless your colleagues are being over-polite and don't really mean when they say she is), there must be some positive side to her. She seems to have some issue with you or in general. Perhaps she is scared of getting old, or whatever, who knows.. While you have all rights to be upset, consider ways of helping her, maybe talk to her about your feelings and that you are trying to understand, and that if you cannot understand this, it will ruin your relationships as it becomes burden for you.. I think talking this out might help, don't yell, just talk.. easier said than done but I do think it works oftentimes

Sorry pp, but this is complete bs and demeaning to the lawyer poster. Just because someone can be lovely at times, doesn't mean they're not a personality disordered abusive mother.

[Anonymous]

My mom doesn't even know the name of my law firm. She knows my bosses first name but that's it. She doesn't know any friends last names. You're giving your mother too much detailed information.