Mother contacting my friends, boss, ex, etc - grounds for estrangement?

[Anonymous]

If you cut her out, the calling will only escalate. She can't reach you, but she can reach your friends. Have everyone block her from their phones and Facebook. If she wants to talk she has to talk to you.

She's definitely over the top but this is still manageable boundaries. It's very simple to block a caller.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry op. Clearly your mother has significant issues. Cutting her off would not be unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

wow. that is a major lack of boundaries. If you've told her that this is completely inappropriate and she still does it, I would stop all contact with her.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask your boss not to take her calls?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:calling someone's boss at work is so far over the line, I do not even know how to describe it.

Plus a million - unless there was a major emergency and there was no other way to reach you, calling your boss is incredibly inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

That's insane. I'd get a restraining order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

Not PP, but I am a lawyer. My mom knows which firm I work at and who my partner is and who the managing partner is and who the senior partners are and who my secretary is. She hasn't called my bosses to talk smack about me, but she has gone out of her way to meet them and ingratiate herself with them. They all think she is lovely. She is pretty awful to me, but my entire firm thinks she is a saint.

If she is so lovely to others (unless your colleagues are being over-polite and don't really mean when they say she is), there must be some positive side to her. She seems to have some issue with you or in general. Perhaps she is scared of getting old, or whatever, who knows.. While you have all rights to be upset, consider ways of helping her, maybe talk to her about your feelings and that you are trying to understand, and that if you cannot understand this, it will ruin your relationships as it becomes burden for you.. I think talking this out might help, don't yell, just talk.. easier said than done but I do think it works oftentimes

NP here. The PP's description of her mother corresponds to mine. Yes, she can be gracious and charming, but only to people she rarely meets, because she can't keep it up for long. To her closest family members and (one) friend, she becomes abusive because she requires a level of attention we cannot give her.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she has a personality disorder. OP, do you have siblings? How is she with them?

[Anonymous]

Have your IT person at work block her number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

I'd say we're siblings but my only brother doesn't have a boss or friends thanks to our crazy-ass mother's decades of codependency.

Hell's to the yeah, break with her at least until shes under control.

Minimally warn everyone not to accept her calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

Not PP, but I am a lawyer. My mom knows which firm I work at and who my partner is and who the managing partner is and who the senior partners are and who my secretary is. She hasn't called my bosses to talk smack about me, but she has gone out of her way to meet them and ingratiate herself with them. They all think she is lovely. She is pretty awful to me, but my entire firm thinks she is a saint.

If she is so lovely to others (unless your colleagues are being over-polite and don't really mean when they say she is), there must be some positive side to her. She seems to have some issue with you or in general. Perhaps she is scared of getting old, or whatever, who knows.. While you have all rights to be upset, consider ways of helping her, maybe talk to her about your feelings and that you are trying to understand, and that if you cannot understand this, it will ruin your relationships as it becomes burden for you.. I think talking this out might help, don't yell, just talk.. easier said than done but I do think it works oftentimes

Sorry pp, but this is complete bs and demeaning to the lawyer poster. Just because someone can be lovely at times, doesn't mean they're not a personality disordered abusive mother.

+1000

Don't discount someone else's feelings and lived experience with her own mother whom she explicitly stated was awful to her. That's her lived experience and deserves deference and compassion, not contradiction.

Also, perhaps you're fortunate enough not to know a manipulator who is unkind to those in her care but presents as charming to near strangers. That's good for you but as someone who was raised by a superficially-charming abuser let me tell you- it's part of their strategy to make their family members feel like crap. "Everyone else loves me; you're the problem" is their motto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother gets upset with me over some perceived slight (last time it was because I didn't mail her pictures fast enough) she will start calling my childhood friends, my ex, even my boss - to talk to them about our "fight", things she doesn't like about me, etc. I am not okay with this. I've asked her to stop and she says I'm controlling and she can call whomever she pleases. I'm almost 40yrs old. I'm over this. Of course, her behaviour doesn't end there, it's just one of many. Tell me it's okay to cut her out.

How does she have your boss' #? My mom and I are close, but she doesn't even know my boss' or my co-workers' names. I also don't give family my work # since they can reach me on my mobile phone while at work.

Not PP, but I am a lawyer. My mom knows which firm I work at and who my partner is and who the managing partner is and who the senior partners are and who my secretary is. She hasn't called my bosses to talk smack about me, but she has gone out of her way to meet them and ingratiate herself with them. They all think she is lovely. She is pretty awful to me, but my entire firm thinks she is a saint.

If she is so lovely to others (unless your colleagues are being over-polite and don't really mean when they say she is), there must be some positive side to her. She seems to have some issue with you or in general. Perhaps she is scared of getting old, or whatever, who knows.. While you have all rights to be upset, consider ways of helping her, maybe talk to her about your feelings and that you are trying to understand, and that if you cannot understand this, it will ruin your relationships as it becomes burden for you.. I think talking this out might help, don't yell, just talk.. easier said than done but I do think it works oftentimes

Sorry pp, but this is complete bs and demeaning to the lawyer poster. Just because someone can be lovely at times, doesn't mean they're not a personality disordered abusive mother.

+1000

Don't discount someone else's feelings and lived experience with her own mother whom she explicitly stated was awful to her. That's her lived experience and deserves deference and compassion, not contradiction.

Also, perhaps you're fortunate enough not to know a manipulator who is unkind to those in her care but presents as charming to near strangers. That's good for you but as someone who was raised by a superficially-charming abuser let me tell you- it's part of their strategy to make their family members feel like crap. "Everyone else loves me; you're the problem" is their motto.

YES! For me, this is part of my borderline mother's M.O. Get people to like her, then dump on them about how bad I am. Her crazy always shows eventually, but she can temporarily be quite charming and warm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you ask your boss not to take her calls?

Yes, and he no longer takes them, however she still calls and leaves messages. The level of drama with her is so embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

I also have some manipulative family members who are extraordinarily charming, when you first meet them.

Calling my boss about a fight - yup, that would be grounds for estrangement. I can't even imagine.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ask your boss not to take her calls?

Yes, and he no longer takes them, however she still calls and leaves messages. The level of drama with her is so embarrassing.

He can block her number fairly easily, especially if he has a cell phone.