How would you advise your friend in this situation?

[Anonymous]

She slept with ex husband.
They have been divorced nearly a year. She initiated the divorce, but it was a relatively amicable split. No kids. They keep in touch very loosely via FB. His mum passed away, she went to the funeral. They ended up in bed together.
She calls me today distressed and needing to process- in short she feels their hookup was more than just stress relief comfort sex , but more intimate than that bordering on "love making".
She's now worried she may have accidentally stirred feelings and given him the false hope of rekindling their relationship.
She's scared to tell him she doesn't want anything beside the ONS because she doesn't want to " hurt him when he's so vulnerable."
She's also refuse to respond to his text asking if she's okay, because she slipped out before he woke up. Apparently the has made plans for breakfast. I told her she at least needs to tell him that she;s fine.
I've got my own crap to deal with right now in my own marriage and don't really want to involve myself in this, but trying to a good friend.
So what would you tell her to do, other than to grow up.

[Anonymous]

She needs to tell him she cares for him but it was a mistake and they're not getting back together. Done.

[Anonymous]

She needs to respond to his text (wtf, she's really going to ignore it?) and leave it right there. If he makes overtures she just needs to tell him it was a one time thing. It seems like she's being a bit dramatic about this whole thing, don't make yourself available for a play-by-play of this after your initial advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to respond to his text (wtf, she's really going to ignore it?) and leave it right there. If he makes overtures she just needs to tell him it was a one time thing. It seems like she's being a bit dramatic about this whole thing, don't make yourself available for a play-by-play of this after your initial advice.

She is very dramatic. Has been our entire relationship.
I've tried to be patient with her this last year because of the divorce, and she feeling everyone was judging her and leaving her out of things for being single.
I told her she can't ignore his text.
I've also told her he probably isn't thinking too much about it but she's convinced he is because he still loves her and didn't want to get divorced.
I told her if she was so worried about his feelings she shouldn't have slept with him. Because of that I'm judging and not being understanding of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to respond to his text (wtf, she's really going to ignore it?) and leave it right there. If he makes overtures she just needs to tell him it was a one time thing. It seems like she's being a bit dramatic about this whole thing, don't make yourself available for a play-by-play of this after your initial advice.

She is very dramatic. Has been our entire relationship.
I've tried to be patient with her this last year because of the divorce, and she feeling everyone was judging her and leaving her out of things for being single.
I told her she can't ignore his text.
I've also told her he probably isn't thinking too much about it but she's convinced he is because he still loves her and didn't want to get divorced.
I told her if she was so worried about his feelings she shouldn't have slept with him. Because of that I'm judging and not being understanding of her.

I agree, it's doubtful he's pining after her the way she imagines he is. That's why she shouldn't even worry about how to let him down easy... He hasn't even asked for anything yet!

[Anonymous]

I think she sounds very self-centered and like maybe she needs to explore her own feelings. She didn't just "end up" in bed with an ex; she knew exactly what door she was opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to respond to his text (wtf, she's really going to ignore it?) and leave it right there. If he makes overtures she just needs to tell him it was a one time thing. It seems like she's being a bit dramatic about this whole thing, don't make yourself available for a play-by-play of this after your initial advice.

She is very dramatic. Has been our entire relationship.
I've tried to be patient with her this last year because of the divorce, and she feeling everyone was judging her and leaving her out of things for being single.
I told her she can't ignore his text.
I've also told her he probably isn't thinking too much about it but she's convinced he is because he still loves her and didn't want to get divorced.
I told her if she was so worried about his feelings she shouldn't have slept with him. Because of that I'm judging and not being understanding of her.

I agree, it's doubtful he's pining after her the way she imagines he is. That's why she shouldn't even worry about how to let him down easy... He hasn't even asked for anything yet!

I told her that, that he probably hasn't given it a second thought, he just needed to relieve some stress.

But she says when she finally text him back he thanked her for coming to his mum's funeral and that it meant a lot to him that she would come even though they were divorce, and that his mum thought she was lovely.

To her that means he is pining.
I said you know him better, but it seems he's just being polite. He's not saying we should get back together, and if he does just tell him you're happy to support him as a friend, but anything beyond that would not be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she sounds very self-centered and like maybe she needs to explore her own feelings. She didn't just "end up" in bed with an ex; she knew exactly what door she was opening. [/quote

Truthfully, I think she likes the idea of him pining after her. When they were together she would always joke and be smug about him loving her more than she loved him.. I also know she has checked his FB over the last year to see if he was seeing anyone.
But she swears up and down she doesn't have feelings for him that way and that's why she divorced him.
As for how they ended up in bed, she says he asked her to stay because he didn't want to be alone, and they had some beer and were talking and cuddling like old friends , and he started to cry and she kissed him, and one thing led to another.

Whatever. They're grown people.

I've told her I don't have the energy to process with her right now, because I've got other stuff going on, and that there doesn't seem to be much to process other than she needing to be honest about her feelings/motives.

She didn't like that.

Whatever! I'm done with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to respond to his text (wtf, she's really going to ignore it?) and leave it right there. If he makes overtures she just needs to tell him it was a one time thing. It seems like she's being a bit dramatic about this whole thing, don't make yourself available for a play-by-play of this after your initial advice.

She is very dramatic. Has been our entire relationship.
I've tried to be patient with her this last year because of the divorce, and she feeling everyone was judging her and leaving her out of things for being single.
I told her she can't ignore his text.
I've also told her he probably isn't thinking too much about it but she's convinced he is because he still loves her and didn't want to get divorced.
I told her if she was so worried about his feelings she shouldn't have slept with him. Because of that I'm judging and not being understanding of her.

I agree, it's doubtful he's pining after her the way she imagines he is. That's why she shouldn't even worry about how to let him down easy... He hasn't even asked for anything yet!

I told her that, that he probably hasn't given it a second thought, he just needed to relieve some stress.

But she says when she finally text him back he thanked her for coming to his mum's funeral and that it meant a lot to him that she would come even though they were divorce, and that his mum thought she was lovely.

To her that means he is pining.
I said you know him better, but it seems he's just being polite. He's not saying we should get back together, and if he does just tell him you're happy to support him as a friend, but anything beyond that would not be a good idea.

Posting reply again because of format.
Truthfully, I think she likes the idea of him pining after her. When they were together she would always joke and be smug about him loving her more than she loved him.. I also know she has checked his FB over the last year to see if he was seeing anyone.
But she swears up and down she doesn't have feelings for him that way and that's why she divorced him.
As for how they ended up in bed, she says he asked her to stay because he didn't want to be alone, and they had some beer and were talking and cuddling like old friends , and he started to cry and she kissed him, and one thing led to another.
But that's not my concern.

I've told her I don't have the energy to process with her right now, because I've got other stuff going on, and that there doesn't seem to be much to process other than she needing to be honest about her feelings/motives.

She didn't like that.

Whatever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to respond to his text (wtf, she's really going to ignore it?) and leave it right there. If he makes overtures she just needs to tell him it was a one time thing. It seems like she's being a bit dramatic about this whole thing, don't make yourself available for a play-by-play of this after your initial advice.

She is very dramatic. Has been our entire relationship.
I've tried to be patient with her this last year because of the divorce, and she feeling everyone was judging her and leaving her out of things for being single.
I told her she can't ignore his text.
I've also told her he probably isn't thinking too much about it but she's convinced he is because he still loves her and didn't want to get divorced.
I told her if she was so worried about his feelings she shouldn't have slept with him. Because of that I'm judging and not being understanding of her.

I agree, it's doubtful he's pining after her the way she imagines he is. That's why she shouldn't even worry about how to let him down easy... He hasn't even asked for anything yet!

I told her that, that he probably hasn't given it a second thought, he just needed to relieve some stress.

But she says when she finally text him back he thanked her for coming to his mum's funeral and that it meant a lot to him that she would come even though they were divorce, and that his mum thought she was lovely.

To her that means he is pining.
I said you know him better, but it seems he's just being polite. He's not saying we should get back together, and if he does just tell him you're happy to support him as a friend, but anything beyond that would not be a good idea.

Posting reply again because of format.
Truthfully, I think she likes the idea of him pining after her. When they were together she would always joke and be smug about him loving her more than she loved him.. I also know she has checked his FB over the last year to see if he was seeing anyone.
But she swears up and down she doesn't have feelings for him that way and that's why she divorced him.
As for how they ended up in bed, she says he asked her to stay because he didn't want to be alone, and they had some beer and were talking and cuddling like old friends , and he started to cry and she kissed him, and one thing led to another.
But that's not my concern.

I've told her I don't have the energy to process with her right now, because I've got other stuff going on, and that there doesn't seem to be much to process other than she needing to be honest about her feelings/motives.

She didn't like that.

Whatever!

She sounds annoying and I agree with you that he was just being polite. You were right to tell her what you did and to shut this conversation down after that.

[Anonymous]

So he's grieving his mother's death and she makes it all about her? She sounds like a self-centered idiot. She should just leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

If she truly has zero romantic feelings for him than tell her to be straightforward sooner rather than later.

He is very vulnerable now due to his loss so she will have to tread carefully, but she needs to get her point across very clearly and honestly.

He will be hurt by her words, but the longer she waits to tell him the more emotional damage she will incur.

[Anonymous]

I thought you need to have a period of no sex in order to get divorced? Maybe a DCUM lawyer could weigh in on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought you need to have a period of no sex in order to get divorced? Maybe a DCUM lawyer could weigh in on that.

They are already divorced and have been divorced for almost a year.
I don't know the last time they had sex before this incident and I'm not sure how that would be proved in court anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she truly has zero romantic feelings for him than tell her to be straightforward sooner rather than later.

He is very vulnerable now due to his loss so she will have to tread carefully, but she needs to get her point across very clearly and honestly.

He will be hurt by her words, but the longer she waits to tell him the more emotional damage she will incur.

He hasn't asked about getting back together. This is just my friend making a mountain out of a molehill. I told her what to tell him, if he actually indicates he wants to start seeing her again.
I don't think my friend is suffering any emotional damage from this other than her own creation.