Parents of small children - how are you managing RTO?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm tired of people like PPs on here who say we were "spoiled" these last few years. Bullsh*t. We were finally coming closer to having better work situations for families with two working parents. It's not spoiled. It's more practical and better for the whole family, including kids, who most people claim to care so much about.

This is a step backward. Telling people who are upset to put on their big girl panties or similar stupid BS is just ahole behavior. EVERYONE would love flexibility if offered. Of course people with kids don't want to give it up, ESPECIALLY when there is no REAL reason they are doing this in terms of quality of work. This is all to hurt the workers so they'll quit. It's backassward and cruel. Don't be a dick about it.

Of course it's a step backward, I think we can all agree on this, however, you have to deal with your current reality and we're telling you how we did it in the past.

But the past isn't now. OP is asking how people are managing in the current landscape not 3/5/10 years ago.
The landscape is not the same. And you show your rigidity- that you accuse this generation of being- when you say this is what we did before as if before synonymous to now.
It's like people who respond to questions about retirement with well I worked a job and got a pension.....ummm 🤔 great for you. Or how do you handle commutes and they respond well we bought a house 10 years ago in a shady part of DC and fixed it up so we wouldn't have commutes. Right thanks for the tip!

You were all dealt a really tough hand, but at a certain point, you have to stop complaining because it's not looking like this is going to change for another for years, so I think you need to shift the energy you are using to complain and yell at people who are trying to provide good advice here to instead start searching for childcare. I'm certainly not going to give any more to this thread, since you don't think people like me have anything valuable to offer. Bye.

It's called venting and, yes, it's best if you go.

DP but you need to face reality. You can't go on and on about life isn't fair and then yell at people who are offering suggestions. There are really two choices for you AT THIS TIME. Choice One is quit your job and take care of your child (this can be either the husband or the wife) and choice 2 is to find whatever in home daycare or childcare center that will tae you. That's it, those are your choices. I'm really, truly sorry for the situation you are in (I'm right there, too but with older kids, so childcare is not a concern), but this is reality, you need to figure it out and listen to people trying to help you. Perhaps if people posted their location in the daycare and preschool forum, people could help you find spots.

DP. It’s really not fair to mothers to effectively say you can’t provide child care while also WFH.

I mean, what’s wrong with that ?

You can’t be serious. This is clearly a bating post.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you ladies should find a way to create support groups based on your location, you can create you own village to help find childcare/help each other out in a pinch.

[Anonymous]

What’s with the man hating! In our neighborhood the dads are the ones who do a lot of the activities, birthday parties, driving and caring for the kids. If your husband does not that’s a you issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

These are choices. Nobody is forcing you to live far from where you work, and nobody is forcing you or your spouse to take jobs far from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

Also, given that the people in this situation are *parents*, it's worth bearing in mind that picking your kid up and putting them in a different school isn't always possible, definitely isn't great for them and is especially both of those things in March.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

Also, given that the people in this situation are *parents*, it's worth bearing in mind that picking your kid up and putting them in a different school isn't always possible, definitely isn't great for them and is especially both of those things in March.

We don’t apply to jobs that are farther from our home than we are willing to commute. We live in Nova and literally do not even apply to jobs in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

Also, given that the people in this situation are *parents*, it's worth bearing in mind that picking your kid up and putting them in a different school isn't always possible, definitely isn't great for them and is especially both of those things in March.

We don’t apply to jobs that are farther from our home than we are willing to commute. We live in Nova and literally do not even apply to jobs in DC.

This is a little unfair. Most people start their careers before they have kids. It's really hard to predict how your commute will work when you have kids in school. I used to live in another city in the outskirts and worked downtown. My commute took 45 minutes to an hour and that felt fine. I was single, no kids. Now I can't imagine our life if my commute was more than 30 minutes. I thank my lucky stars that the job I happened to get out of grad school is not in DC or other downtown area that essentially requires a 45min-1hr commute unless you have a lot of money. My dad used to do commutes like that growing up, and it seemed normal to me. But that lifestyle worked mainly if there was a SAHP/part-time working spouse. Telework/remote work is a way to adapt white collar jobs to dual working parent families. I do think these families should still have full time child care if they are working full time, but adding a 1+ hour commute each way to a full time job and parenting is insane and unsustainable.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the question. You should have already had coverage for childcare while you were working from home. Otherwise, if you were "working from home" while taking care of young kids, you were not really working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

Also, given that the people in this situation are *parents*, it's worth bearing in mind that picking your kid up and putting them in a different school isn't always possible, definitely isn't great for them and is especially both of those things in March.

We don’t apply to jobs that are farther from our home than we are willing to commute. We live in Nova and literally do not even apply to jobs in DC.

Np - my federal office moved in the past few years and is much further away now. I know a lot of Feds who aren’t sure where their office will be, so it’s hard to move for that reason (or plan daycare around it) even jd they’re willing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s with the man hating! In our neighborhood the dads are the ones who do a lot of the activities, birthday parties, driving and caring for the kids. If your husband does not that’s a you issue.

men are useless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

Also, given that the people in this situation are *parents*, it's worth bearing in mind that picking your kid up and putting them in a different school isn't always possible, definitely isn't great for them and is especially both of those things in March.

We don’t apply to jobs that are farther from our home than we are willing to commute. We live in Nova and literally do not even apply to jobs in DC.

This is a little unfair. Most people start their careers before they have kids. It's really hard to predict how your commute will work when you have kids in school. I used to live in another city in the outskirts and worked downtown. My commute took 45 minutes to an hour and that felt fine. I was single, no kids. Now I can't imagine our life if my commute was more than 30 minutes. I thank my lucky stars that the job I happened to get out of grad school is not in DC or other downtown area that essentially requires a 45min-1hr commute unless you have a lot of money. My dad used to do commutes like that growing up, and it seemed normal to me. But that lifestyle worked mainly if there was a SAHP/part-time working spouse. Telework/remote work is a way to adapt white collar jobs to dual working parent families. I do think these families should still have full time child care if they are working full time, but adding a 1+ hour commute each way to a full time job and parenting is insane and unsustainable.

It’s telling that you think the job you had long before kids should still be the same job you have many years later. Most people are many jobs removed from their pre kids job. My kids are teens and my DH has had five or six jobs since then and he was geographically limited on all of them. We haven’t moved houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

Also, given that the people in this situation are *parents*, it's worth bearing in mind that picking your kid up and putting them in a different school isn't always possible, definitely isn't great for them and is especially both of those things in March.

We don’t apply to jobs that are farther from our home than we are willing to commute. We live in Nova and literally do not even apply to jobs in DC.

Np - my federal office moved in the past few years and is much further away now. I know a lot of Feds who aren’t sure where their office will be, so it’s hard to move for that reason (or plan daycare around it) even jd they’re willing.

You are allowed to switch jobs. It’s not indentured servitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

Also, given that the people in this situation are *parents*, it's worth bearing in mind that picking your kid up and putting them in a different school isn't always possible, definitely isn't great for them and is especially both of those things in March.

We don’t apply to jobs that are farther from our home than we are willing to commute. We live in Nova and literally do not even apply to jobs in DC.

Np - my federal office moved in the past few years and is much further away now. I know a lot of Feds who aren’t sure where their office will be, so it’s hard to move for that reason (or plan daycare around it) even jd they’re willing.

Right. I applied for remote jobs and jobs near my spouse's work. I was hired remote, now that's ending and I am waiting for a location assignment. It's likely it will be DC. I don't have the income to move close, and if there's a 50% RIF I can't imagine making the cut so a huge new mortgage or rent seems like a bad liability to take on.

We have choices, but we don't all have the SAME choices, and we don't all have GOOD choices. Job searches aren't speedy and not every town offers the same opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly experienced mothers would not stoop to this pettiness.

I agree - truly experienced moms get that balancing kids and work is hard and we applaud those parents who are investing in reliable childcare so they can actually work. I’ve been burned at work by parents who are distracted trying to juggle kids and work for an extended period of time and don’t get that the solution is to invest in childcare.

Ha- doesn’t get better back in the office. I get burned by parents having to leave at 5pm on the dot to pick up their kids from daycare. We often have meetings that go past that. They claim daycares close at 6 and kid has softball. Seems like more nannies are needed.

If the solution is “more nannies” then compensation for women needs to match that of men, salaries of millennials need to catch up with inflation, and realistic childcare tax breaks implemented. Oh and we probably need to support immigration so we can actually find and hire people who want to nanny. BTW part time nannies are EXTREMELY hard to find, and even harder if only a few hours a week.

The solution is live closer to work. Whatever that looks like in your budget. Queue the balking in 3…2…1…

Not balking, but that’s not always as realistic as you make it out to be. Some people work in (gasp!) a different part of the metro area than their partner/spouse. Others (gasp!) change jobs and can’t just pick up and move to a new house every time that happens. Others (double gasp!) don’t want to raise their children in a 1-BR apt (which is pretty much all we could afford close to DH’s office). I could go on, but surely you could also use your imagination.

Also, given that the people in this situation are *parents*, it's worth bearing in mind that picking your kid up and putting them in a different school isn't always possible, definitely isn't great for them and is especially both of those things in March.

We don’t apply to jobs that are farther from our home than we are willing to commute. We live in Nova and literally do not even apply to jobs in DC.

This is a little unfair. Most people start their careers before they have kids. It's really hard to predict how your commute will work when you have kids in school. I used to live in another city in the outskirts and worked downtown. My commute took 45 minutes to an hour and that felt fine. I was single, no kids. Now I can't imagine our life if my commute was more than 30 minutes. I thank my lucky stars that the job I happened to get out of grad school is not in DC or other downtown area that essentially requires a 45min-1hr commute unless you have a lot of money. My dad used to do commutes like that growing up, and it seemed normal to me. But that lifestyle worked mainly if there was a SAHP/part-time working spouse. Telework/remote work is a way to adapt white collar jobs to dual working parent families. I do think these families should still have full time child care if they are working full time, but adding a 1+ hour commute each way to a full time job and parenting is insane and unsustainable.

It’s telling that you think the job you had long before kids should still be the same job you have many years later. Most people are many jobs removed from their pre kids job. My kids are teens and my DH has had five or six jobs since then and he was geographically limited on all of them. We haven’t moved houses.

It's telling you think everyone's career should be like your DH's. Many federal workers and contractors have very specialized experience and skillsets that you can just use anywhere. Of course, people can change jobs and shift skillsets, but if you don't care that certain federal jobs located downtown are essentially incompatible with any semblance of a sane family life for any but the highest paid workers, that tells me you are pretty ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The disconnect of some PPs on here of how bad the situation is for people who need to find child care for your kids is just so revolting. Our country prioritizes work but not kids and families. Options for childcare are limited and often not good. Housing all over is expensive. These "easy" solutions and "choices" you are going on about may not be easy or available for everyone.

Some of you wagging your finger on here should shove it up your butts unless you want to be part of the solution of making things better for families with two working parents.

And the sexist shade towards working moms is disgusting.

Just bumping this because it’s 100% accurate. A whole lot of people with no understanding of the childcare crisis are comfortable being confidently wrong on this thread.

I recommend Louise Stoney and Eliot Haspel’s work, Dan Wuori’s new book, the substacks Early Learning Nation and Small Talks.

Stoney has been clear since the 70s or 80s that child care is an economic and feminist issue and that without ample supply of quality care, women cannot participate fully in the economy. This is not a new or unusual argument and yet our government has not seen fit to invest in early learning. Why is that, I wonder.