Parents of small children - how are you managing RTO?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really want to know how other parents are managing RTO without a village.

I quit a job that paid $112K in the state government because of RTO, and we had no support network - no grandparents, friends, or family who could help with pick-up/drop-off or sick days.

My husband is gone from 4AM - 4PM in a secure, union job. I am solely responsible for school drop-off, pickup, and sick days. I was managing a full-time, supervisory position in the government, which was becoming incredibly challenging. When I looked at our finances, I could have enrolled our son in a before/after school care program or hired a nanny, which would cost us roughly $2000/month. This would mean he is at school from 7 AM - 4PM to allow for commute times. My son struggled to adjust to a full-time Kindergarten schedule from 8:30 - 3 PM, and his teacher suggested half days. (He is in an affordable private school)

My manager wanted me to come into the office for 2 days/week. This would mean I leave the house at 6:45 AM to get to work on time by 7:45 for an 8AM start. I was in a supervisory role that required me to train my staff. But we couldn't leave the office once we were there. So that meant I was there for 2 days/week, with my butt in a seat, and then had to compress my staff's training schedule to 3 other days/week. I had five staff in training who all needed extensive support.

So, I quit. I took a significant pay cut and am now making $30/hr in the private sector. I now have fewer retirement contributions but plan to return to a full-time, salaried base position when my son is old enough to stay home alone for a few hours. However, my office is home-based, and I have 2-3 hours of work meetings with clients in the field. I also make my own schedule and work 30 hours/week. My take-home pay is significantly less, but my son is happy to have me drop him off, and I can always be there for sick days. Before, I was scrambling to get everything done.

This was how I managed when I was a single parent multiple times while working due to married to a military person. Even when spouse was there, I was solely responsible due to his hours, for daycare/school drop-off and pick up. Daycare days were better, because their hours were more conducive to work. School not as much, but did various before and after, and my one weekend a month I had to work in addition to my Monday-Friday, I had to hire a nanny. I scrambled, sometimes had to take my own days off for childcare if nanny last minute couldn't cover. Yes, it sucked and days were long, nights were tiresome still had to cook, get ready for the next day. I used to wish grocery stores had an order ahead pickup (ha! It finally happened when I didn't even need it anymore, although now I enjoy using the service just because). Kids are now grown so RTO is different for me now.

[Anonymous]

We live close to my husband's work and quite far from mine (remote worker now being told to go into an office...once they find me space). So he'll be the primary parent, he can do drop offs and most pickups and finish the day from home.

I’m now searching for a sitter to help with the two days a week he can't pick up, since our sitter from the fall has a different class schedule and can't do it this semester. $1200 for two kids in aftercare is really overkill when you only need 4 hours max per week.

And if commuting becomes truly unbearable, I'm trying to get us into good enough financial shape to quit. As a fed who may not have a job long regardless of what I want, that backup plan is critical.

[Anonymous]

When you have children you have to make a plan for care and that typically means sacrificing one parent's career. There's not a magical option. It is normal to have to figure it out and adjust.

In my situation when my kids were young, pre covid, they were in before and after care, which ran from 730am to 530pm. Husband and I took turns either doing drop off or pick up and we had strict boundaries at work that we couldn't come in before or after those times. It meant giving up a promotion and not leaning in to too many projects that required over time.

It was a phase, and now our kids are able to be home alone for short periods if needed and both of our jobs are somewhat flexible. But for sure we could have earned more in different roles if we hadn't been thinking about child care for a decade. It's normal parenting.

[Anonymous]

Gotta do what ya gotta do.

We were spoiled with remote jobs.

But moms have been doing this for decades before.

Put your big girl pants on and learn to juggle a job and kids like the rest of us.

Your kids will get older and it gets easier. They will get more self sufficient.

[Anonymous]

OP there are lots of ways to do it, the real question is whether you need to / have to. Our daycare is open long hours and our ES has before and aftercare. We have made a decision that we don't want to spend these few precious years going into RTO everyday to do whatever nonsense Trump and Elon want. So, DH is quitting a perfectly good federal job. Hybrid would have been perfectly fine or a return to pre-Covid practices at his agency. Luckily we can coast for a period on my income, I realize that's a privilege. We had some reasons specific to us as well.

There are obviously other options. None really get you back the time with your kids that you may now have to spend on a long commute. Just my two cents.

Absolutely agree with a PP that they will cheer at women exiting the workforce, it's part of what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really want to know how other parents are managing RTO without a village.

I quit a job that paid $112K in the state government because of RTO, and we had no support network - no grandparents, friends, or family who could help with pick-up/drop-off or sick days.

My husband is gone from 4AM - 4PM in a secure, union job. I am solely responsible for school drop-off, pickup, and sick days. I was managing a full-time, supervisory position in the government, which was becoming incredibly challenging. When I looked at our finances, I could have enrolled our son in a before/after school care program or hired a nanny, which would cost us roughly $2000/month. This would mean he is at school from 7 AM - 4PM to allow for commute times. My son struggled to adjust to a full-time Kindergarten schedule from 8:30 - 3 PM, and his teacher suggested half days. (He is in an affordable private school)

My manager wanted me to come into the office for 2 days/week. This would mean I leave the house at 6:45 AM to get to work on time by 7:45 for an 8AM start. I was in a supervisory role that required me to train my staff. But we couldn't leave the office once we were there. So that meant I was there for 2 days/week, with my butt in a seat, and then had to compress my staff's training schedule to 3 other days/week. I had five staff in training who all needed extensive support.

So, I quit. I took a significant pay cut and am now making $30/hr in the private sector. I now have fewer retirement contributions but plan to return to a full-time, salaried base position when my son is old enough to stay home alone for a few hours. However, my office is home-based, and I have 2-3 hours of work meetings with clients in the field. I also make my own schedule and work 30 hours/week. My take-home pay is significantly less, but my son is happy to have me drop him off, and I can always be there for sick days. Before, I was scrambling to get everything done.

Growing up I had a single mom who worked every day in the office. My dad died right before I was born. I had a sibling. You figure it out.

What were you doing before you had to go in 2 days? You can't give 100% to your work and 100% to your kid. When you're working you should have full time child care. Everyone understands occasional flexibility, but it sounds like people expected to be able to watch their kid from either 3PM onward or from the half day it ended? How is that fair or right to taxpayers?

You put your kid in before/aftercare. If you can't afford private school then send your kid to public. Do what my mom did and hire a babysitter or a SAHP/neighbor. My first babysitter was a high schooler who could walk from the high school to my house or was dropped off by a friend. She was great and taught me about homework and helped me with mine. She ended up getting a PhD in the sciences and is very well-known in her profession. Seeing that passion from someone younger was great for a young mind. After she graduated my mom hired a neighbor who only worked PT and was a SAHP mostly. It was wonderful there too. My mom also did not use any kind of assistance (no SNAP, etc) and said she was able bodied to work so why shouldn't she?

Also, your spouse doesn't have any sick leave or PTO? Can't they use that time if your kid is sick occasionally?

When I was in high school I babysat weekdays after school for two working parents. The kids took the bus and I got there before the bus arrived. I thought it was fun, helped them with homework and did my own homework. I was asked to make the kids dinner every night, but asked to make the parents meal 2 nights a week which I did. I also did laundry and light cleaning. I lived close, so it was easy for everyone.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP there are lots of ways to do it, the real question is whether you need to / have to. Our daycare is open long hours and our ES has before and aftercare. We have made a decision that we don't want to spend these few precious years going into RTO everyday to do whatever nonsense Trump and Elon want. So, DH is quitting a perfectly good federal job. Hybrid would have been perfectly fine or a return to pre-Covid practices at his agency. Luckily we can coast for a period on my income, I realize that's a privilege. We had some reasons specific to us as well.

There are obviously other options. None really get you back the time with your kids that you may now have to spend on a long commute. Just my two cents.

Absolutely agree with a PP that they will cheer at women exiting the workforce, it's part of what they want.

That's a dumb choice for a temporary issue. What quality time do you think will be gained from an extra 90 minutes of helping your kid put their shoes on or standing at a bus stop every day? Weird priorities imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was the entire intent of RTO, to get women out of the workforce and make more jobs for high school, educated men.

Be thankful youor husband has a secure job, a lot of people don’t right now

Yes this. RTO is to punish working mothers. They benefited from it the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Absolutely agree with a PP that they will cheer at women exiting the workforce, it's part of what they want.

Probably they didn't give this a thought.

[Anonymous]

Currently our plan is for me to work 6-2:30pm. I wish I didn’t have to work an additional 30 as I’m too busy to take a lunch, but the union forces that. I actually think that additional 30 min is more disruptive to my family than RTO.

My spouse and I are both dual feds. Dh has always been in office 5 days a week, zero flexibility. I currently have no plan for what to do when my kids are sick. I could have teleworked previously. I will just take leave.

I think our entire country needs to have a hard look at redoing schools. They are broken in so, so many ways. The constant closures and short school hours are very hard on all families. Kids are falling behind everywhere and those two things are part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

People use paid before/aftercare and PTO. Just like they did before. You aren’t the first person to parent with an in person job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently our plan is for me to work 6-2:30pm. I wish I didn’t have to work an additional 30 as I’m too busy to take a lunch, but the union forces that. I actually think that additional 30 min is more disruptive to my family than RTO.

My spouse and I are both dual feds. Dh has always been in office 5 days a week, zero flexibility. I currently have no plan for what to do when my kids are sick. I could have teleworked previously. I will just take leave.

I think our entire country needs to have a hard look at redoing schools. They are broken in so, so many ways. The constant closures and short school hours are very hard on all families. Kids are falling behind everywhere and those two things are part of the problem.

A workday + a commute is too long for kids to be in school. The school day is too long already.

[Anonymous]

The answer is your husband’s needs a better job or get a second job.

[Anonymous]

Before covid, my spouse had an inflexible job so I ended up quitting my job to care for the kids. I did eventually go back, it was quite the process that took several years and finally landed a remote job, only to have RTO less than a year later. Kids are now in ES but we pay for before care, camps, take leave, plan grandparents to come at specific weeks for spring break or summer etc to get through. I also work part time so my hours outside the house are more manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gotta do what ya gotta do.

We were spoiled with remote jobs.

But moms have been doing this for decades before.

Put your big girl pants on and learn to juggle a job and kids like the rest of us.

Your kids will get older and it gets easier. They will get more self sufficient.

Np. No moms haven’t been juggling like this. My grandmas were fired in the 50s as soon as they got pregnant. My mom and dhs mom worked part time/nights/weekends and made a lot less than they could have. Is this what society wants for women still?

Stupidly I thought I’d have more choices when I grew up. I should have chosen a major and career that would allow for part time work or had hours that fit schools. Dh and I both had flexible jobs with 1-2 days of telework that allowed both of us to be there for our kids and those are gone now.